Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I love traditions. I think it's mainly because I am a creature of habit. There are few times I like and accept change, for the most part I like things to stay the way they are. Perhaps this is partly why I am dreading this break.
I cannot even remember the last time I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. Ever since I was in the 3rd grade I have been with family for this day. It started when I was in the 3rd grade and my grandmother died on Thanksgiving. And ever since then my family decided we needed to get together every year and since my Uncle (who was a pastor) couldn't get away for Christmas, we celebrated Thanksgiving together. We would rotate where we met up, but every year we spent this weekend together, stuffing our faces, shopping and roasting marshmallows by the fire. Then in middle school my parents split up. That was the first year I spent both with my Dad's family in Alabama (as usual) and then also with my Mom and our family made up of friends I grew up with in Pensacola. Then, after my Dad died, my Mom and I went to Pensacola every year to spend Thanksgiving. Mainly because holidays needed a special touch to them. I guess (not to sound all depressing) after my Dad died, holidays didn't mean as much. I stopped talking to my Dad's side of the family and it was only me and my Mom, even on the holidays, so we needed to somehow make these occasions mean something more.
But this year, we're staying in Jax. Granted, my aunt is coming into town, so at least that. But still, no tradition. No Pensacola. No friends that are more like family. And then of course, no family. I think I'm a little heartbroken by this (especially since everyone is leaving to go home) but mainly because I don't know where home is for me. I don't know where I belong. I thought home was now Jax, but now I'm not sure. I feel like I just wander, with no real home, no real place to call my own.
However, I suppose to I need to put all this aside as best I can and try to be thankful for what I do have. Because what I do have are amazing friends that love me despite my flaws. I have an awesome Mom who's one of my best friends. I have a big, soft bed that I will soon be finding comfort in. And most importantly, I have Thanksgiving food to look forward to. Actually, I guess most importantly I have God and I know that with Him I can make it through all this crap going on. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know if I just hang on and cling to Him, one day I will be on the other end of the long, darn tunnel.


jessica said...

You'll figure out the home thing in the next few years. Right now, you're in a transitional stage. I know I don't understand how hard it is, but everyone goes through some level of it in these years. Home is Mom for now, whever she is, she's your rock and makes everything better. Here's to joy found in routines and the thrill of being a drifter and the creativity of starting new traditions.

PS When I get back I'd really like for you to visit my church. There's this girl who reminds me of you so much. She's tall and slender and has great style, soft spoken at first and she just started her first year of teching in Jax. I think you guys would have a lot in common and she might help with all the school stuff we try and relate to. Think about it.

xoxo See you soon.

...on the brink of something beautiful said...

I would love to.