Friday, December 26, 2008
I guess when you live in Florida, the only kind of Christmas you'll ever have is warm one...
This Christmas was so completely different from any kind I've ever had before. And it was wonderful. One of the best I've had in a while actually. And for once, I didn't miss my dad so much I ended up crying myself to sleep. It's only taken 7 years, but I finally am healing... :)
Christmas eve my parents and I went to service a church in Riverside that some of our co-workers go to. The message was bland. The music was very traditional. And the people, somewhat friendly. The church though was beautiful. In fact, I think it's one of the prettiest churches I've ever been in.
Christmas day I had church service, just me and a bunch of homeless (with a few other CRM volunteers) under a dirty tent in downtown Jax. Just me, no friends or family. And it was an amazing Christmas service. I loved every minute of it and I felt at ease and peace. I think now I finally understand Jesus and his love for spending time with the less fortunate rather than the rich. If I had to choose which service was my favorite, which people were the friendliest, which place of worship was the most beautiful, hands down it would be the latter. Nothing was so beautiful as to see so many people, all of different types and ages coming down to sit together and worship The Savior in a less than traditional church.
God really blessed me this Christmas and opened my eyes to so many things. I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas too. God bless.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Oh, and I am also on the hunt for a Christmas party cocktail dress for Friday.
I figured that once classes were over for the semester I’d have so much more free time on my hands, but I guess I was wrong.
Last night was our firm Christmas party/dinner. It’s funny how working with people for over 2 years makes you into some kind of little family. As we all stood around the table, holding hands about to say grace, I realized how much I have overlooked. I keep myself so busy I haven’t taken the time to notice the small things that make life so meaningful and beautiful. White sparkling lights on the Christmas tree. Starbucks hot chai tea with vanilla lattes. The smell of cinnamon. Music, from Peggy Lee to Jason Miraz to Ben Folds. Finding new favorite music. Christmas classics like White Christmas. Friends, new and old. Driving with the windows down and the sunroof open while listening to Mae. Dinner with wonderful friends revisiting wonderful memories and adventures.
Monday, December 1, 2008
So here is what I am thankful for this season:
A camera to play around with when I was bored in the car.
I am so blessed that I have two places to call home. (Pensacola and S. FLA).
Perhaps thats why I haven't really been able to make JAX my home. I don't feel that I can be myself and be loved for who I am, with mess ups and all. Luckily I was able to bring people with me from S.FLA, but when they are gone for the holidays, I fear I will be lonely again. :(
But here is to now. To knowing I am blessed. To having loved ones in my life, whether they be in the next room, or a few hundred miles away....
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So I have to admit that Barak Obama was not the candidate I was hoping would win, but surprisingly enough he did. What is even more surprising is that last night when the votes came in and the winner was announced, I was excited. True I felt bad for McCain, I think he could have done some wondeerful things for our country and I see him as one of the most patriotic people in this nation, but what an incredible thing. The most unlikely candidate won. A man who didn't come from a wealthy family, who's skin color has made many not like him, and who I never thought would win, is our new President.
After watching his acceptance speech (and McCain's concession speech) I was close to tears. Here were two amazing choices for President and while one had to lose, they both had the most amazing words to say. I've never been so appreciative to see history coming alive. It was a historic moment and this is going to be an amazing ride (or so I hope).
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
My mom is one of my favorite people in the entire world, I must admit.
I honestly don't know what I would do without her. The past few years we've gotten extremely close, probably because I'm now an adult and we can now be more like friends. In fact, I consider her one of my best friends.
