Friday, December 28, 2007

snow!!!!!!!!!! and skiing!

a bit of night skiing

a little bit chilly

the view from our condo

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

number one

I have always loved Christmas. I can’t ever remember it not being my absolute favorite holiday. What’s not to love? You get presents, food, candy, time with family, a week off from school (or a day from work) the smells are marvelous, the songs are cheery…. It is as if Christmas has the complete package.

But for the past couple of years Christmas just hasn’t been the same. I feel as if I have less Christmas joy and spirit. I’m sure most of it is what everyone else goes through. There’s the growing up factor (which includes Santa) then there is the fact that it seems repetitive, as if each year is a continuation from the previous, with the same songs and hassles. Of course, one must also not leave out the commercialization that comes with this glorious holiday. Instead of celebrating this day for what it is all about (the birth of the Savior, Jesus) it morphs into a day about buying and spending all the money you have on people you rarely ever speak to.

However, one real underlining reason as to why Christmas has lost its spark for me, is the loss of a loved one. Ever since losing my Dad, holidays haven’t been the same. It’s a strange feeling. You want to enjoy the season, but you are constantly bombarded with memories of when they were with you—and of how much better life seemed to be then. Whether it’s seeing Dads and their daughters Christmas shopping at the mall for Mom, or just going to church and singing Christmas carols, each time it feels as if my heart is breaking a little bit more.

Perhaps to most this sounds a bit melodramatic. I think it almost does to me as well…. I think my main problem has been that I have never really been able to talk about his death—or now that he’s gone I feel unable to talk about him at all. It may seem crazy, but it’s sadly true. The people that knew him live far away. My mom and sister don’t talk about it or him (or I fear to bring it up in because it seems to only upset them), and everyone else reacts so oddly to the subject. I feel as if I ever want to talk about him or his death to anyone they shut off—as if they don’t know how to handle me talking about a dead man, so they get quiet and pray that I quickly change the subject, when the truth is all I want to do is talk about him. I have gone six years without really doing so. Sure, I’ve brought up how he died or certain memories including him, but nothing of lasting conversation. And I hate that. Maybe it was my mistake not ever joining a support group, or something of that nature, to help me get by….. I’m glad that none of my friends have had to go through losing a parent, but I honestly just wish I could talk about him. But instead, I am left writing all of this down in a blog and sending it out into the internet world hoping that someone understands.

But does anyone understand?

After my parents became separated I started really getting to know my dad as a person—not just a parent. He and I became close and I considered him to be one of my best friends. We talked every night and I spent every Sunday for a year with him (which also helps to explain why Sundays can still be so hard for me). The thing is—he was number one in my life and I knew I was his. I never doubted his love for me, and I always knew that I was his number one person. I haven’t been anyone’s number one since, and I am scared that I never will be again.

For at least a month after he died I would call his home or cell phones just to hear his voice- perhaps a little pathetic, but this is me we are talking about.

It’s been six years and I still sometimes cry myself to sleep missing him. I had thought those feelings would subside by now. That all my grief would turn into fond memories and I’d miss him, but not this much—not like this. But my heart is still recovering.

Tonight all I could think about was the weekend of his death.

Thursday I hadn’t heard from him, but I let it go, thinking nothing of it. I would talk to him on Friday.
Friday I hung out with a friend of mine, and still had yet to hear from him. My friend told me not to worry, that she was sure he was fine. (But I knew it wasn’t.) And by the way, this is also why I HATE when people tell me that “everything will be ok” or “everything is fine” or whatever other variation. The truth is, you don’t know- so don’t assume. My mom, friend and I drove to his place after the movie that night. He didn’t answer the door, but his car was in its parking spot.
Saturday. I called him multiple times, never hearing anything.
Sunday. My dad didn’t pick me up from church like usual. I waited for him for over an hour, but he never came. Later I called my aunts to see if they knew anything. They told me they hadn’t heard from him and I could tell in their voices that they were worried, though they tried to hide it. By 11pm my mom decided to go check on him again. She made me pack my bags and go over to my best friend’s house to sleep over. The next day was the first day of high school and I needed to get ready for it. Although all I could think about was why my dad wasn’t there for me that day. We were suppose to have an end of the summer blow out, celebrating me going into high school.

I tried so hard to sleep that night. I was continuously tossing and turning though, picturing what might have happened to him. At 6 am on Monday, I heard a car door in my friend’s driveway. I knew it was my mom. And when my friend’s mom went outside to greet her and they stayed out there for what seemed like an eternity, I knew my worst fear had come true, yet I still wasn’t ready for it. When my mom walked in the door, her eyes were blood shot and swollen. She was trying so hard to put on a brave face to tell me the news. She sat me down at the kitchen table and then somehow found the words. “You’re dad is dead,” still haunt me. Dead. It’s such a harsh and straight to the point word.

I didn’t even cry when she told me. It felt like a nightmare and I was unable to comprehend what was racing throughout my head.

I spent my first week of high school in bed.

