Since I was six years old, I have had my life planned out for myself. I knew what I wanted in life and I got through every obstacle, because I saw the bigger picture, I saw where I wanted to be in life and I had to push myself through all the crap in order to get there. It was perhaps one of my only saving graces. But now-- now I'm so confused. I question myself and every action or decision I make. I don't know what I want anymore, and therefore I can't push past this.
I'm happy with my life, I am. I have the most amazing friends I could ask for. True friends that love me despite how stupid and horrible I can sometimes be. I have a wonderful mom who has sacrificed so much for me. Who would go through hell and back if it meant sparing me from pain. I have God, without whom there is no way I could wake up in the morning. I have material things that I love perhaps too much. And a million other things that I won't ramble on about. But I lack in motivation. I lack in inspiration. And most of all, I lack in knowing where I am going.
This is I suppose what college is all about. This is the time of your life when you become independent. When you find out who you are in life and what you can do to better yourself and the world around you. And I suppose in that aspect, I love the not knowing. I love discovering new weird stuff I do (like that I say interesting a lot, or that I have to let myself dwell in sadness to figure out what is wrong with me so I can work through it). But I don't like that the plan I had for myself is gone. That I wonder not only if I want to be a teacher, but if I am cut out to be one. I know we shouldn't dwell on the what ifs of life- but in this case it is hard. Some have told me to swtich majors-- but to what? I've never wanted to do anything else. Some have said take a break. But would I ever come back? And not only that, but what would I do with my life? I want to travel. To find myself and figure out this world a little more before I go out into it. But alas, I am stuck.
Whatever it is in life that I am meant to accomplish and achieve, I have to find out from my home base. And I suppose I am ok with that, it is just that I want to be sure of what I am doing. I want to know that this is where I am suppose to be in life and that I am going down the correct path, and then I can continue going or look for an alternative route.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I am Brad Pitt...
...kind of cute until I open my mouth. See below article for explaination:
Jaguars-Texans Game Won't Be On TV
Blackout Is Second This Season
POSTED: 10:44 am EDT October 11, 2007
Recommend (6)
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- With about 4,000 tickets unsold for Sunday's game between the Jaguars and Texans, the team announced Thursday the game will not be televised in the Jacksonville area -- the second blackout out of three home games so far this year.
National Football League guidelines require that all non-premium seats be sold out 72 hours prior to kickoff of a home game or it will not be shown on television.
The NFL rule applies to every television station whose signal reaches within 75 miles of Jacksonville, so the blackout will also apply to the Gainesville, Orlando/Daytona Beach and Savannah markets.
Individuals and sports bars and other business establishments located within the blackout area are also not allowed to show the game, via satellite or any other means.
The game will still be broadcast live on the radio on WOKV (690 AM and 106.5 FM).
The team went for two seasons without a game blackout after they covered up almost 10,000 seats after the 2004 season.
"It's kind of surprising since Jacksonville seems to be the big football fanatic," fan Kellie Stapleton said.
With the Jaguars 4-1 and coming on strong, fans around the stadium Thursday morning told Channel 4's Dan Leveton they don't know why the games aren't selling out.
"With the potential that they have ... they should do better," said fan David Greene.
Tickets to the game can be purchased online at Jaguars.com, by calling 904-633-2000 or at the ticket office at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.
The ticket office will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday. On Sunday, the ticket windows at the north end of the stadium between gates 2 and 3 will open at 10 a.m.
1- I was misquoted in this article.
2- It was actually an interview with the guy from First Coast News that I got sucked into today and I looked and sounded like an idiot--- no exaggeration. I couldn't find my words and when I did, the only cohesive phrase that left my lips was incredibly .... idiotic. See, I am still at a loss of words.
3- I was on the news 3x's tonight... :(
Jaguars-Texans Game Won't Be On TV
Blackout Is Second This Season
POSTED: 10:44 am EDT October 11, 2007
Recommend (6)
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- With about 4,000 tickets unsold for Sunday's game between the Jaguars and Texans, the team announced Thursday the game will not be televised in the Jacksonville area -- the second blackout out of three home games so far this year.
National Football League guidelines require that all non-premium seats be sold out 72 hours prior to kickoff of a home game or it will not be shown on television.
The NFL rule applies to every television station whose signal reaches within 75 miles of Jacksonville, so the blackout will also apply to the Gainesville, Orlando/Daytona Beach and Savannah markets.
Individuals and sports bars and other business establishments located within the blackout area are also not allowed to show the game, via satellite or any other means.
The game will still be broadcast live on the radio on WOKV (690 AM and 106.5 FM).
The team went for two seasons without a game blackout after they covered up almost 10,000 seats after the 2004 season.
"It's kind of surprising since Jacksonville seems to be the big football fanatic," fan Kellie Stapleton said.
With the Jaguars 4-1 and coming on strong, fans around the stadium Thursday morning told Channel 4's Dan Leveton they don't know why the games aren't selling out.
"With the potential that they have ... they should do better," said fan David Greene.
Tickets to the game can be purchased online at Jaguars.com, by calling 904-633-2000 or at the ticket office at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.