She's one of the sweetest and strongest people I know. She's gone through so much and lost so many loved ones, but she continues on, head high. She works harder than anyone I know.She still knows how to have fun and act young (something I'm not that good at). She's always there for me, whether I ask her to be or not. She constantly goes out of her way for me. She knows me backwards and forwards. She loves me, the big mess up that I am. She tries to cheer me up when I'm down. She knows just what to say to make me feel better and turn my crappy day around. She's constantly telling me how much she loves me and how lucky she is to have me as her daughter. No one person (minus of course Jesus Christ) as sacrificed so much for me as she has. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to make my life better
Of course, we have our moments, our fights and our headbutts, but I could not have asked for a better person to be my mother. As corny as this may all sound, it's the truth. She means so much to me and has been there for me, never judging me or pushing me into anything. She's let me become the person I am, she raised me to be the person I am and I thank God for her everyday.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
This week and this past weekend have been crazy. So much running around.
My computer crashed.
Photoshoot at JU and trying to edit pictures.
Football game tonight. And practices like crazy.
Jaguars football game this past Sunday. We lost, but Leigh and I still had fun.
Work work work.
Dropped my field class, no more interning.
Netflix movies :) (one month free)
Homework (or avoiding homework)
Classes galore, although most of them were canceled for this week. No clue as to why.
Midterms are here.
Sometimes I really wish I could be a hippie. But I think I like my showers too much. And my bed.
Today is so far beautiful, but I am stuck inside with a headache. I also have a ton of homework I should be doing, but am avoiding at all costs. Then our football game tonight.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday I started interning at a new elementary school. I'm in a third grade class for math and science (my worst subjects). Should be an interesting semester. Then we had our first flag football game. We lost....horribly, but at least we had fun. My parents even suprised me and showed up for the game. I have to say, I don't think I've ever been so happy to see them.
Yesterday the girls and I went tubing near Gainesville. It was the most beautiful day and even the drive made me happy. However, the mosquitos attacked viciously and left their 23 marks on me to remind me.
Then today Leigh and I went to Orlando to Universal. So much fun. I love roommate bonding time. And then we rushed home to make football practice.
Things have been crazy and I barely get ANY sleep anymore. But I suppose that it's worth it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
So it strikes me as odd that here I am, 21 with my own home and I'm grown up and wishing to run away. It is as if everyday I come home from my long day of work and or school and think about packing my things and just hitting the road.
More than anything, I wish I could be like Donald Miller (in his book Through Painted Deserts, read it if you haven't) and just jump in a van with a buddy, packing only the essential items, and some cash to make it through and then take off.
No destination in mind.
No course in mind.
Just a goal--- to get away and see for myself our country and the people in it. But mostly, I just want to get away from the miseries of everyday life. Not just bills, homework and nagging people all around me, but to escape what my life has become. What I have somehow let it become. In trying to find my place in this world, I have made myself so busy that I have lost contact with what I want. I feel as if I can dream, but then I must come back to reality almost right away to fulfil the duty of an exam or planning a lesson. I just want to be rid of it all. Rid of the guilt. The pain. The bad memories. The loneliness.
I just want to be a hippie for a little while and travel to destinations unknown. I want to make my dream, my silly fantasy a reality, leaving everything behind, not caring what it is when I return (should I return).
My whole life people have just walked out, most of which without any sort of reason. I just wasn't enough anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I''m sick of not being enough. I'm tired of being no one's top five. I'm so frustrated with being left out, ignored, pushed aside.... I just want to get away and be with only me and God. I want to throw my phone in a lake, grab my ipod, bible, books for reading, a journal, my camera, a few clothes and just leave-- not worrying about where I am headed or what I am leaving behind.
I just want to go.
If only it weren't just a fantasy.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The sun was finally out again. The sky was incredibly blue.
I think it's what I would call the perfect day (weather wise of course).
I cannot stop listening to indie music lately. And so far I have added a few more artists to my music selection:
Yeah yeah yeahs -- Fever to Tell
The Hush Sound -- Goodbye Blues
Paramore -- Crushcrushcrush
Rilo Kiley-- Under the Blacklight
And now is the inevitable time for homework, after a quick bike ride, which in Jacksonville at night is not always the best idea.... but hey life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all (Helen Keller).
