21

So I am now 21....and life is not at all how I pictured it would be. That makes me a little sad.

finally home

"I give You my heart
and all that is within.
I give You my dreams
for the promise of a new life."


It has been so long since I last went to church. And even longer since I went without having a panic attack beforehand. But after going home last weekend I realized the only thing I wanted to do this Sunday morning was to go to church. So Leigh and I woke up and went. I didn't panic, I wasn't awkward in meeting new people and the message was EXACTLY what I had needed to hear. It was a God thing.

Last weekend I felt I needed an escape from my life. Too much was going wrong and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. My only option it seemed was to leave-- to run away to something, somewhere familiar. To people that I knew loved me.
What ended up happening was that I ran straight to God. Maybe some won't understand this. It does seem a little odd but when I am right with God I feel I am home.

We all have pasts that we struggle with, inner demons to overcome. In that respect I am just like everyone else in this world. But once I got involved with the church (not the place, but meaning with fellow Christians) my relationship with Christ grew. Soon, I had a strong relationship with my Savior and because of that I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. But of course, then I moved to college and all that slowly slipped away. When my relationship with Christ faded, who I was began to fade as well. My self-esteem took a hit and I have tried in every other way to put it back again. I think it is finally now, after having run away to home I can clearly see how to fix it all. The answer is simple. It's God.

I didn't expect to run to Him. Granted, I never completely lost my relationship with Him, but I had agonized over getting involved with church again and a relationship with Him meant I had to go back. I love Jesus Christ and I believe Him to be my Savior, but like Gandhi it was the other Christians that kept me away.

I don't know why things changed this past week. Perhaps because my birthday is tomorrow and I realized I am growing up and need a change. Or maybe it is because I have been so miserable with life-- I have felt so alone and hurt by so many that I finally decided to work on the relationships that give back. God is one of those. No matter where I have been in life, He has always been right by my side, celebrating the wonderful moments like graduating high school or making the deans list, to crying with my during the sad moments, like my dad's death or the break ups with guys. He never said this life would be easy, He knew it wouldn't be, but what He did promise was that no matter what happened as long as we kept the faith and continued believing in Him that He would go through it with us.

The sermon today was about the church.
The pastor made a few really amazing points on it that I needed to hear as well.
He said that it is easy to walk away from an organization and even a pastor, but it is not easy to walk away from Jesus. I got this, I related to this. I couldn't and didn't want to walk away from Christ, but I wanted to walk away from the religion factor. The man made religion that gives rules and is full of hypocrites. But now, I want to be apart of it again. I want it to be different this time. I want to have a relationship with Christ and from that make relationships with other people. I don't want to live like a hypocrite (although I guess it is a given at times) but I do want to be a different kind of Christian. One who doesn't look down on others, but is more like Jesus was in seeing past people's flaws and mistakes and loving them for who they are. WHO they are not WHAT they are.
After all, like the pastor said, the church is not come and see its go and do. (Or at least this is how it should be).


"i am desperate for You
i am lost without You."

last day

Friday was my last day interning at the elementary school I've been working at all semester. It was sad, I really did grow fond of the students and teachers. It was an amazing experience that taught me so much and I hated that I had to leave....

And I seriously thought I was going to cry when the students all made me notes and drew me pictures saying goodbye and telling me that they would miss me.

I think after this semester I know more than ever that this is what I want and where I want to go in life. I have been questioning my choices and my goals for life for so long, but events like this help to remind me of what matters and what I want. And what I want is still the same as when I was five years old. I want to be a teacher.

escape is near

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Don't tremble! Don't be afraid of them! The LORD your God is the one who is going with you. He won't abandon you or leave you."

So I finished my tattoo, finally. I know some don't see the point in tattoos or are completely against them, but I needed this permanent reminder on me that God is near and unlike the humans He created, He is not going anywhere.

Finals week is fast approaching. But I'm not stressed. But I do need an escape from the world, which I am luckily soon getting.

My birthday is in....... 12 days.
Can't wait.

buried no longer

Mere breathing hurts.

I am not sure who I have become, but she is a bitter jerk who seems to hurt everyone in her path (including those she loves the most).
So many have already left.
Why is it that I am continuing to push people away when I need them the most?

