NASCAR, year 2 (plus the beach)

 So this weekend, Steven and our friends and I took our (what is now annual) trip to Daytona for the NASCAR race, Coca-cola 400. It's definitely always interesting and fun (except for trying to find a cab on the way back to the hotel). 

We always start the day going to the beach and hanging out. This year I got pretty red though....I blame forgetting to reapply sunscreen to playing bochee ball. 

Then we head up some awesome food at our normal place (and play some shuffleboard). And to end it all, we head up to the race!

 One thing I love/hate about Florida, especially middle Florida are all the tourist traps. But they make for interesting photos. 

I also don't understand the oranges by the gas pumps..... it's really not kosher and freaked me out a bit.

 Below is our awesome group of friends. Gotta love the Nascar mustache.

 

And after the race, there was an amazing firework show. It was one of the best I've ever seen. 

 Although mine and Steven's guy, JG (Jeff Gordon for yall known Nascar folks) wrecked, I was okay with Jimmy Johnson winning.

 But the best part of the race was after the race and the fireworks, when a little yorkie pup made its way onto the track and tons of workers tried to catch him. The entire crowd cheered as the dog escaped their attempts and then cheered later when one of the workers actually caught the pup to take him back to his owners. 

Warning: below is me being emotional.....

so don't say I never warned ya!

I have to say, Nascar fans are one of a kind. 

And I do see why my dad liked it so much.

 Although, it made me sad that the crowd no longer holds up a 3 on the third lap in honor of Dale Earnhartd. He was my dad's favorite race car driver and died the same year as my dad. They were also the same age. So to not see a crowd of 3's made me feel like too much time has passed- like he's been somewhat forgotten. And the sap in me compares that to my dad- and the thought of anyone forgetting my dad makes me upset and even mad. How can people forget such a wonderful person? Especially when memories are all we are left- I don't want them to begin to fade. I don't want it to ever be okay not to hold up a 3- whether it's mainly for Dale or my dad, I don't care. I will do it every freaking time and I will remember how that year we lost so many people and the world greyed a little bit because of it.  But how the world is overall a better place because they were once a part of it. 

-the sap,

kel

saying goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy. There's no simple or nice way of doing it. There is something we always wish had gone differently- something more we had said, something we wish we could take back. It's just never.....enough.

For the last 12 years I've been trying to cope with the death of my father. This week, my best friend lost hers. And it sucks watching her go through this pain. This isn't a club anyone wants to join. It's not a fun club and it definitely isn't one without a fair share of tears.

So obviously, for the past several days I've been thinking about death, about saying goodbye to someone you love deeply. And its difficult to explain and put into words how this feels. Because it feels so much worse than awful. It is so much bigger than terrible.  I remember the pain of missing my dad being so unbearable that I couldn't even breathe.

So why am I posting this?

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure.

But there are just all these feelings and emotions that came out this week. And where better to share personal feelings than the very public internet right?

Too soon for sarcasm?

But perhaps the silver lining in this dark, sad place is that these wonderful people we have loved with all our hearts are now in a better place. A place with no pain, no tears, and only love.

I do have a favor to ask of all of you reading this though.... If you could please pray (or if you're not a believer, just your positive energy and love) for my wonderful and beautiful friend. Especially today- as we celebrate her dad's life in a Memorial Service tonight. 

With a sad, but grateful heart,
Kellie

thankful list

photo found on pinterest

I am thankful for.....

my Savior, who died for me

my amazing mom, who would do anything for me

my dad, who taught me so much in our short time together

my boyfriend who is always trying to take care of me

my stepdad who always give his all

my soulmate Leigh, who loves me and gets me through all my craziness

for my amazing friend Jen, who is always there for me when I need it

for my sweet friend Erica, who reminds me how to be a good friend 

for my sister, who shares more with me than just blood

for my nieces and nephew, who always make me smile

my aunts, uncles, and cousins whom I'm so glad I've gotten close to again

for my friend Sarah, who is probably one of the sweetest women I've ever known

my friend Ashely, who gives me new addictions (Vampire Diaries) and is always there for me 

for my oldest friend, Kim, who has been my friend through the crappiest and best of times

my Riverside family, who not only gave me a job last year, but made me feel like i was home

the girlfriends at Riverside who I still consider to be some of my dearest friends and are there for me

my previous attorney bosses, who have always believed in me and gave me an undeserving job

