Monday, January 14, 2008

o ye of little faith

There is a story in the Bible which I am sure most of us are all familiar with. It's about Jesus walking on water.....

"When His followers saw Him walking on the water, they were afraid. They said 'It's a ghost!' and cried out in fear. But Jesus quickly spoke to them, 'Have courage, it is I. Do not be afraid.' Peter said, 'Lord if it is really you, then command me to come to you on the water.' Jesus said 'Come.' And Peter left the boat and walked on the water to Jesus. But when Peter saw the wind and the waves he became afraid and began to sink. He shouted 'Lord save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught Peter. Jesus said 'Your faith is small, why did you doubt?' After they got into the boat, the wind became calm.
---Matthew 14:26-32

What gets to me the most about this passage, is really 2 things. The first is that Peter sank because he doubted not what Jesus could do, but rather what he himself could do. The second thing is that IMMEDIATELY Jesus saved him. Peter asked for help, and Jesus saved him.
I doubt myself. I cannot think of any good qualities that I posses and what's worse is that I use to be able to. I use to know what I was good at. I use to work hard for what I wanted. I use to be happy-- not all the time, but more so than now.
What the hell am I doing with my life? I feel as if I am simply wading through trying to figure it all out and I have distanced myself from God, not because I doubt that He will be or can be there for me, but instead because I doubt myself. I doubt my abilities and myself in general.
I am not sure if I like who I am or who I am becoming-- and I feel that I am in need of a change- a drastic change.
I am hoping to have an important conversation tomorrow with some people that can help me in making this decision. I know that it will work out the way God wants, but I am hoping that what I feel I currently need for my life is in line with what He will allow to happen. I just need change. I need to be happy for more than a day. I want to not depend on a living soul to be there -- I want to depend on only myself and God. I'm just not quite sure how to go about this yet. But I plan on finding out- I have to.

Amazing grace!
How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The world shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun refuse to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Shall be forever mine.
When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we'd first begun.

1 comment:

jessica said...

call me soon. i miss you <3