Later my mom told me more about that fateful night. She had called 911 before she left, so when she and my aunt arrived at my dad’s, the police and emt had already arrived and found him. When they checked his pockets, they found a note. At first, they thought it may have been a suicide note, but upon further inspection, they found that it was a note from me.
Every time I went to his place, I would leave notes all over his apartment, telling him thanks for lunch or thanks for hanging out with me, or reminding him that I thought he was the world’s greatest dad. I knew that he was sad and the little kid in me figured my notes would help him in some way. So it was one of those that he kept on him at all times, and it was one of those that he had on him that day.

I knew he loved me. And I know he knew I loved him. What hurts (besides the fact that I lost my number one) is that I never got to say goodbye. I don’t even remember our last conversation.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Life is short

Break the rules
(and get a tattoo!!) ha

Forgive quickly

Kiss slowly
(Sarah kissing her boyfriend before his band played)

Love truly
(like my nephew and niece)

Laugh uncontrollably

Never regret anything that made you smile.
(even if you look like a complete dork).

scrapbook madness

This is my attempt at being creative in scrapbooking. Granted it is no where near where I want to be, but it's better than it has been I guess (lol which says a lot). Maybe for Christmas Santa will bring me some creativity and originality!?!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

what has become of me?

I am a jerk. A complete and utter jerk.
I have tried to apologize, but let's be honest here....just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean the pain goes away and it doesn't make it all better. The damage has been done and there is nothing left to do, but feel as if you are the worst person/friend in the world. And that is how I feel.
The word sorry means nothing, for it can't change the past.
What's been done has been done and because of that I have let down one of the people I love most in this world. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Change me even. But I can't. The worst is knowing that I have been forgiven by the person I have hurt; yet I can't manage to forgive myself. How could I? I took away something that brought feelings of happiness, love and self-worth.
A million times over I am sorry. And you are a bigger and better person for loving me despite how I have acted and what I have done. I love you more than you know for that.

Friday, December 14, 2007

my bucket list

A list of goals I made up in high school that I wanted to achieve. Things have been added, some things have been blown, but here is the list:

Things to do:
-go to a Goo Goo Dolls concert
-meet one of our Presidents
-drive a corvette
-fly like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-put a message in a bottle
-get a makeover
-protest something
-have the best/most diverse music collection
-learn a foreign language
-write a devotion/sermon
-memorize/play a song on the piano
-scuba dive
-see a Broadway play
-see a kangaroo
-see a koala
-learn different dances
-go on a road trip
-join a sorority
-give an important speech
-help build a house
-write a book
- get married
-have a family
-swim with the dolphins
-learn about other religions
-learn about other cultures and countries
-throw a fancy dinner party
-read every Mary Higgins Clark book
-read every Agatha Christy book
-speak in tongues
-bring someone to Christ
-learn how to grill
-go windsurfing
-go sailing
-ride horseback on the beach
-learn a song on the guitar
-learn how to drive a stick shift
-dance on a table
-adopt a kid
-be a teacher
-sponsor a kid
- race a car
-get acupuncture
-go to a Coldplay concert
-see every Alfred Hitchcock movie
-learn to skateboard
-graduate college
-be an intern for a magazine
-sing at a karaoke bar
-go to the love parade
-be a donor
-crowd surf
-see a panda
-dance on the side of the road
-get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it instead of just thinking about it
-drive the autobahn
-kiss the blarney stone
-have a good passionate kiss in the rain (like in Breakfast at Tiffanys)
-ride on an elephant
- go on a safari
-ride a camel to the Pyramids, Egypt
-go off roading
-dance in the pouring rain
-be able to make a guy go weak in the knees with just a look
-have a group sing a long (like in My Best Friend's Wedding)
-pull an all nighter and see the sunrise
-find my mission in life
-go to/have a bonfire
-make my own list of what I think are the 100 most memorable movie quotes
-make out in an elevator
-learn how to fix a car

Places to go:
-the desert
-Omish county
-walk the Great Wall of China
-5 of the 7 continents (already have N. America and screw Antarctica)
-the 7 wonders of the Middle Ages
-the 7 wonders of the Ancient World
-the 7 wonders of Today
-the 7 Natural wonders
-all 50 states
-Key West
-Africa, Cuba, or Haiti for a mission trip
-Mexico for Cinco de Mayo
-live in DC
-live in NYC
-live in England
-visit the Holy Land
-Mardi Gras in New Orleans

How I want to change:
- not care what other people think of me
-help the less fortunate
-have a job that will change people's lives
-be nice to everyone
-stop worrying about the thngs I can do nothing about and work on the things I can do something about
-be independent
-be comfortable in my own skin
-get into shape
-never hold a grudge
-never run from problems
-learn how to take a compliment

What I've done so far:
-get a New Year's kiss
-get a kiss under the mistletoe
-graduate high school
-experience a sunrise
-ride a motorcycle
-go white water rafting
-go parasailing
-rock climb
-ride in a hot air balloon
-have a job before college
-go to college
-go camping
-donate blood
-read the entire Bible
-go kaiking
-go to a Mae concert
-go paint balling
-pull an amazing prank on someone
-go on a double date
-get a tattoo
-go to Prague
- go one a cruise
-go one a walk for a cause
-have a pen pal that I have never before met
-ride a jet ski
-experience a sunset (not just see it)