 a roof over my head

my former church family that supported me

 my former youth kids, whom I love more than they know and who taught me so much

Steven's friends who have always welcomed me into their group

 my sweet car that may be getting older, but at least still takes me from point a to b

 my blogger friends, whom I'm so grateful to know

 my teaching job

having today off

my college education

all of my roommates, past and present that I've been fortune to find

the new friends I've made from school, who have made me feel so much more at ease

coffee

girls nights, that keep me sane

my guy friends who have taught me oh so much

 all of my new and old friends, that always remind me of who I am

my Pensacola family, who is the most loving group of people I've known

my Ft. Lauderdale family who stuck by my side through the worst of times

my Alabama family, who love me and my mom no matter what

my 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade teachers that made me want to choose this path

the study abroad trip that gave me wonderful experiences and amazing friendships

 the country I live in, despite all it's faults

the women and men who have died to make this country what it is

living in Florida- a gorgeous state

my first class, who still love me and write me notes

my current students who can be so sweet and caring

parents that care about their kids, my students and work with me to help them

coworkers that go out of their way for me

blogging, which always keeps me inspired

my pup, Aubre who always is so excited to see me

my past pups, Buttons and Coco who made me fall in love with dogs

that there are people out there that try to help each other, just because they want to

for my oh-so wonderful soft bed

my dad's love of history that somehow got passed onto me

the Bible, that continuously reminds me of God's love for me

the sunshine, that brightens up my day

a working ac

and a working heater

money in my account (even if it's not much)

helpful staff at the hospital that have been trying to help

doctors that are helpful and try to solve medical mysteries

comedies that make me laugh and cheer me up

pictures that help keep memories alive

my own classroom

my friend Joe, who has helped me tremendously in teaching

the upcoming Thanksgiving break that I have off from school and can visit family

books

technology

Starbucks, even if it is overpriced

shopping trips with girl friends

dresses

contacts

glasses

food

wine

gps that helps me always know where I'm going

cupcakes

the opportunities to travel

air fresheners that help my classroom not smell like complete crap

target and it's dollar section

fro yo samples

hair straighteners

makeup

forgiveness

love

the past 

the present

and the future

-kellie

july 24th

 Yesterday I spent the day celebrating what would've bee my dad's birthday. I had cake (made by my awesome friend Jen), my favorite beer, and the best part (besides spending the day with Steven and Leigh) was seeing my classroom for the very first time!!!! Unfortunately they were working on the floors so I couldn't set up, but I did get to see it! Cannot wait!!!!
-kel

celebrating his would be 61st

Dear Dad,
I remember the last birthday of yours we celebrated. You turned the big 5-0. But even with your salt and pepper hair, you still looked and acted young.
Eleven years have passed and today we should be celebrating your 61st birthday together. More than anything I wish that we were. You were my best friend and I miss you still everyday. But it helps knowing you're in a better place. I just hope they serve cake in heaven!
Always yours,
Kellie

my first Nascar experience

 This past weekend Steven and I met up with some friends in Daytona for the Coke Zero 400 Nascar race. (Phew, that was a mouth full).
We started the morning off at the beach, then pool, and then lunch. Then we tailgated. And tailgated some more. And then finally it was time for the race under the lights.

 It was a great day and a half vacation. But it was also a little bitter sweet. My dad was a huge Nascar fan. He went to the Daytona 500 just about every year. We had even talked about me going with him one year, I was just nervous about how loud it would be. It's been 11 years since he's died and I've never gone to a race even once, until this past weekend. The whole time I kept thinking about him and imagining what he would be doing if he were there with us. It was nice to finally experience one of his favorite things. I felt a little closer to him. And to make my heart melt a little more, during the first couple of laps, Steven could tell I was a little sad, so he leaned over and said maybe the sweetest things ever. He held up his drink and said "Let's cheers to John....and don't worry, he know's I'm going to take care of you."  Sometimes that guy just knows the perfect thing to say and do.

In the end, our guys (Jeff Gordon-,who I've had a crush on since I was 9, and Little E didn't end up winning). However, the big wreck of the night happened right in front of us on the last lap! No photos of that because my stupid phone died soon after the above photos were taken... But it was exciting, and since no one was hurt it was pretty awesome!

So until next year Nascar.......

-kel

52 lists in 52 weeks// week 39

If you didn't already know my love for music (which is what sparked last week's list), you are no longer in the dark about it.

I think music is one of the most powerful things out there.

Music and smell.