Monday, July 28, 2008
"her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..
She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, '
Cause every time I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone."
---the song lyrics and the video kind of align with how I've been feeling. But the truth is, I know I'm not the only one feeling like that. And I know that I am more than this.
With Him all things are possible. (Philippians 4:13)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
-- I want to:
~take more pictures. Of course this means I need a new digital camera. I'm a little worried about the cost and that I'll pick the wrong one, but I've been wanting one for awhile, so I think it's time I splurged.
~not worry so much. Roll with the punches. Just take things as they come.
~be more girly in my attire and take the time to make myself feel better by dressing better
~be optimistic. This one will be the most difficult. It will mean going against how I've been for half of my life. But I think it's finally time this old dog learns new tricks.
~belt out a song everyday. Jsust to get myself smiling and have some fun. And should a dance join in, all the better.
~do more scrapbooking. It seems I am only in the mood while at work and unable to. But I want to do it more. I want to be more creative and finally get caught up.
~learn to love myself and being just with myself.
~grow in my relationship with God.
~try new things (and often).
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Maybe I do have a shoulder to cry on, a couple actually. And what's even better than having people who listen and care, is that I have friends and loved ones that can make me laugh, even when I don't want to.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone, because in the moments when I needed someone, the ones I care for the most came through for me. And for that, I am forever grateful.
So often I agree with him. It is better to have the memories and know that someone was once capable of loving you so much than to never even have the opportunity.
But on days like today I struggle with agreeing. On days like today even looking back on sweet memories is painful and heart wrenching. And what's worse is there is no one to dry my tears, no one to provide me with a shoulder. No one to share in stories about how wonderful my dad was, or how much he loved me. Because even though I lost him, I still was for a short while able to see how much someone could love me. And while it is nice to know that at least there was one person out there that could love me so much, what I'm feeling now is pain.
With each father and daughter pair that have passed me today, it feels as if a mack truck ran me down and there is no one to pick me up and hold me, whispering that it will all be ok. That one day I won't hurt so much. That one day I will be with him again. Or even more importantly, there is no one there to just hold me, saying nothing at all, but just letting me know that they too love me and even though my dad is no longer here to take care of me and love me, they do and they want to help me get through it all.
Estrella- by brave saint saturn:
i write clever words on paper i sometimes think i dont belive at all ive never felt so fake so false im such a liar i couldnt even look him in the eyes he was 25 like i was but he was deaf and slowly going blind he made my faith seem worthless the things i hoped were pointless and he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah It made me feel so empty collapsing on some dirty bathroom floor and isn't it just like me to warn his passing breath when he will never suffer anymore beautiful his pictures fading black and silver and i sing of faith but his was true and fierce and i will miss him the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah
Monday, June 9, 2008
Certain people can give no more. Some people will try no more. And I can be this no more.
Maybe she was right. And maybe I knew it all along, I just ran from the truth because I was afraid it would hurt too much to accept it. But now I am in it all alone. For once though, I'm not scared. I can make it through all this on my own. I've gotten through worse, I've lost more.
My downfall was thinking it was me that was the strong one, when in reality it was just that God was my strength.
It's funny the power words have over us. Even one sweet text message can brighten your day, but one rude and thoughtless one can send you to bed crying. I just wish we all took more time to be loving to each other, building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Where does that even get us? I'm tired of all of us judging each other when we should criticize our own mistakes first. I'm sick of being let down by others because I made them my number one, when I should have kept that spot open for only Him.
I've learned a lot in the past few months and while I may not fully know who I am, I love finding it out. Because if Sex and the City has taught us anything (anything not shallow that is) it's that the most important relationship one can have is with themselves and if someone else just happens to come along and love us as well, then thats fabulous.
And yes, I know I messed it up-- but true fans should get the point.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
and all that is within.
I give You my dreams
for the promise of a new life."