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Merry Christmas to myself

So Dani and I finally did it.... we got our tattoos. Another goal accomplished. Mine is a little small and plain, but I think I'm going to add more to it. I really want to add a Bible verse. I was thinking Deuteronomy 31:6. "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. "

Tonight, Leigh, my parents and I went to the Xmas concert at Crossroads. It has started to put me in the Christmas spirit. Although I can't believe it is around the corner.... But I am determined to make this one a good one. I want it to be more about my family and friends than about buying gifts. I want it to be more about Jesus than about me and what I want.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

lost in thought

"This Is The Countdown"

Are you getting tired?
I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire.
But I don’t wanna fight anymore,
I’ve had enough, of this town.

I can see the signs,
and I can read between the lines.
But I don’t know what we were fighting for,
I’m just trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

You put your nets out,
but still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch the butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and

As seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

Should've known better than to listen.
When the dreams and the words started falling apart.

Should've known i would've hit the ground running.

Did you think that the night would posses us,
Take us over like the rain that’s falling down.

Did you notice when the clock stopped running.

This is the countdown;
You see our time is running out.
I tread to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.

I’ll never know what we were fighting for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

Monday, December 3, 2007


The weekend I was dreading turned into a really amazing one instead. (Minus a few plans I wanted to do not working out).

I have been so close to the breaking point lately due to school, work, and other drama concerning friends.... Friday I finally broke. It was sad, something that usually would not have gotten to me as much finally just broke me. I spent my entire lunch hour in tears. But it was kind of a relief. I needed to get it out and once that was over, I was able to in a way start over.
Friday night I was able to hang out with friends that I have been missing. Plus there was chinese food (and a fortune that promised me cake...although I have yet to see it).
Saturday was a lazy day. I was suppose to study, but every time I tried I just couldn't concentrate. Which was then followed by Jess and I eating way to many calories (thank you awesome blossom) but I enjoyed every minute of it. And then of course, Dan's show.

I finally feel at ease (or at least more than before). Life is still hectic, but I don't feel like I am at my wit's end anymore. And what is even better, is that I feel that I am able to enjoy life more and see the good more clearly. While I hate that I had to get to that "breaking point" I'm in a way thankful for it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

a full moon on a black friday

My dogs on Thanksgiving.

The job I was given for Thanksgiving lunch/dinner. To put the olives and pickles out. Woo for me. Ha. Although, the best part of the day was when flames came shooting out of the oven. Luckily for my mom, I didn't have my camera ready for that one....
What I bought for myself on black Friday.

Matt and I "decorated" Leigh's room and bathroom while she was in Missouri. Did we get a little carried away? Perhaps, but it was fun and that's all that matters (well that and she didn't kill us).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thursday, I went to Daniel Goldhagen's lecture. I think the title basically explains his viewpoint and what the lecture was on.

Monday night, I went to hear Henri Landwirth, a Holocaust survivor.
One thing he said that hit me, was when Henri said that he didn't believe in God while he was in the camps, but when he got out he did, because he feels it was a miracle that he survived and obviously God must've wanted him to stay around and do something big.

And something that one of the professors pointed out that I thought was kinda funny, was when Clinton was President and he was asked about the genocide going on and when the US would step in to do something, he basically responded saying when it poses an interest to the US we would interfere....... hmm

We humans are capable of such terrible and disastrous things and also such beautiful things. - Professor Millicevic

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I love traditions. I think it's mainly because I am a creature of habit. There are few times I like and accept change, for the most part I like things to stay the way they are. Perhaps this is partly why I am dreading this break.
I cannot even remember the last time I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. Ever since I was in the 3rd grade I have been with family for this day. It started when I was in the 3rd grade and my grandmother died on Thanksgiving. And ever since then my family decided we needed to get together every year and since my Uncle (who was a pastor) couldn't get away for Christmas, we celebrated Thanksgiving together. We would rotate where we met up, but every year we spent this weekend together, stuffing our faces, shopping and roasting marshmallows by the fire. Then in middle school my parents split up. That was the first year I spent both with my Dad's family in Alabama (as usual) and then also with my Mom and our family made up of friends I grew up with in Pensacola. Then, after my Dad died, my Mom and I went to Pensacola every year to spend Thanksgiving. Mainly because holidays needed a special touch to them. I guess (not to sound all depressing) after my Dad died, holidays didn't mean as much. I stopped talking to my Dad's side of the family and it was only me and my Mom, even on the holidays, so we needed to somehow make these occasions mean something more.
But this year, we're staying in Jax. Granted, my aunt is coming into town, so at least that. But still, no tradition. No Pensacola. No friends that are more like family. And then of course, no family. I think I'm a little heartbroken by this (especially since everyone is leaving to go home) but mainly because I don't know where home is for me. I don't know where I belong. I thought home was now Jax, but now I'm not sure. I feel like I just wander, with no real home, no real place to call my own.
However, I suppose to I need to put all this aside as best I can and try to be thankful for what I do have. Because what I do have are amazing friends that love me despite my flaws. I have an awesome Mom who's one of my best friends. I have a big, soft bed that I will soon be finding comfort in. And most importantly, I have Thanksgiving food to look forward to. Actually, I guess most importantly I have God and I know that with Him I can make it through all this crap going on. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know if I just hang on and cling to Him, one day I will be on the other end of the long, darn tunnel.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