Both of these are pretty good ways of retrieving old memories (whether you wanted to or not). The whiff of a certain cologne takes you back to what an old boyfriend use to wear. The smell of bacon being cooked can transport you back to Christmas mornings. It's a strong feeling. As is music, which is the bigger picture here....
After all, isn't that why commercials use songs? The catchy tunes help you to remember the product being sold. But when the song brings you back to a distant memory, it's even better.

A while back while we were driving a good ole 10 hours to go skiing, we played tons of music. 10 hours worth I guess. And some of the songs brought up past events. So with nothing else to do but listen and think, I thought of another list......


List 39: Songs and the memories they bring back.

The Beatles- All My Loving.
My mom didn't sing my lullabies when I was little. Instead she'd sing me songs from The Beach Boys and The Beatles. This one was my favorite. I catch myself singing this to my niece whenever she can't sleep. It's just a peaceful song that brings back the love from being little.

The Beatles-Hey Jude.
Yup, another Beatles song. This one reminds me of my best friend Leigh. Crazy enough, I hadn't heard this song until she sang it to me. And when she got to the "better, better, better, BETTER" part, I got a little freaked out by her sudden loudness. Turns out, that's how the song goes. And now we emphasize it in remembrance. And it still brings a smile to my face.

Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell-Ain't No Mountain High Enough.
I use to spend Sunday afternoons (after church) with my dad. During one of our father-daughter day dates as he was driving me back home, this song came on. Of course, we all know the words, so he and I belted it out, loudly and badly. But I remember smiling the whole time. It was a good ending to our weekly time together. Looking back on it now, it's a good reminder of the fun we use to have together.

Fleetwood Mac-Tusk.
Another reminder of my dad's silliness..... We once were in the parking lot, listening to Fleetwood Mac, when this song came on. I thought it was weird. It was one of his favorites. Since I was in that awkward teenage phase and easily embarrassed, he decided it would be fun to roll down the windows, lock them, blare the song and sing at the top of his lungs. While I was mortified, eventually I couldn't hide back my laughter. I ended up crying from laughing so hard. Another great memory of my hysterical, don't take things so seriously, dad.

Plain White T's-Rhythm of Love.
During the first year of my relationship with Steven, this song got big. We even used it in our year one video. Every time it plays all I can think of is our first year together and all the fun and adventures we shared. In a cheesy way, it kind of brings me back to when we were first starting to fall in love with each other.

Cher-This is a Song For the Lonely.
Our first year at college, my best friend Leigh and I use to watch a lot of tv. It was one of the things that kept us sane. And on one terrible day, Leigh turned on the tv and a commercial was playing with this song as it's background music. For some reason it made us laugh (well later it made us laugh, at the time it just seemed to make us feel more miserable and pathetic). But now whenever I hear that song I think of my bestie and how we've gone through some shitty times, but also some wonderful ones. And we've endured them all.

Amazing Grace.
This was one of the songs played at my dad's memorial service after his death. It's still somewhat hard to hear it, even 10 years later. It's such a beautiful song, full of God's promises and love, but it still has that sour taste. Overall, I still love it, and sometimes play it for memory sake. But in the back of my mind, there's always my dad.



Next week's list:
I've said before, I try really hard to keep this space a positive place. I'm not the most positive person, so sometimes it's hard to keep that tone, especially when in real life I'm more pessimistic. But since I really want to be a happy-go-lucky, optimistic person, I try to start here.
With that being said, I've come up with a a bit of a different list for next week. And it starts now.

List 40: Throughout the week, make a list of good things that happen. Whether they are small, or large, take note. Write them down. Then, after the week is over, go over them, save them, put them somewhere safe to remind you later. I feel like so many good things happen, but sometimes we just seem to let the negative overpower them. So let's break that!!

See you next week!!

xoxo
kellie

10 years ago today

Was the worst day of my entire life. No other horrible day has come even close. Sometimes I wish that memory would simply fade from my mind, but at the same time it has helped shape me. To be honest though, if I could change any event in my life, I would change what happened that day (not that I could).
Sometimes I feel like I talk about my dad's death so much it's like a broken record. The last thing I want to do is annoy people or even sound like a major debbie-downer. But it's so hard to pretend like this day is the same as any other day of the year. Even Father's Day and his birthday have been difficult, but over the years I have tried to turn those days into happy ones, where I can celebrate his memory and how wonderful of a person and father he was. The day of his death though is another story....I can't "celebrate" anything. Yes I am glad he's in a better place, but the selfish part of me is angry and deeply sad that he's no longer here. He's missed out on so much on my life, that I know he would've wanted to be a part of.

