I guess I was a little too quick to judge.
Maybe I do have a shoulder to cry on, a couple actually. And what's even better than having people who listen and care, is that I have friends and loved ones that can make me laugh, even when I don't want to.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone, because in the moments when I needed someone, the ones I care for the most came through for me. And for that, I am forever grateful.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
father's day
I've always wondered if the person who coined the term "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" lost his love or never found it.
So often I agree with him. It is better to have the memories and know that someone was once capable of loving you so much than to never even have the opportunity.
But on days like today I struggle with agreeing. On days like today even looking back on sweet memories is painful and heart wrenching. And what's worse is there is no one to dry my tears, no one to provide me with a shoulder. No one to share in stories about how wonderful my dad was, or how much he loved me. Because even though I lost him, I still was for a short while able to see how much someone could love me. And while it is nice to know that at least there was one person out there that could love me so much, what I'm feeling now is pain.
With each father and daughter pair that have passed me today, it feels as if a mack truck ran me down and there is no one to pick me up and hold me, whispering that it will all be ok. That one day I won't hurt so much. That one day I will be with him again. Or even more importantly, there is no one there to just hold me, saying nothing at all, but just letting me know that they too love me and even though my dad is no longer here to take care of me and love me, they do and they want to help me get through it all.
Estrella- by brave saint saturn:
i write clever words on paper i sometimes think i dont belive at all ive never felt so fake so false im such a liar i couldnt even look him in the eyes he was 25 like i was but he was deaf and slowly going blind he made my faith seem worthless the things i hoped were pointless and he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah It made me feel so empty collapsing on some dirty bathroom floor and isn't it just like me to warn his passing breath when he will never suffer anymore beautiful his pictures fading black and silver and i sing of faith but his was true and fierce and i will miss him the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah
So often I agree with him. It is better to have the memories and know that someone was once capable of loving you so much than to never even have the opportunity.
But on days like today I struggle with agreeing. On days like today even looking back on sweet memories is painful and heart wrenching. And what's worse is there is no one to dry my tears, no one to provide me with a shoulder. No one to share in stories about how wonderful my dad was, or how much he loved me. Because even though I lost him, I still was for a short while able to see how much someone could love me. And while it is nice to know that at least there was one person out there that could love me so much, what I'm feeling now is pain.
With each father and daughter pair that have passed me today, it feels as if a mack truck ran me down and there is no one to pick me up and hold me, whispering that it will all be ok. That one day I won't hurt so much. That one day I will be with him again. Or even more importantly, there is no one there to just hold me, saying nothing at all, but just letting me know that they too love me and even though my dad is no longer here to take care of me and love me, they do and they want to help me get through it all.
Estrella- by brave saint saturn:
i write clever words on paper i sometimes think i dont belive at all ive never felt so fake so false im such a liar i couldnt even look him in the eyes he was 25 like i was but he was deaf and slowly going blind he made my faith seem worthless the things i hoped were pointless and he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah It made me feel so empty collapsing on some dirty bathroom floor and isn't it just like me to warn his passing breath when he will never suffer anymore beautiful his pictures fading black and silver and i sing of faith but his was true and fierce and i will miss him the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah the angels wings will cover you tonight hallelujah press your head against the breast of christ hallelujah
Monday, June 9, 2008
I think I have finally realized that this is it.
Certain people can give no more. Some people will try no more. And I can be this no more.
Maybe she was right. And maybe I knew it all along, I just ran from the truth because I was afraid it would hurt too much to accept it. But now I am in it all alone. For once though, I'm not scared. I can make it through all this on my own. I've gotten through worse, I've lost more.
My downfall was thinking it was me that was the strong one, when in reality it was just that God was my strength.
It's funny the power words have over us. Even one sweet text message can brighten your day, but one rude and thoughtless one can send you to bed crying. I just wish we all took more time to be loving to each other, building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Where does that even get us? I'm tired of all of us judging each other when we should criticize our own mistakes first. I'm sick of being let down by others because I made them my number one, when I should have kept that spot open for only Him.
I've learned a lot in the past few months and while I may not fully know who I am, I love finding it out. Because if Sex and the City has taught us anything (anything not shallow that is) it's that the most important relationship one can have is with themselves and if someone else just happens to come along and love us as well, then thats fabulous.
And yes, I know I messed it up-- but true fans should get the point.
Certain people can give no more. Some people will try no more. And I can be this no more.
Maybe she was right. And maybe I knew it all along, I just ran from the truth because I was afraid it would hurt too much to accept it. But now I am in it all alone. For once though, I'm not scared. I can make it through all this on my own. I've gotten through worse, I've lost more.
My downfall was thinking it was me that was the strong one, when in reality it was just that God was my strength.
It's funny the power words have over us. Even one sweet text message can brighten your day, but one rude and thoughtless one can send you to bed crying. I just wish we all took more time to be loving to each other, building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Where does that even get us? I'm tired of all of us judging each other when we should criticize our own mistakes first. I'm sick of being let down by others because I made them my number one, when I should have kept that spot open for only Him.
I've learned a lot in the past few months and while I may not fully know who I am, I love finding it out. Because if Sex and the City has taught us anything (anything not shallow that is) it's that the most important relationship one can have is with themselves and if someone else just happens to come along and love us as well, then thats fabulous.
And yes, I know I messed it up-- but true fans should get the point.
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