lost in thought

Nikki Grimes once wrote "pain melts into memory". I'll give her that... but sometimes, memory causes pain.
This past week has been tough and it seems that the hits just keep coming. And all I really want is my Dad. I want him to hold me tight like he did when I was a little girl and tell me that things will all work out. I wouldn't believe anyone else, but I would believe him, because he's my Dad. He knows all right? Or did... But somehow him reassuring me would make it all better. But he's not here. And tonight, I'm having difficulty dealing with that. Tonight, I'm not sure I am ok. And being without him.... hurts like no other pain.

It's hard to describe what it's like to lose a parent and a best friend. Yes, I at least know he is in a better place, but there are so many times when I wish he were here with me, to help get me through life. Or that I was with him. Both of us in a better place. But tonight... we are so far away. Both in different places and all I can do is miss him and try to fight back the tears. All I can do is pray that somehow I won't fall apart.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Lost motivation, if found please return....

Since I was six years old, I have had my life planned out for myself. I knew what I wanted in life and I got through every obstacle, because I saw the bigger picture, I saw where I wanted to be in life and I had to push myself through all the crap in order to get there. It was perhaps one of my only saving graces. But now-- now I'm so confused. I question myself and every action or decision I make. I don't know what I want anymore, and therefore I can't push past this.
I'm happy with my life, I am. I have the most amazing friends I could ask for. True friends that love me despite how stupid and horrible I can sometimes be. I have a wonderful mom who has sacrificed so much for me. Who would go through hell and back if it meant sparing me from pain. I have God, without whom there is no way I could wake up in the morning. I have material things that I love perhaps too much. And a million other things that I won't ramble on about. But I lack in motivation. I lack in inspiration. And most of all, I lack in knowing where I am going.
This is I suppose what college is all about. This is the time of your life when you become independent. When you find out who you are in life and what you can do to better yourself and the world around you. And I suppose in that aspect, I love the not knowing. I love discovering new weird stuff I do (like that I say interesting a lot, or that I have to let myself dwell in sadness to figure out what is wrong with me so I can work through it). But I don't like that the plan I had for myself is gone. That I wonder not only if I want to be a teacher, but if I am cut out to be one. I know we shouldn't dwell on the what ifs of life- but in this case it is hard. Some have told me to swtich majors-- but to what? I've never wanted to do anything else. Some have said take a break. But would I ever come back? And not only that, but what would I do with my life? I want to travel. To find myself and figure out this world a little more before I go out into it. But alas, I am stuck.
Whatever it is in life that I am meant to accomplish and achieve, I have to find out from my home base. And I suppose I am ok with that, it is just that I want to be sure of what I am doing. I want to know that this is where I am suppose to be in life and that I am going down the correct path, and then I can continue going or look for an alternative route.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I am Brad Pitt...

...kind of cute until I open my mouth. See below article for explaination:

Jaguars-Texans Game Won't Be On TV
Blackout Is Second This Season
POSTED: 10:44 am EDT October 11, 2007
Recommend (6)

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- With about 4,000 tickets unsold for Sunday's game between the Jaguars and Texans, the team announced Thursday the game will not be televised in the Jacksonville area -- the second blackout out of three home games so far this year.
National Football League guidelines require that all non-premium seats be sold out 72 hours prior to kickoff of a home game or it will not be shown on television.
The NFL rule applies to every television station whose signal reaches within 75 miles of Jacksonville, so the blackout will also apply to the Gainesville, Orlando/Daytona Beach and Savannah markets.
Individuals and sports bars and other business establishments located within the blackout area are also not allowed to show the game, via satellite or any other means.
The game will still be broadcast live on the radio on WOKV (690 AM and 106.5 FM).
The team went for two seasons without a game blackout after they covered up almost 10,000 seats after the 2004 season.
"It's kind of surprising since Jacksonville seems to be the big football fanatic," fan Kellie Stapleton said.
With the Jaguars 4-1 and coming on strong, fans around the stadium Thursday morning told Channel 4's Dan Leveton they don't know why the games aren't selling out.
"With the potential that they have ... they should do better," said fan David Greene.
Tickets to the game can be purchased online at, by calling 904-633-2000 or at the ticket office at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.
The ticket office will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday. On Sunday, the ticket windows at the north end of the stadium between gates 2 and 3 will open at 10 a.m.

