Since I was six years old, I have had my life planned out for myself. I knew what I wanted in life and I got through every obstacle, because I saw the bigger picture, I saw where I wanted to be in life and I had to push myself through all the crap in order to get there. It was perhaps one of my only saving graces. But now-- now I'm so confused. I question myself and every action or decision I make. I don't know what I want anymore, and therefore I can't push past this.
I'm happy with my life, I am. I have the most amazing friends I could ask for. True friends that love me despite how stupid and horrible I can sometimes be. I have a wonderful mom who has sacrificed so much for me. Who would go through hell and back if it meant sparing me from pain. I have God, without whom there is no way I could wake up in the morning. I have material things that I love perhaps too much. And a million other things that I won't ramble on about. But I lack in motivation. I lack in inspiration. And most of all, I lack in knowing where I am going.
This is I suppose what college is all about. This is the time of your life when you become independent. When you find out who you are in life and what you can do to better yourself and the world around you. And I suppose in that aspect, I love the not knowing. I love discovering new weird stuff I do (like that I say interesting a lot, or that I have to let myself dwell in sadness to figure out what is wrong with me so I can work through it). But I don't like that the plan I had for myself is gone. That I wonder not only if I want to be a teacher, but if I am cut out to be one. I know we shouldn't dwell on the what ifs of life- but in this case it is hard. Some have told me to swtich majors-- but to what? I've never wanted to do anything else. Some have said take a break. But would I ever come back? And not only that, but what would I do with my life? I want to travel. To find myself and figure out this world a little more before I go out into it. But alas, I am stuck.
Whatever it is in life that I am meant to accomplish and achieve, I have to find out from my home base. And I suppose I am ok with that, it is just that I want to be sure of what I am doing. I want to know that this is where I am suppose to be in life and that I am going down the correct path, and then I can continue going or look for an alternative route.
1 comment:
I agree with the motivation thing 100%. I don't have much either right now. I've been doing a lot of thinking on the finding yourself subject lately and so far I've come up with this. Finding out who you are is a process that lasts until death. What really matters in the end is looking back from heaven and seeing who we were and what we did for Him with the time that was given us. I just wish I had more motivation in that area.
but you'll be a great teacher, don't worry about that!
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