The ticket office will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday. On Sunday, the ticket windows at the north end of the stadium between gates 2 and 3 will open at 10 a.m.
1- I was misquoted in this article.
2- It was actually an interview with the guy from First Coast News that I got sucked into today and I looked and sounded like an idiot--- no exaggeration. I couldn't find my words and when I did, the only cohesive phrase that left my lips was incredibly .... idiotic. See, I am still at a loss of words.
3- I was on the news 3x's tonight... :(
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Anticipation leads to confusion
October 10 -- it is the day I look forward to every year. For no other reason than it was once in a dream I had. To explain, before anyone thinks I am crazy....
Six years ago (right after my Dad died) I had a dream that he wrote me a note. Kind of a goodbye note. In it was the date October 10. I don't remember if I ever saw the year, but the 10-10 stuck out and has yet to leave my mind, even this many years later. After I had the dream, I searched my diaries and devotionals thinking maybe something HAD happened on one of these days-- but I couldn't find anything that made much sense. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that on this day --October 10, one year something amazing will happen.
This year though, I was left in confusion. Today was a good day, don't get my wrong, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. Nothing spectacular.
Perhaps it is crazy to believe so much in dreams and their meanings- but I am not the only one...read the Bible.
I think that if we pay attention to our dreams, they will help us to figure out what is haunting us and perhaps even give us a solution. We just have to be willing to listen... but there is the common problem with anything -- willing to listen.
Six years ago (right after my Dad died) I had a dream that he wrote me a note. Kind of a goodbye note. In it was the date October 10. I don't remember if I ever saw the year, but the 10-10 stuck out and has yet to leave my mind, even this many years later. After I had the dream, I searched my diaries and devotionals thinking maybe something HAD happened on one of these days-- but I couldn't find anything that made much sense. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that on this day --October 10, one year something amazing will happen.
This year though, I was left in confusion. Today was a good day, don't get my wrong, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. Nothing spectacular.
Perhaps it is crazy to believe so much in dreams and their meanings- but I am not the only one...read the Bible.
I think that if we pay attention to our dreams, they will help us to figure out what is haunting us and perhaps even give us a solution. We just have to be willing to listen... but there is the common problem with anything -- willing to listen.
Monday, October 8, 2007
the middle
Why is it that in the end you think about the beginning? Or that at the end, you realize how good things once were?
I'm trying to see the good in life. But I keep seeing friends going through difficult times that I think they shouldn't have to deal with, yet I suppose God sees the reason behind it and we all just have to trust in His judgement, knowing that with Him we will get through it. It reminds me of a Hope Floats quote. (Terrible movie, but this quote makes a good point):
The beginnings are usually scary, the endings sad, but it is the middle that counts the most.
So here goes trying to make the most of the middle. Not worrying about the future (at least not too much) and not dwelling on the past. Simply living and doing the best at it that I can.
I'm trying to see the good in life. But I keep seeing friends going through difficult times that I think they shouldn't have to deal with, yet I suppose God sees the reason behind it and we all just have to trust in His judgement, knowing that with Him we will get through it. It reminds me of a Hope Floats quote. (Terrible movie, but this quote makes a good point):
The beginnings are usually scary, the endings sad, but it is the middle that counts the most.
So here goes trying to make the most of the middle. Not worrying about the future (at least not too much) and not dwelling on the past. Simply living and doing the best at it that I can.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Florida welcomes you
Drove to Georgia.... sometimes you just have to clear your mind and get away from the familiar.
Other that, the only new thing is that sushi and I are no longer friends! (Oh, and the movie The Kingdom is AMAZING--- GO SEE IT)!!!!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Yesterday was......eh. I think I hit bottom- realizing that things need to be different. Or at least my outlook on the things in my life need to be different.
I tried to play the keyboard... I remember nothing.
I tried to do homework, but couldn't concentrate.
I felt sick at work.
I had no clue as to what I was doing at work (yet they still expected me to do it without fully explaining to me what to do).
I was hating classes and freaking out about if I should be a teacher-- or better yet CAN be one.
Got into a kinda fight with a good friend.
Went for a drive and had a long talk with Someone I needed to catch up with.
Today has been better.
I got to observe a classroom and it reaffirmed that I love kids and WANT to teach.
My class was cut short.
I got to hang out with a friend.
I bought posters (and my room is feeling complete).
I got starbucks.
My orientation was cut short!!!
I have the option of going to England to teach for a few weeks right before I graduate, I just have to keep my grades up and work my butt off.... (dunno how that will work out).
Tonight I get to hang out with a friend I have missed and haven't been able to see in awhile.
Ending thought (that I got in a sappy e-mail, but it has a point):
Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
I tried to play the keyboard... I remember nothing.
I tried to do homework, but couldn't concentrate.
I felt sick at work.
I had no clue as to what I was doing at work (yet they still expected me to do it without fully explaining to me what to do).
I was hating classes and freaking out about if I should be a teacher-- or better yet CAN be one.
Got into a kinda fight with a good friend.
Went for a drive and had a long talk with Someone I needed to catch up with.
Today has been better.
I got to observe a classroom and it reaffirmed that I love kids and WANT to teach.