1- I was misquoted in this article.
2- It was actually an interview with the guy from First Coast News that I got sucked into today and I looked and sounded like an idiot--- no exaggeration. I couldn't find my words and when I did, the only cohesive phrase that left my lips was incredibly .... idiotic. See, I am still at a loss of words.
3- I was on the news 3x's tonight... :(

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Anticipation leads to confusion

October 10 -- it is the day I look forward to every year. For no other reason than it was once in a dream I had. To explain, before anyone thinks I am crazy....
Six years ago (right after my Dad died) I had a dream that he wrote me a note. Kind of a goodbye note. In it was the date October 10. I don't remember if I ever saw the year, but the 10-10 stuck out and has yet to leave my mind, even this many years later. After I had the dream, I searched my diaries and devotionals thinking maybe something HAD happened on one of these days-- but I couldn't find anything that made much sense. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that on this day --October 10, one year something amazing will happen.
This year though, I was left in confusion. Today was a good day, don't get my wrong, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. Nothing spectacular.
Perhaps it is crazy to believe so much in dreams and their meanings- but I am not the only the Bible.
I think that if we pay attention to our dreams, they will help us to figure out what is haunting us and perhaps even give us a solution. We just have to be willing to listen... but there is the common problem with anything -- willing to listen.

Monday, October 8, 2007

the middle

Why is it that in the end you think about the beginning? Or that at the end, you realize how good things once were?
I'm trying to see the good in life. But I keep seeing friends going through difficult times that I think they shouldn't have to deal with, yet I suppose God sees the reason behind it and we all just have to trust in His judgement, knowing that with Him we will get through it. It reminds me of a Hope Floats quote. (Terrible movie, but this quote makes a good point):
The beginnings are usually scary, the endings sad, but it is the middle that counts the most.

So here goes trying to make the most of the middle. Not worrying about the future (at least not too much) and not dwelling on the past. Simply living and doing the best at it that I can.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Florida welcomes you

Drove to Georgia.... sometimes you just have to clear your mind and get away from the familiar.
Other that, the only new thing is that sushi and I are no longer friends! (Oh, and the movie The Kingdom is AMAZING--- GO SEE IT)!!!!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Yesterday I think I hit bottom- realizing that things need to be different. Or at least my outlook on the things in my life need to be different.
I tried to play the keyboard... I remember nothing.
I tried to do homework, but couldn't concentrate.
I felt sick at work.
I had no clue as to what I was doing at work (yet they still expected me to do it without fully explaining to me what to do).
I was hating classes and freaking out about if I should be a teacher-- or better yet CAN be one.
Got into a kinda fight with a good friend.
Went for a drive and had a long talk with Someone I needed to catch up with.

Today has been better.
I got to observe a classroom and it reaffirmed that I love kids and WANT to teach.
My class was cut short.
I got to hang out with a friend.
I bought posters (and my room is feeling complete).
I got starbucks.
My orientation was cut short!!!
I have the option of going to England to teach for a few weeks right before I graduate, I just have to keep my grades up and work my butt off.... (dunno how that will work out).
Tonight I get to hang out with a friend I have missed and haven't been able to see in awhile.

Ending thought (that I got in a sappy e-mail, but it has a point):
Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Monday, September 3, 2007

the many sides of me

First celebrity crush: Leonardo DiCaprio (sadly) and Kevin Bacon (Footloose)
Most recent celebrity crush: A lot..... James Franco, Orlando Bloom, Josh Lucas
First favorite color: blue
Most recent favorite color: pink and maroon

First car: '97 Jeep Grand Cherokee (Jerry) it was a dark tanish brown. It use to be my Dad's.
Most recent car: Silver '05 Jetta VW. (No name as of yet).

First vacation: I think it was to New Hampshire for my cousin's wedding
Most recent vacation: Daytona with the girls!!!

First home: Pensacola. Lived with my Mom, Dad and when I was 2 my sister moved in with us.
Most recent home: Jax. Live with my roommate Leigh

First pet: Buttons. Red long hair Dachshund. Lived to be 16.
Most recent pet: 2 dogs, Coco (pound puppy, 11 years old) and Au'bre (black long hair dachshund; 5 years old).

First best friend: Mike. We were basically friends as soon as I was out of the womb.
Most recent best friend: My mom, Leigh and Dani. (Plus a ton of AMAZING really good friends that I don't know what I would do without)

First hair cut: I was 2. And I have no recollection of it.
Most recent hair cut: Too long ago. But it was done by James. I hated it at first and then LOVED it.

First job I wanted to have: teaching
Most recent job I want to have: teaching (although I often think about switching majors due to my classes.....)
First job I ever had: Besides babysitting, hostess at Applebees.
Most recent job: Receptionist/copy girl/runner/slave at a lawfirm.

