Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I don't like hating. Especially people. But right now, all I can do is hate you.

I hate how much I trusted you (my fault) and how much you let me down in the end.
I hate that because of you I always feel like I am second place. I'm second best to everyone. Even with all this time having passed, even in current friendships and relationships....
I hate how low my self-confidence got because of you.
I hate how I let you do this to me.

I hate how right one of my friends is.... I am weak.
I hate that I don't know who I am here. I want so many things but all seem out of my grasp, or is that because I haven't quite tried hard enough?
I hate how alone I feel.
I hate being sad.
I hate that I keep messing things up with people that I really love.
I hate that you had a part in messing me up.

I hate that people I meet from now on out will only see parts of what I use to be.
I used to like who I was.
I hate that they will see me as a selfish, pathetic, cold hearted bitch, when that is not at all who I use to be. I don't know where that girl went. It's been several years now, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of her. She was someone my dad would be proud of. I'm not sure if he would be proud of this current person. This current person who is selfish, weak, a bad example of what a Christian is, of what a friend is, of what a girlfriend is....

I'm not really sure when I stopped hating you and just started hating myself......


this is my sundown said...

I'm sorry you feel those things, I can relate to a lot of them. Don't think you have nothing to be proud of though. None of us are the same as we were, but you are still a great person. if you want to talk, hit me up!

a dance toward God said...

I can definantly realte to this too. Expecially the part about someone new seeing only this present version of you, that you feel isn't the best.

Maybe it's time for real changes. Not outside stuff, but inside.