a full moon on a black friday

My dogs on Thanksgiving.

The job I was given for Thanksgiving lunch/dinner. To put the olives and pickles out. Woo for me. Ha. Although, the best part of the day was when flames came shooting out of the oven. Luckily for my mom, I didn't have my camera ready for that one....

What I bought for myself on black Friday.

Matt and I "decorated" Leigh's room and bathroom while she was in Missouri. Did we get a little carried away? Perhaps, but it was fun and that's all that matters (well that and she didn't kill us).

Thursday, I went to Daniel Goldhagen's lecture. I think the title basically explains his viewpoint and what the lecture was on.



Monday night, I went to hear Henri Landwirth, a Holocaust survivor.
One thing he said that hit me, was when Henri said that he didn't believe in God while he was in the camps, but when he got out he did, because he feels it was a miracle that he survived and obviously God must've wanted him to stay around and do something big.

And something that one of the professors pointed out that I thought was kinda funny, was when Clinton was President and he was asked about the genocide going on and when the US would step in to do something, he basically responded saying when it poses an interest to the US we would interfere....... hmm

We humans are capable of such terrible and disastrous things and also such beautiful things. - Professor Millicevic

Thanksgiving

I love traditions. I think it's mainly because I am a creature of habit. There are few times I like and accept change, for the most part I like things to stay the way they are. Perhaps this is partly why I am dreading this break.
I cannot even remember the last time I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. Ever since I was in the 3rd grade I have been with family for this day. It started when I was in the 3rd grade and my grandmother died on Thanksgiving. And ever since then my family decided we needed to get together every year and since my Uncle (who was a pastor) couldn't get away for Christmas, we celebrated Thanksgiving together. We would rotate where we met up, but every year we spent this weekend together, stuffing our faces, shopping and roasting marshmallows by the fire. Then in middle school my parents split up. That was the first year I spent both with my Dad's family in Alabama (as usual) and then also with my Mom and our family made up of friends I grew up with in Pensacola. Then, after my Dad died, my Mom and I went to Pensacola every year to spend Thanksgiving. Mainly because holidays needed a special touch to them. I guess (not to sound all depressing) after my Dad died, holidays didn't mean as much. I stopped talking to my Dad's side of the family and it was only me and my Mom, even on the holidays, so we needed to somehow make these occasions mean something more.
But this year, we're staying in Jax. Granted, my aunt is coming into town, so at least that. But still, no tradition. No Pensacola. No friends that are more like family. And then of course, no family. I think I'm a little heartbroken by this (especially since everyone is leaving to go home) but mainly because I don't know where home is for me. I don't know where I belong. I thought home was now Jax, but now I'm not sure. I feel like I just wander, with no real home, no real place to call my own.
However, I suppose to I need to put all this aside as best I can and try to be thankful for what I do have. Because what I do have are amazing friends that love me despite my flaws. I have an awesome Mom who's one of my best friends. I have a big, soft bed that I will soon be finding comfort in. And most importantly, I have Thanksgiving food to look forward to. Actually, I guess most importantly I have God and I know that with Him I can make it through all this crap going on. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know if I just hang on and cling to Him, one day I will be on the other end of the long, darn tunnel.

lost in thought

Nikki Grimes once wrote "pain melts into memory". I'll give her that... but sometimes, memory causes pain.

This past week has been tough and it seems that the hits just keep coming. And all I really want is my Dad. I want him to hold me tight like he did when I was a little girl and tell me that things will all work out. I wouldn't believe anyone else, but I would believe him, because he's my Dad. He knows all right? Or did... But somehow him reassuring me would make it all better. But he's not here. And tonight, I'm having difficulty dealing with that. Tonight, I'm not sure I am ok. And being without him.... hurts like no other pain.

It's hard to describe what it's like to lose a parent and a best friend. Yes, I at least know he is in a better place, but there are so many times when I wish he were here with me, to help get me through life. Or that I was with him. Both of us in a better place. But tonight... we are so far away. Both in different places and all I can do is miss him and try to fight back the tears. All I can do is pray that somehow I won't fall apart.

Lost motivation, if found please return....