My first favorite show: Full House
Most recent favorite show(s): Gilmore Girls, Friends, Daily Show, I Love Lucy

First CD I ever got: Batman soundtrack
Last CD I bought: Mae, Singularity
Want, believe and need:
-I want to appreciate the people and things in my life more often
-I believe that Starbucks really is the cure all drink
-I want to fully love myself
-I want to be in better shape
-I want to be closer to God
-I believe that God can do anything
-I want faith that moves mountains
-I want to live by hope and faith, not by fear (2 Timothy 1:7)
-I want to love everyone
-I want to be apart of something life changing
-I want to always hope for the best
-I believe that God can help me through anything
-I believe God put friends in our lives to help us through everything as well
-I need to get motivated
-I need to take time to recognize all the good things in my life
-I want to be content with my life and all that is in it
-I want to one day be an amazing teacher
-I want to travel the world
-I want to never give up
-I want to find my place in this world
-I believe that Christ loved me enough to die for me. (Galatians 2:20)
-I want to live life to the fullest
-I want to be excited about life and what is in store
-I want to find humor and beauty in everything
-I want to avoid dwelling
-I want to be a better person
-I believe that love wins

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

If only I knew....

The first week of school is always rough for me. I hate starting over. Plus there's getting use to new classes, new teachers, new schedules, new everything...and trying to make new friends. It's only the second day and I am just stressed to the max. I think that while today was for the most part good, at one point I just kind of hit bottom. I feel like tonight everything is falling apart. And I am so worried and upset over so many things, that I am literally making myself sick.
I just don't know if I can hack this.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I really just want to get away from life. Escape it and perhaps never come back.
I don't know why I do this to myself.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I really expected to feel different today. It is after all the day I dread all year long. But for some reason I am not sad. Maybe that part of grieving is over... or maybe I have just come to accept the truth. I fear though, that it's just that I am no longer missing a person, but missing a fictional, dreamlike character. My memories that include him seem so distant and as if I just made them up. I have forgotten what he sounds like (so I watch home movies) I have forgotten his smell but worst of all I can't cry about today. What happened six years ago today is still as vivid to me as if it had happened only yesterday, yet the emotions seem to have vanished.
I still miss him like crazy though. He was one of those rare people that loved me in spite of all my flaws. His love didn't increase or decrease due to mistakes I made. He always treated me in the same loving way, never judging, always trusting. He knew that I would come into my own and never pushed me to be anything but me. He was one of the best people I have ever known, and I don't think I would be who I am had he not been apart of my life. And I must admit, the world also feels just a little bit darker and colder without him.

Monday, August 13, 2007

little miss independent

I absolutely, positvely HATE that because I am a girl I am looked down upon. I know that we are the ones prayed on... with the rapes and murders and kidnapping, etc. But honestly, I can take care of myself just as much as any boy....well kind of. There is my pepper spray.
But when there are 4 of us together, and one could kick the crap outta anyone, and the other has pepper spray permantely glued to her side... do we really need a guy to ruin the moment just so that we can merely "feel" protected. In this case I would have to say it is the common case of the guy needing to look like the hero and protect his girl. I can protect myself thank you.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

August 10th = strangest day

Ok, so I do apologize for the weird random previous post. Before I explain though, I need to backtrack a little to explain exactly why Friday was so strange.
Started out with me going to Starbucks (like every other Friday) and ordering a Dulce de Leche for me and my Mom. It's my favorite drink there!!! But no-- they are out of it and they don't think that they will get any more in stock. I let it go biggie.
Then lunch. Or rather, right before lunch I got off the elevator and literally fell forward. Why? My shoe broke and I was left to hobble back into our office like this. I tried to fix it, but couldn't, so my Mom decided instead of coming to lunch with my friends and I, she would go back to my place and get me more shoes to wear. (This is why I love my Mom). So we are driving to meet my friends so she can drop me off and we get stopped by 2 trains that take FOREVER to pass by. By this point half of my lunch is over and I am wearing shoes that a co-worker lent me that are too tight and 2 sizes to small so I looked like a complete dork (but still had shoes). This whole thing didn't really bother me though. I just laughed it off.
Now here's the clincher. I get home at 5:30, go inside hang out with Leigh, play music and dance to it (cause I'm cool like that). 7:30 we walk outside to go to dance classes and as we walk to my car, we see News vans, a news helicopter, police swarming everywhere, police tape and people just standing around talking. I walked up to a group of guys and asked them what was going on...their response? "That's what we were trying to figure out." Which was odd, because they were clearly NOT from our neighborhood, so one would think they would know what brought them into Sail Cove. So Leigh and I go to dance classes (which I will get into more later) come home and the police are still there and questioning people. We freak out, and ask a neighbor what happened. Here's the dirt: 2 buildings away from ours there was an apparent home invasion. To make things worse, the 2 guys that broke in started shooting, leaving one man dead and then ran. There are no suspects, no witnesses, just 2 armed robbers/murders on the loose. Needless to say Leigh and I freaked out. So we decided to pack our bags and go to my Mom's. There's still no more new information.
On a happier note, dance classes were extremely fun. We learned the Salsa. The place is run by a bunch of Christians and they actually play Christian music and pray before dancing. The instructor was rude, but the other dancers were nice and I haven't had so much fun since I don't know when.
Saturday we tried to robber proof our place as much as possible and then followed it up with a PJ party at a friends house. Again, quite fun (and I have pictures to prove it).
Then today had breakfast with friends, and had an interesting lunch followed by watching Fight Club. Which I am actually still trying to figure out if I liked or not... It was insane, but cool. Sorry for lack of words.
Now I am a little depressed because it's Sunday, which means work tomorrow, but hey at least I had an awesome (and odd) weekend.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

So many blind dates, I deserve one of those dogs...