Dad,
I'm thinking about you today. Honestly, I think about you everyday. I miss you more than I could put into words. While the pain that filled my heart when you left is for the most part gone, there is now a different kind of a pain. A pain of knowing that you aren't here. You haven't see the last 10 years of my life, my first love, my prom, my college years, my first job, my graduation from high school and college.... And all that is to come you won't get to be a part of either. I hate that. But, I am so glad that I had 14 years with you. You were the best father a girl could ever ask for and I miss you like crazy. Thank you for always putting me first and loving me. I am incredibly thankful for those 14 years.
With all of my love,
your Kellie

52 lists in 52 weeks// week 3

First off, I wanted to share with yall a link to listography (online version of Kerry Smith's books)....which is amazing!!! Here's my own.
Let me know if you make one too!!!

So now for this week's list....... (in honor of Father's Day):
"Things I learned from my dad"
If you don't have a father figure in your life, then make a list of what you learned from another parent figure in your life. I think it's important to remember what our parents/guardians have taught us and since my dad passed away 10 years ago, making a list like this also helps me to keep his memory alive, especially on a sad day like Father's Day.

Here's my list:


I asked Steven what his list was and I liked it so much I wanted to share it too:
-work ethic
-humor
-what I need to do to one day be a good dad
-how to play cards

So what's your list???

the day i thought would never come

Today I:

-took a cpr class (for the 1 millionith time)

-got a painful reminder of my dad’s death during the heart attack portion of the cpr class (I’ve talked about his death before.... and it’s a gloomy subject I try not to discuss, however knowing that he had heart problems and then died all alone of a heart attack makes me want to burst out into tears. I’m trying so hard not to think about it today, but I just cant stop.)

-had my first (and possibly last) pumpkin spice latte of the season– my stomach just cant handle them anymore :(

-got some bad news about my internship application

-wore my prettiest dress to work with tights (yay for fall weather)

-kept working on some surprise gifts for some special people


***This week has been a weird one and a bit of a heartbreaking one too. It seems like all I’ve gotten lately is bad news and I hate it. Good news, where are you???
On the upside...I do have the best mom and sister a gal could ask for. Seriously.

Happy Friday loves!
kel

day 24 of 30 days of me

day 24- a letter to your parents

instead of posting the letters, i just decided to actually write my parents. i did take a photo though, just to prove i actually did write them!
these 2 are for my mom and step-dad.

we already know how i feel about my mom....she's the best thing since slice bread (and we all know how much i love bread.) she seriously is the best mom ever and one of my favorite people in this world. i love her more than i could ever express in words.

i wrote to my stepdad thanking him for all hes ever done for me. he has been there for me and my mom through countless ordeals, like when i had my wisdom teeth taken out and got sick from the meds they gave me. he stayed at my place all week long, making sure i was okay and making me food i could actually eat. i could never repay him for all the niceness he's showed us.


then theres one more letter i decided to write....to my dad

a few years ago i decided that i would create a memory book for him. its filled with memories (like his favorite drink or show) to pictures of us together. i also add notes every once and awhile, writing things i wish i could say to him. i took this time to write him another one. i miss him like crazy and i hate that hes missing out on such wonderful events in my life....but i know he's in a better place and thats what keeps me going.....

xoxo
kel

why we walk

This Saturday a few of my friends and I are participating in Jacksonville's annual "Heart Walk". It's a cause that means a lot to all of us for various reasons.

My friend Erica has had serious heart issues all her life. My friend Brittany has a sister (who also is a friend of ours) that has had serious heart issues as well. My reason for wanting to participate is because in 2001 my dad died of Focal Myocardial Fibrosis, a type of heart disease.

This cause if allowing us to bring awareness to how many people are affected by cardiovasuclar diesase as well as raising funds to help doctors and researchers frind a cure or prevention.

I'm actually writing about this, because while I know many of us don't have the funds to give (although, if you do want to make a donation, you can do so here and it would be VERY much appreciated) but because I'm asking for your help in another way.

If you live in the Jacksonville area, come out and join our walk!!! It's only a mile and there is entertainment, and it's a great way to show support.