I feel like the real me is lost somewhere in this body screaming at the top of her lungs, asking her loved ones to stay, to keep trying, to forgive her. All she needs is time. She just needs time to figure things out and get her life back in order. But please, don't leave, don't walk away just yet.

If I have hurt you I am truly and sincerely sorry. It was never my intent.
If I passed you by I am so sorry for not noticing.
If I pushed you away I'm sorry I know now I should have pulled you closer.

I think what I am asking for is a second (or third, or fourth....) chance. You mean that much to me. I hope I mean that much to you as well.
I promise to try harder. I know what it is like to lose the ones I love and I don't want it to happen anymore.
But I suppose the choice is yours.

I will hold you dearly in my heart no matter what.

new things, old things

I have come to the conclusion that Walmart sucks. No ifs, ands or buts, it is a fact.

27 days feels sooooo far away. Although I suppose it is 26 days now.....

On another topic, I want to go back to NYC!!!!

ramblings of a bad writer

Ok, so I got bored at work one day and came up with an idea for a possible book that I knew I would never get around to writing. I wrote an introduction; however, that's as far as it has gone.
Due to recent developments, I don't think I will ever start; therefore, finish it. But here is the introduction. (And please, don't be too hard on my writing abilities, or lack there of).

Whoever disagrees with the fact that everything happens for a reason is in denial. It's difficult to explain how else a trip like ours could have worked out so perfectly. It is the only way in which to explain how in having a goal and randomly picking up a flyer could have changed my life.
Oddly enough though, it was indeed a flyer that threw off everything I knew and gave me more than I could have ever hoped for. I like to think that God had a hand in it. That he orchestrated the entire plan and what started out as a far fetched dream miraculously turned into the best trip I have ever taken as well as giving me some of the best friends I could have ever known.
How it happened, I still have yet to figure out, but that's not what matters. What matters most is that it did happen. Somehow a bunch of former outcasts all wound up on a plan to Europe together and created a lasting bond. The specifics may be a little vague, but it's the big picture that counts the most.
Somehow seven (?) people met and wormed their way into each other's hearts creating a group of friends from such different; yet, similar characteristics.
So here is the story of how the prom queen, the head cheerleader, the loner, the former fat kid, the star runner, the brainiac and the class clown all met and platonically (for some) fell in love and became the cornerstones in each other's lives.
It's nothing short of a miracle.



Oy, in rereading it, I can't believe I'm posting it...but here goes. We all need some laughs, eh?

I don't like hating. Especially people. But right now, all I can do is hate you.

I hate how much I trusted you (my fault) and how much you let me down in the end.
I hate that because of you I always feel like I am second place. I'm second best to everyone. Even with all this time having passed, even in current friendships and relationships....
I hate how low my self-confidence got because of you.
I hate how I let you do this to me.

I hate how right one of my friends is.... I am weak.
I hate that I don't know who I am here. I want so many things but all seem out of my grasp, or is that because I haven't quite tried hard enough?
I hate how alone I feel.
I hate being sad.
I hate that I keep messing things up with people that I really love.
I hate that you had a part in messing me up.

I hate that people I meet from now on out will only see parts of what I use to be.
I used to like who I was.
I hate that they will see me as a selfish, pathetic, cold hearted bitch, when that is not at all who I use to be. I don't know where that girl went. It's been several years now, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of her. She was someone my dad would be proud of. I'm not sure if he would be proud of this current person. This current person who is selfish, weak, a bad example of what a Christian is, of what a friend is, of what a girlfriend is....


I'm not really sure when I stopped hating you and just started hating myself......

What do you do when the people you love most walk out... and willingly?
How can you make the pain of their wanting to leave disappear?
It feels as if they are an arms reach away, but I can't think of what to do to bring them closer, to make it better. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I have tried so hard to make things better. I have given all of me to make it work- but is it ever enough? Am I ever enough?

You would think that eventually the pain would subside and perhaps you would just become numb to it all, but I haven't. In fact, the pain seems to have gotten worse. Maybe it's because I have put myself further out there and instead of a hug or affection, I have gotten all my faults thrown in my face instead.