Numerous people in recent days have been trying to set me up. I don't get it. It is as if I have "Single. Miserable. Loser. Unable to find her own date, so please set me up with anyone" tattooed on my forehead. Not sure if all that could actually fit there.... It is just as if they find me to be in need of a boyfriend, who knows why, and they end up setting me up with guys that just are not for me. Or perhaps, they know something I don't. Maybe there is a lesson here. Something that I am suppose to learn from all this setting up. Could it be revenge for all the times I tried to do it to my friends in the past? Or is it something completely different?
This elderly couple came into our office today and it kind of hit me. Not really now, but at some point I want to find my Mr. Right. I want to fall in love and spend forever with him. Although I think it is just that that scares the crap out of me. With divorce being so rampant and occurring to couples like my parents that seemed to be so perfect, forever doesn't seem possible. Then in getting myself all scared about the future I realize the whole thing takes faith. Faith in something bigger than me, bigger than my dreams and bigger than society's expectations.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Let them eat bread

Someone once said that that life is not about finding yourself, but creating yourself. I'm not sure if I agree with this. Granted, we all have to create the person we want to be, but I think there are just some things about ourselves we can't change and so in that aspect, we are finding ourselves.
Here is what I DO know: (random facts about me that make me...well me)

- I LOVE books. I don't think I can emphasis love enough. I could spend all day in Barnes and Noble and not be bored. In fact many times people beg me to leave hours before I am ready.

-I love bread. I think it is in fact one of my weaknesses. But if I could only eat one food, this would be it. (or maybe cake.... toss up)

- I love to travel. Even though I get sick almost every time I travel, I still have fun. I like seeing new places and experiencing new things. In fact, every place I go to now I always come up with a list on why or why not I would move there... so far the list of places I HAVE to live include: DC, NYC and England.

- At times I feel I am OCD or at least annal about things. (Hold back laughter please). I have to have order and neatness. As most of you can attest to.

- I hate when people break promises. I know it is going to happen at some point, but there comes a point when it happens so frequently that I just can't trust people... and I don't think it should ever come to that point.

-I hate when people don't think for themselves. Yes we need advice from, but we need to have our own opinions on things as well!!

- I am obsessed with music. I wish that my life had a soundtrack. It would include songs like: (Suddenly I see by KT Tunstall, Learning to fly by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bittersweet symphony by The Verve and To love again by KACI)

- I love movies and perhaps watch too many of them.

- I hate cheesy romance. In the movies it CAN be ok, but in real life...I don't know maybe it just seems to fake.

- I wish more people were honest with me. If your friends won't tell you the truth, who will? And yes sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it needs to be heard.

- I love the feeling I get after going to church on Sundays. Why I don't go anymore still bewilders me though.

- I'm not where I want to be in life. I don't know what exactly I want to be, I just know that I'm not happy with where I am and who I am. I guess it is just because I still have more growing up and living to do.

- I love reorganizing and redecorating things. Usually I do this when I am bored or depressed.

- I wish there was a song out there about a girl named Kellie (or Kelly, w/e). It doesn't have to be about me, I just want a song that I can sing along with and pretend it was about me.

- I wish that like in the end of TV shows (or Gilmore Girls to be more exact) the end of every night was concluded with witty remarks and bonding.... followed by the camera panning out and the music cutting in while the voices faded and somehow you knew that everything was going to be ok (at least for the moment).

- And I wish that work was more enjoyable than a chore.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

that's what I call a good night

So, I must say tonight was better than I thought it would be (and there are 3 albums on facebook to prove it, although there would be more if I hadn't of run out of batteries).
- where the wedding was, there was also a gay pride even going on.... a lot more traffic, but I also saw my first real live drag queen. Don't ask why that interested me so much, I don't know. lol
- the wedding was beautiful. But hot, the castle had no AC
- the reception was fun and reminded me of how much i LOVE my friends
- i got a little crazy, but had so much fun. I only wish I had written down quotes, so many funny ones were said!!!
- followed the reception with going to Freebird. got double xed again, but it was fun. And I know realize I misjudged a friend. She's so much of a better friend than I could have ever dreamed of!

-- Plus I wasn't socially awkward as some (including myself) have believed in the past. Meeting new people can be fun. And it helps when wearing a new dress and feeling pretty for once....

Here a few pics to explain the fun and madness of the night!