It has been so long since I last went to church. And even longer since I went without having a panic attack beforehand. But after going home last weekend I realized the only thing I wanted to do this Sunday morning was to go to church. So Leigh and I woke up and went. I didn't panic, I wasn't awkward in meeting new people and the message was EXACTLY what I had needed to hear. It was a God thing.
Last weekend I felt I needed an escape from my life. Too much was going wrong and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. My only option it seemed was to leave-- to run away to something, somewhere familiar. To people that I knew loved me.
What ended up happening was that I ran straight to God. Maybe some won't understand this. It does seem a little odd but when I am right with God I feel I am home.
We all have pasts that we struggle with, inner demons to overcome. In that respect I am just like everyone else in this world. But once I got involved with the church (not the place, but meaning with fellow Christians) my relationship with Christ grew. Soon, I had a strong relationship with my Savior and because of that I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. But of course, then I moved to college and all that slowly slipped away. When my relationship with Christ faded, who I was began to fade as well. My self-esteem took a hit and I have tried in every other way to put it back again. I think it is finally now, after having run away to home I can clearly see how to fix it all. The answer is simple. It's God.
I didn't expect to run to Him. Granted, I never completely lost my relationship with Him, but I had agonized over getting involved with church again and a relationship with Him meant I had to go back. I love Jesus Christ and I believe Him to be my Savior, but like Gandhi it was the other Christians that kept me away.
I don't know why things changed this past week. Perhaps because my birthday is tomorrow and I realized I am growing up and need a change. Or maybe it is because I have been so miserable with life-- I have felt so alone and hurt by so many that I finally decided to work on the relationships that give back. God is one of those. No matter where I have been in life, He has always been right by my side, celebrating the wonderful moments like graduating high school or making the deans list, to crying with my during the sad moments, like my dad's death or the break ups with guys. He never said this life would be easy, He knew it wouldn't be, but what He did promise was that no matter what happened as long as we kept the faith and continued believing in Him that He would go through it with us.
The sermon today was about the church.
The pastor made a few really amazing points on it that I needed to hear as well.
He said that it is easy to walk away from an organization and even a pastor, but it is not easy to walk away from Jesus. I got this, I related to this. I couldn't and didn't want to walk away from Christ, but I wanted to walk away from the religion factor. The man made religion that gives rules and is full of hypocrites. But now, I want to be apart of it again. I want it to be different this time. I want to have a relationship with Christ and from that make relationships with other people. I don't want to live like a hypocrite (although I guess it is a given at times) but I do want to be a different kind of Christian. One who doesn't look down on others, but is more like Jesus was in seeing past people's flaws and mistakes and loving them for who they are. WHO they are not WHAT they are.
After all, like the pastor said, the church is not come and see its go and do. (Or at least this is how it should be).
"i am desperate for You
i am lost without You."
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday was my last day interning at the elementary school I've been working at all semester. It was sad, I really did grow fond of the students and teachers. It was an amazing experience that taught me so much and I hated that I had to leave....
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Be strong and courageous. Don't tremble! Don't be afraid of them! The LORD your God is the one who is going with you. He won't abandon you or leave you."
So I finished my tattoo, finally. I know some don't see the point in tattoos or are completely against them, but I needed this permanent reminder on me that God is near and unlike the humans He created, He is not going anywhere.
Finals week is fast approaching. But I'm not stressed. But I do need an escape from the world, which I am luckily soon getting.
My birthday is in....... 12 days.
Monday, April 21, 2008
I am not sure who I have become, but she is a bitter jerk who seems to hurt everyone in her path (including those she loves the most).
So many have already left.
Why is it that I am continuing to push people away when I need them the most?
I feel like the real me is lost somewhere in this body screaming at the top of her lungs, asking her loved ones to stay, to keep trying, to forgive her. All she needs is time. She just needs time to figure things out and get her life back in order. But please, don't leave, don't walk away just yet.
If I have hurt you I am truly and sincerely sorry. It was never my intent.
