What a week.

Thursday I started interning at a new elementary school. I'm in a third grade class for math and science (my worst subjects). Should be an interesting semester. Then we had our first flag football game. We lost....horribly, but at least we had fun. My parents even suprised me and showed up for the game. I have to say, I don't think I've ever been so happy to see them.
Yesterday the girls and I went tubing near Gainesville. It was the most beautiful day and even the drive made me happy. However, the mosquitos attacked viciously and left their 23 marks on me to remind me.
Then today Leigh and I went to Orlando to Universal. So much fun. I love roommate bonding time. And then we rushed home to make football practice.

Things have been crazy and I barely get ANY sleep anymore. But I suppose that it's worth it.

bare essentials

When I was growing up I never once thought about running away from home. I think every one of my friends had or even just talked about it, but not me. Not ever. I guess that (at least until middle school) I never had any complaints. The problems I had didn't lie at home, in fact home was the one good constant thing in my life. Of course my middle school days changed all that and soon home did become a place that I dreaded, but still I never thought about running away.

So it strikes me as odd that here I am, 21 with my own home and I'm grown up and wishing to run away. It is as if everyday I come home from my long day of work and or school and think about packing my things and just hitting the road.

More than anything, I wish I could be like Donald Miller (in his book Through Painted Deserts, read it if you haven't) and just jump in a van with a buddy, packing only the essential items, and some cash to make it through and then take off.
No destination in mind.
No course in mind.
Just a goal--- to get away and see for myself our country and the people in it. But mostly, I just want to get away from the miseries of everyday life. Not just bills, homework and nagging people all around me, but to escape what my life has become. What I have somehow let it become. In trying to find my place in this world, I have made myself so busy that I have lost contact with what I want. I feel as if I can dream, but then I must come back to reality almost right away to fulfil the duty of an exam or planning a lesson. I just want to be rid of it all. Rid of the guilt. The pain. The bad memories. The loneliness.

I just want to be a hippie for a little while and travel to destinations unknown. I want to make my dream, my silly fantasy a reality, leaving everything behind, not caring what it is when I return (should I return).
My whole life people have just walked out, most of which without any sort of reason. I just wasn't enough anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I''m sick of not being enough. I'm tired of being no one's top five. I'm so frustrated with being left out, ignored, pushed aside.... I just want to get away and be with only me and God. I want to throw my phone in a lake, grab my ipod, bible, books for reading, a journal, my camera, a few clothes and just leave-- not worrying about where I am headed or what I am leaving behind.
I just want to go.


If only it weren't just a fantasy.

On days like today I LOVE living in Florida.
The sun was finally out again. The sky was incredibly blue.
I think it's what I would call the perfect day (weather wise of course).

I cannot stop listening to indie music lately. And so far I have added a few more artists to my music selection:
Yeah yeah yeahs -- Fever to Tell
The Hush Sound -- Goodbye Blues
Paramore -- Crushcrushcrush
Rilo Kiley-- Under the Blacklight

And now is the inevitable time for homework, after a quick bike ride, which in Jacksonville at night is not always the best idea.... but hey life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all (Helen Keller).

losing control

Ashley forwarded me this video. It's amazing! I've watched it about 4 times today.... It's kinda long, but I think it's COMPLETELY worth it.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

"her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..
She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, '
Cause every time I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone."


---the song lyrics and the video kind of align with how I've been feeling. But the truth is, I know I'm not the only one feeling like that. And I know that I am more than this.
Baby steps.
With Him all things are possible. (Philippians 4:13)

we are not alone

Words can't express how much I love the people in my life.

I can't lie when I say I was worried about this past Thursday. It would've been my Dad's birthday and while I tried to pretend that it wasn't a big deal, it was. But luckily I have amazing friends that will bring me krispy kreme donuts for breakfast before work, others that went to a baseball game with me (and drove my drunken butt home) and helped me keep focus on the good things life has in store for me.

It's funny how when you need people, you see who really cares and steps in to hold your hand. Those are the people worth keeping. And those are the people I owe everything to.

I also had time to take down pictures off of my wall, in order to try and redecorate. This was how many pictures were on my wall. Kind of amazing if you ask me...

photo <3

My mom found this card the other day. I found it funny, she found it truthful.

Dan has been going on photoshoots with me lately. To me, it means the world, he hates being in pictures, but he lets me use him as a model. We may at times be rocky, we may have some bad times and misunderstandings, but on days like today, I can't help but smile when I think of him. And today he acted like my biggest fan. It was needed and appreciated.

Some photoshoot pictures: (more are on my flickr account)

saturdays are dress wearing days

---> my new dress. Perfect for work, school, and exploring the city on beautiful Saturdays.
....and today was a perfect example. It was a gorgeous Saturday. A perfect picture taking day in Riverside!

current goals

After being at work, bored to tears today, I realized that there are a lot of things in my life I need to change. So I decided to make a list of goals that I need to start working on in hopes that they would spark some kind of new life into me again.

-- I want to:

~take more pictures. Of course this means I need a new digital camera. I'm a little worried about the cost and that I'll pick the wrong one, but I've been wanting one for awhile, so I think it's time I splurged.

~not worry so much. Roll with the punches. Just take things as they come.

~be more girly in my attire and take the time to make myself feel better by dressing better

~be optimistic. This one will be the most difficult. It will mean going against how I've been for half of my life. But I think it's finally time this old dog learns new tricks.

~belt out a song everyday. Jsust to get myself smiling and have some fun. And should a dance join in, all the better.

~do more scrapbooking. It seems I am only in the mood while at work and unable to. But I want to do it more. I want to be more creative and finally get caught up.

~learn to love myself and being just with myself.

~grow in my relationship with God.

~try new things (and often).

I guess I was a little too quick to judge.

Maybe I do have a shoulder to cry on, a couple actually. And what's even better than having people who listen and care, is that I have friends and loved ones that can make me laugh, even when I don't want to.

Suddenly I don't feel so alone, because in the moments when I needed someone, the ones I care for the most came through for me. And for that, I am forever grateful.