My class was cut short.
I got to hang out with a friend.
I bought posters (and my room is feeling complete).
I got starbucks.
My orientation was cut short!!!
I have the option of going to England to teach for a few weeks right before I graduate, I just have to keep my grades up and work my butt off.... (dunno how that will work out).
Tonight I get to hang out with a friend I have missed and haven't been able to see in awhile.
Ending thought (that I got in a sappy e-mail, but it has a point):
Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Monday, September 3, 2007
the many sides of me
First celebrity crush: Leonardo DiCaprio (sadly) and Kevin Bacon (Footloose)
Most recent celebrity crush: A lot..... James Franco, Orlando Bloom, Josh Lucas
First favorite color: blue
Most recent favorite color: pink and maroon
First car: '97 Jeep Grand Cherokee (Jerry) it was a dark tanish brown. It use to be my Dad's.
Most recent car: Silver '05 Jetta VW. (No name as of yet).
First vacation: I think it was to New Hampshire for my cousin's wedding
Most recent vacation: Daytona with the girls!!!
First home: Pensacola. Lived with my Mom, Dad and when I was 2 my sister moved in with us.
Most recent home: Jax. Live with my roommate Leigh
First pet: Buttons. Red long hair Dachshund. Lived to be 16.
Most recent pet: 2 dogs, Coco (pound puppy, 11 years old) and Au'bre (black long hair dachshund; 5 years old).
First best friend: Mike. We were basically friends as soon as I was out of the womb.
Most recent best friend: My mom, Leigh and Dani. (Plus a ton of AMAZING really good friends that I don't know what I would do without)
First hair cut: I was 2. And I have no recollection of it.
Most recent hair cut: Too long ago. But it was done by James. I hated it at first and then LOVED it.
First job I wanted to have: teaching
Most recent job I want to have: teaching (although I often think about switching majors due to my classes.....)
First job I ever had: Besides babysitting, hostess at Applebees.
Most recent job: Receptionist/copy girl/runner/slave at a lawfirm.
My first favorite show: Full House
Most recent favorite show(s): Gilmore Girls, Friends, Daily Show, I Love Lucy
First CD I ever got: Batman soundtrack
Last CD I bought: Mae, Singularity
Want, believe and need:
-I want to appreciate the people and things in my life more often
-I believe that Starbucks really is the cure all drink
-I want to fully love myself
-I want to be in better shape
-I want to be closer to God
-I believe that God can do anything
-I want faith that moves mountains
-I want to live by hope and faith, not by fear (2 Timothy 1:7)
-I want to love everyone
-I want to be apart of something life changing
-I want to always hope for the best
-I believe that God can help me through anything
-I believe God put friends in our lives to help us through everything as well
-I need to get motivated
-I need to take time to recognize all the good things in my life
-I want to be content with my life and all that is in it
-I want to one day be an amazing teacher
-I want to travel the world
-I want to never give up
-I want to find my place in this world
-I believe that Christ loved me enough to die for me. (Galatians 2:20)
-I want to live life to the fullest
-I want to be excited about life and what is in store
-I want to find humor and beauty in everything
-I want to avoid dwelling
-I want to be a better person
-I believe that love wins
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
If only I knew....
The first week of school is always rough for me. I hate starting over. Plus there's getting use to new classes, new teachers, new schedules, new everything...and trying to make new friends. It's only the second day and I am just stressed to the max. I think that while today was for the most part good, at one point I just kind of hit bottom. I feel like tonight everything is falling apart. And I am so worried and upset over so many things, that I am literally making myself sick.
I just don't know if I can hack this.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I really just want to get away from life. Escape it and perhaps never come back.
I don't know why I do this to myself.
I just don't know if I can hack this.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I really just want to get away from life. Escape it and perhaps never come back.
I don't know why I do this to myself.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I really expected to feel different today. It is after all the day I dread all year long. But for some reason I am not sad. Maybe that part of grieving is over... or maybe I have just come to accept the truth. I fear though, that it's just that I am no longer missing a person, but missing a fictional, dreamlike character. My memories that include him seem so distant and as if I just made them up. I have forgotten what he sounds like (so I watch home movies) I have forgotten his smell but worst of all I can't cry about today. What happened six years ago today is still as vivid to me as if it had happened only yesterday, yet the emotions seem to have vanished.
I still miss him like crazy though. He was one of those rare people that loved me in spite of all my flaws. His love didn't increase or decrease due to mistakes I made. He always treated me in the same loving way, never judging, always trusting. He knew that I would come into my own and never pushed me to be anything but me. He was one of the best people I have ever known, and I don't think I would be who I am had he not been apart of my life. And I must admit, the world also feels just a little bit darker and colder without him.
I still miss him like crazy though. He was one of those rare people that loved me in spite of all my flaws. His love didn't increase or decrease due to mistakes I made. He always treated me in the same loving way, never judging, always trusting. He knew that I would come into my own and never pushed me to be anything but me. He was one of the best people I have ever known, and I don't think I would be who I am had he not been apart of my life. And I must admit, the world also feels just a little bit darker and colder without him.
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