get the words out

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I don't like hating. Especially people. But right now, all I can do is hate you.

I hate how much I trusted you (my fault) and how much you let me down in the end.
I hate that because of you I always feel like I am second place. I'm second best to everyone. Even with all this time having passed, even in current friendships and relationships....
I hate how low my self-confidence got because of you.
I hate how I let you do this to me.

I hate how right one of my friends is.... I am weak.
I hate that I don't know who I am here. I want so many things but all seem out of my grasp, or is that because I haven't quite tried hard enough?
I hate how alone I feel.
I hate being sad.
I hate that I keep messing things up with people that I really love.
I hate that you had a part in messing me up.

I hate that people I meet from now on out will only see parts of what I use to be.
I used to like who I was.
I hate that they will see me as a selfish, pathetic, cold hearted bitch, when that is not at all who I use to be. I don't know where that girl went. It's been several years now, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of her. She was someone my dad would be proud of. I'm not sure if he would be proud of this current person. This current person who is selfish, weak, a bad example of what a Christian is, of what a friend is, of what a girlfriend is....

I'm not really sure when I stopped hating you and just started hating myself......

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What do you do when the people you love most walk out... and willingly?
How can you make the pain of their wanting to leave disappear?
It feels as if they are an arms reach away, but I can't think of what to do to bring them closer, to make it better. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I have tried so hard to make things better. I have given all of me to make it work- but is it ever enough? Am I ever enough?

You would think that eventually the pain would subside and perhaps you would just become numb to it all, but I haven't. In fact, the pain seems to have gotten worse. Maybe it's because I have put myself further out there and instead of a hug or affection, I have gotten all my faults thrown in my face instead.

boy meets girl

It seems almost impossible to ever be able to forget about your first love, or your first serious crush. No matter how hard you try, something (even just a familiar scent) always seems to bring you back to those moments of the past that sometimes would be better forgotten. These far off memories can be sweet, bitter or even embarrassing; yet, without them our path in life would not have been the same. Each curve in life molds who we are as individuals, every failure teaches us how to get back up and each heartbreak helps to strengthen us.

I found this a few days ago. It's part of an essay I had to write for one of my English classes a couple years back.
Funny how true it really is.

Monday, March 3, 2008

soulmates

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with"- Sex and the City

Saturday, February 23, 2008

here again

Yay- for another shitty weekend....again.

It's one of those weekends where nothing is going right. And what's even worse, I feel as if everyone is trying to find any way possible to get out of hanging out with me.

I need to find some way of getting myself out of this rut that I have trapped myself into.
I need to find some way of letting go.... even though I know to do so will kill me--at least feel like it.
I am just so fucking miserable and there is no one I can really turn to and talk to. I don't even want to talk, I just want someone to sit next to me so that I don't feel like I am alone in this. Because the pain hurts so much more when you're by yourself.