Since I was six years old, I have had my life planned out for myself. I knew what I wanted in life and I got through every obstacle, because I saw the bigger picture, I saw where I wanted to be in life and I had to push myself through all the crap in order to get there. It was perhaps one of my only saving graces. But now-- now I'm so confused. I question myself and every action or decision I make. I don't know what I want anymore, and therefore I can't push past this.
I'm happy with my life, I am. I have the most amazing friends I could ask for. True friends that love me despite how stupid and horrible I can sometimes be. I have a wonderful mom who has sacrificed so much for me. Who would go through hell and back if it meant sparing me from pain. I have God, without whom there is no way I could wake up in the morning. I have material things that I love perhaps too much. And a million other things that I won't ramble on about. But I lack in motivation. I lack in inspiration. And most of all, I lack in knowing where I am going.
This is I suppose what college is all about. This is the time of your life when you become independent. When you find out who you are in life and what you can do to better yourself and the world around you. And I suppose in that aspect, I love the not knowing. I love discovering new weird stuff I do (like that I say interesting a lot, or that I have to let myself dwell in sadness to figure out what is wrong with me so I can work through it). But I don't like that the plan I had for myself is gone. That I wonder not only if I want to be a teacher, but if I am cut out to be one. I know we shouldn't dwell on the what ifs of life- but in this case it is hard. Some have told me to swtich majors-- but to what? I've never wanted to do anything else. Some have said take a break. But would I ever come back? And not only that, but what would I do with my life? I want to travel. To find myself and figure out this world a little more before I go out into it. But alas, I am stuck.
Whatever it is in life that I am meant to accomplish and achieve, I have to find out from my home base. And I suppose I am ok with that, it is just that I want to be sure of what I am doing. I want to know that this is where I am suppose to be in life and that I am going down the correct path, and then I can continue going or look for an alternative route.

I am Brad Pitt...

...kind of cute until I open my mouth. See below article for explaination:


Jaguars-Texans Game Won't Be On TV
Blackout Is Second This Season
POSTED: 10:44 am EDT October 11, 2007
Recommend (6)

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- With about 4,000 tickets unsold for Sunday's game between the Jaguars and Texans, the team announced Thursday the game will not be televised in the Jacksonville area -- the second blackout out of three home games so far this year.
National Football League guidelines require that all non-premium seats be sold out 72 hours prior to kickoff of a home game or it will not be shown on television.
The NFL rule applies to every television station whose signal reaches within 75 miles of Jacksonville, so the blackout will also apply to the Gainesville, Orlando/Daytona Beach and Savannah markets.
Individuals and sports bars and other business establishments located within the blackout area are also not allowed to show the game, via satellite or any other means.
The game will still be broadcast live on the radio on WOKV (690 AM and 106.5 FM).
The team went for two seasons without a game blackout after they covered up almost 10,000 seats after the 2004 season.
"It's kind of surprising since Jacksonville seems to be the big football fanatic," fan Kellie Stapleton said.
With the Jaguars 4-1 and coming on strong, fans around the stadium Thursday morning told Channel 4's Dan Leveton they don't know why the games aren't selling out.
"With the potential that they have ... they should do better," said fan David Greene.
Tickets to the game can be purchased online at Jaguars.com, by calling 904-633-2000 or at the ticket office at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.
The ticket office will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday. On Sunday, the ticket windows at the north end of the stadium between gates 2 and 3 will open at 10 a.m.


1- I was misquoted in this article.
2- It was actually an interview with the guy from First Coast News that I got sucked into today and I looked and sounded like an idiot--- no exaggeration. I couldn't find my words and when I did, the only cohesive phrase that left my lips was incredibly .... idiotic. See, I am still at a loss of words.
3- I was on the news 3x's tonight... :(

Anticipation leads to confusion

October 10 -- it is the day I look forward to every year. For no other reason than it was once in a dream I had. To explain, before anyone thinks I am crazy....
Six years ago (right after my Dad died) I had a dream that he wrote me a note. Kind of a goodbye note. In it was the date October 10. I don't remember if I ever saw the year, but the 10-10 stuck out and has yet to leave my mind, even this many years later. After I had the dream, I searched my diaries and devotionals thinking maybe something HAD happened on one of these days-- but I couldn't find anything that made much sense. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that on this day --October 10, one year something amazing will happen.
This year though, I was left in confusion. Today was a good day, don't get my wrong, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. Nothing spectacular.
Perhaps it is crazy to believe so much in dreams and their meanings- but I am not the only one...read the Bible.
I think that if we pay attention to our dreams, they will help us to figure out what is haunting us and perhaps even give us a solution. We just have to be willing to listen... but there is the common problem with anything -- willing to listen.

the middle

Why is it that in the end you think about the beginning? Or that at the end, you realize how good things once were?
I'm trying to see the good in life. But I keep seeing friends going through difficult times that I think they shouldn't have to deal with, yet I suppose God sees the reason behind it and we all just have to trust in His judgement, knowing that with Him we will get through it. It reminds me of a Hope Floats quote. (Terrible movie, but this quote makes a good point):
The beginnings are usually scary, the endings sad, but it is the middle that counts the most.

So here goes trying to make the most of the middle. Not worrying about the future (at least not too much) and not dwelling on the past. Simply living and doing the best at it that I can.

Florida welcomes you

Drove to Georgia.... sometimes you just have to clear your mind and get away from the familiar.

Other that, the only new thing is that sushi and I are no longer friends! (Oh, and the movie The Kingdom is AMAZING--- GO SEE IT)!!!!