If you don't live in Jacksonville, just your prayers and kind thoughts would be much appreciated!

love,

kellie

"dark day"

9 years ago today I lost my dad and best friend.
It's strange, for so long I felt this tremendous pain that I never thought would go away, but over time it has. Now there's just this void- this place in my heart that seems somewhat empty because someone I loved so much is no longer around. Deep down, I know he's in a better place, but sometimes I'm still angry that he's gone. I never got to say goodbye. He will never get to see huge and important aspects of my life. I don't remember the last time I said "I love you".

But here's what I do remember and know..... he was the best dad I could have ever asked for. He was patient with me and forgiving. He made me feel like I mattered, because in his eyes I did. He could fix any and everything. He made me a beautiful 2-story doll house when I was little, with furniture (some of which he made as well) and parts of our home throughout it (like extra scraps of our actual kitchen floor used for the doll house's kitchen flooring). He by far was one of the best men I've ever known and I miss him more than I could ever express.


***I debated about writing this post- or at least making it public. I don't want my blog to become "emo" and turn people (including myself) away from it. So if it does turn you off or it comes off as too much, I'm sorry. Honestly though, I felt like I needed to write it....almost to make sure that I don't forget him.

-kellie

father's day

I've always wondered if the person who coined the term "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" lost his love or never found it.

So often I agree with him. It is better to have the memories and know that someone was once capable of loving you so much than to never even have the opportunity.
But on days like today I struggle with agreeing. On days like today even looking back on sweet memories is painful and heart wrenching. And what's worse is there is no one to dry my tears, no one to provide me with a shoulder. No one to share in stories about how wonderful my dad was, or how much he loved me. Because even though I lost him, I still was for a short while able to see how much someone could love me. And while it is nice to know that at least there was one person out there that could love me so much, what I'm feeling now is pain.
With each father and daughter pair that have passed me today, it feels as if a mack truck ran me down and there is no one to pick me up and hold me, whispering that it will all be ok. That one day I won't hurt so much. That one day I will be with him again. Or even more importantly, there is no one there to just hold me, saying nothing at all, but just letting me know that they too love me and even though my dad is no longer here to take care of me and love me, they do and they want to help me get through it all.

Estrella- by brave saint saturn:

i write clever words on paper i sometimes think i dont belive at all ive never felt so fake so false im such a liar i couldnt even look him in the eyes he was 25 like i was but he was deaf and slowly going blind he made my faith seem worthless the things i hoped were pointless and he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah It made me feel so empty collapsing on some dirty bathroom floor and isn't it just like me to warn his passing breath when he will never suffer anymore beautiful his pictures fading black and silver and i sing of faith but his was true and fierce and i will miss him the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah

lost in thought

Nikki Grimes once wrote "pain melts into memory". I'll give her that... but sometimes, memory causes pain.

This past week has been tough and it seems that the hits just keep coming. And all I really want is my Dad. I want him to hold me tight like he did when I was a little girl and tell me that things will all work out. I wouldn't believe anyone else, but I would believe him, because he's my Dad. He knows all right? Or did... But somehow him reassuring me would make it all better. But he's not here. And tonight, I'm having difficulty dealing with that. Tonight, I'm not sure I am ok. And being without him.... hurts like no other pain.

It's hard to describe what it's like to lose a parent and a best friend. Yes, I at least know he is in a better place, but there are so many times when I wish he were here with me, to help get me through life. Or that I was with him. Both of us in a better place. But tonight... we are so far away. Both in different places and all I can do is miss him and try to fight back the tears. All I can do is pray that somehow I won't fall apart.

I really expected to feel different today. It is after all the day I dread all year long. But for some reason I am not sad. Maybe that part of grieving is over... or maybe I have just come to accept the truth. I fear though, that it's just that I am no longer missing a person, but missing a fictional, dreamlike character. My memories that include him seem so distant and as if I just made them up. I have forgotten what he sounds like (so I watch home movies) I have forgotten his smell but worst of all I can't cry about today. What happened six years ago today is still as vivid to me as if it had happened only yesterday, yet the emotions seem to have vanished.
I still miss him like crazy though. He was one of those rare people that loved me in spite of all my flaws. His love didn't increase or decrease due to mistakes I made. He always treated me in the same loving way, never judging, always trusting. He knew that I would come into my own and never pushed me to be anything but me. He was one of the best people I have ever known, and I don't think I would be who I am had he not been apart of my life. And I must admit, the world also feels just a little bit darker and colder without him.

july 24th

Today he would have been 56.



Funny how things change.