If I passed you by I am so sorry for not noticing.
If I pushed you away I'm sorry I know now I should have pulled you closer.
I think what I am asking for is a second (or third, or fourth....) chance. You mean that much to me. I hope I mean that much to you as well.
I promise to try harder. I know what it is like to lose the ones I love and I don't want it to happen anymore.
But I suppose the choice is yours.
I will hold you dearly in my heart no matter what.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Due to recent developments, I don't think I will ever start; therefore, finish it. But here is the introduction. (And please, don't be too hard on my writing abilities, or lack there of).
Whoever disagrees with the fact that everything happens for a reason is in denial. It's difficult to explain how else a trip like ours could have worked out so perfectly. It is the only way in which to explain how in having a goal and randomly picking up a flyer could have changed my life.
Oddly enough though, it was indeed a flyer that threw off everything I knew and gave me more than I could have ever hoped for. I like to think that God had a hand in it. That he orchestrated the entire plan and what started out as a far fetched dream miraculously turned into the best trip I have ever taken as well as giving me some of the best friends I could have ever known.
How it happened, I still have yet to figure out, but that's not what matters. What matters most is that it did happen. Somehow a bunch of former outcasts all wound up on a plan to Europe together and created a lasting bond. The specifics may be a little vague, but it's the big picture that counts the most.
Somehow seven (?) people met and wormed their way into each other's hearts creating a group of friends from such different; yet, similar characteristics.
So here is the story of how the prom queen, the head cheerleader, the loner, the former fat kid, the star runner, the brainiac and the class clown all met and platonically (for some) fell in love and became the cornerstones in each other's lives.
It's nothing short of a miracle.
Oy, in rereading it, I can't believe I'm posting it...but here goes. We all need some laughs, eh?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I hate how much I trusted you (my fault) and how much you let me down in the end.
I hate that because of you I always feel like I am second place. I'm second best to everyone. Even with all this time having passed, even in current friendships and relationships....
I hate how low my self-confidence got because of you.
I hate how I let you do this to me.
I hate how right one of my friends is.... I am weak.
I hate that I don't know who I am here. I want so many things but all seem out of my grasp, or is that because I haven't quite tried hard enough?
I hate how alone I feel.
I hate being sad.
I hate that I keep messing things up with people that I really love.
I hate that you had a part in messing me up.
I hate that people I meet from now on out will only see parts of what I use to be.
I used to like who I was.
I hate that they will see me as a selfish, pathetic, cold hearted bitch, when that is not at all who I use to be. I don't know where that girl went. It's been several years now, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of her. She was someone my dad would be proud of. I'm not sure if he would be proud of this current person. This current person who is selfish, weak, a bad example of what a Christian is, of what a friend is, of what a girlfriend is....
I'm not really sure when I stopped hating you and just started hating myself......
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
How can you make the pain of their wanting to leave disappear?
It feels as if they are an arms reach away, but I can't think of what to do to bring them closer, to make it better. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I have tried so hard to make things better. I have given all of me to make it work- but is it ever enough? Am I ever enough?
You would think that eventually the pain would subside and perhaps you would just become numb to it all, but I haven't. In fact, the pain seems to have gotten worse. Maybe it's because I have put myself further out there and instead of a hug or affection, I have gotten all my faults thrown in my face instead.
I found this a few days ago. It's part of an essay I had to write for one of my English classes a couple years back.
Funny how true it really is.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
It's one of those weekends where nothing is going right. And what's even worse, I feel as if everyone is trying to find any way possible to get out of hanging out with me.
I need to find some way of getting myself out of this rut that I have trapped myself into.
I need to find some way of letting go.... even though I know to do so will kill me--at least feel like it.
I am just so fucking miserable and there is no one I can really turn to and talk to. I don't even want to talk, I just want someone to sit next to me so that I don't feel like I am alone in this. Because the pain hurts so much more when you're by yourself.