Friday, August 3, 2007

Carly Simon should write a song about me

There is a definite line between love and hate. I don’t know what it is but it seems as if everything that I honestly love now I once hated with a passion. Perhaps it is that my taste in things have changed, or maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s because the things that you really grow to love in life you don’t always love right away. Those things seems to be fleeting. But the things you love forever and more deeply as time goes on are things that take awhile to develop. Not to quote a horribly cheesy movie (although it does make a point) but maybe love does come softly.
I know this sounds odd, or as if something extraordinary in my love life has occurred, I am actually talking about my questionable love for Marie Antoinette, the movie. I know this sounds shallow, but whatever I have my moments. In fact to prove my strangeness, I am currently listening to the soundtrack, which I bought while running errands for work. I’m debating on whether I should take it back to Blockbuster or not……. Any suggestions. lol

Other than that... new things in my life:
- I created a Last Will, Living Will and other Advance Directives today at work. We signed the papers and everything... I feel old now.
- I bought so many things that I shouldn't have. Including: a dress for the wedding tomorrow (but a few alterations need to be made) but I love it. The only thing is that now I need shoes to go with it... isn't that always how it s for us girls. First the dress, then we need new shoes, then we don't have a purse to go with it, then we need a sweater... and then we are broke. Luckily I only need flip flops and then that's it. Although I did buy a new wallet (bright orange...hmmm) and hang bag (dark brown). And while many may find this odd, I also bought a red flask. My purposes for this aren't what they seem and in fact I'm still wondering what I was thinking..but I believe it has more to do with an inside joke with my Mom than anything.

So there's my being shallow and completely vain .

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

rainy days

For some reason I love the rain. Of course, when it's raining in the morning I hate it. It's then that it makes me look like a complete disaster and people forget how to drive. But coming home tonight, I liked it. I think I love the noise and how it usually puts me to sleep at night. That and it makes me feel ok to be lazy. If I don't want to go out, I can use the rain as an excuse to stay in and watch movies or read and be anti-social.

When life is good, enjoy it but when life is hard, remember God gives good days and hard days and no one knows what tomorrow will bring. Ecclesiastes (sp) 7:14.

I must say that yesterday was an incredible day (and not spoken positively). It was one of those days where nothing went right from the start. But so far this morning has made up for it. Of course I woke up late (seems to be a common thing these days). But then I got Starbucks. Somehow that makes things so much better.... maybe the caffeine?? Plus I actually like how I look today, I think the artistic side of me came out. Anyway, I guess I'm just providing evidence that the Bible verse previously stated is in fact true.

While I'm looking forward to what this weekend has in store for me, I must say that I'm afraid it won't hold up to my expectations. I know that sounds like a major downer... but I just am in need of some fun and adventure and I suppose that I am worried that this weekend will not be what I thought it was going to be. Why can't I have just one day to be wild and crazy--- say what I want, do what I want and not care about people's reactions or even what the consequences might be?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

july 24th

Today he would have been 56.

Funny how things change.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

my many loves

Jesus. John 3: 16; Galatians 2:20

Under the Tuscan Sun. I love this movie. Whenever I'm upset or pissed about my current relationship status, I usually watch this. I only wish someone would make a feel good, getting over past relationships movie that didn't include finding a new love at the end.
Pride and Prejudice. One of may favorite movies and books of all time. I think that it's because Mr. Darcy = the perfect man.
Orlando Bloom. Seriously, could there be a better looking man???

Mae- The Everglow CD. No matter what my mood is, this cd seems to fit it, whether I'm sad, happy, pissed, whatever. It's the only cd I know of that can do that. Plus, they write the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. If you haven't heard them, you need to. Carey Grant. Is there really anything else to say about him? OK, well he's British, handsome and I think one of the greatest actors that's ever lived. Albert Einstein. I wish that I had gotten the chance to meet him. He was intelligent, spiritual and seemed to be one of the nicest people. In some ways I wish I was more like him. The Beatles. When I was little, my mom use to sing me to sleep with their song "All My Lovin". I've loved them ever since. And in recently watching movies about them or with them, I must say my love for them (and Paul) has grown. I wish bands still made music like this! Grace Kelly. If I could be any celebrity from the past or present, it would be her. She lived almost every girl's dream. First a successful actress and then fell in love with a prince. Not to mention she was beautiful. To bad the only things we have in common are a name and the blond hair..... Starbucks coffee!!!!!! This is one of the few things that gets me going in the morning and makes work bearable. I also am a firm believer in Starbucks curing all moods. No joke, whether I am sad, angry, tired, whatever, a drink from Sbuck will cure it! My fave. drink is the ducle de leche which is sadly gone....
Ok, so I know that it is a corny 80's movie, but for me its a feel good movie. Not sure exactly why, but perhaps in watching it, it gives me hope that there is a boy out there like Blaine.....
The Berlin flag. I think that Berlin is one of my favorite cities in the entire world, mostly due to the history I'm sure. Maybe one day I'll get to go back....and in time for the Love Parade!!!
New York City. I first went there only for a day and fell in love with it. Then I went back to spend New Years Eve there. It's one of the cities I hope to live in one day. If only I was rich enough!
London. Another one of my favorite cities that I hope to one day live in or near. Again, I think it may be the history, or the fact that Prince William is there, or maybe how beautiful it is....or the history. Perhaps it's a combo.