a bit of night skiing
a little bit chilly
the view from our condo
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
number one
I have always loved Christmas. I can’t ever remember it not being my absolute favorite holiday. What’s not to love? You get presents, food, candy, time with family, a week off from school (or a day from work) the smells are marvelous, the songs are cheery…. It is as if Christmas has the complete package.
But for the past couple of years Christmas just hasn’t been the same. I feel as if I have less Christmas joy and spirit. I’m sure most of it is what everyone else goes through. There’s the growing up factor (which includes Santa) then there is the fact that it seems repetitive, as if each year is a continuation from the previous, with the same songs and hassles. Of course, one must also not leave out the commercialization that comes with this glorious holiday. Instead of celebrating this day for what it is all about (the birth of the Savior, Jesus) it morphs into a day about buying and spending all the money you have on people you rarely ever speak to.
However, one real underlining reason as to why Christmas has lost its spark for me, is the loss of a loved one. Ever since losing my Dad, holidays haven’t been the same. It’s a strange feeling. You want to enjoy the season, but you are constantly bombarded with memories of when they were with you—and of how much better life seemed to be then. Whether it’s seeing Dads and their daughters Christmas shopping at the mall for Mom, or just going to church and singing Christmas carols, each time it feels as if my heart is breaking a little bit more.
Perhaps to most this sounds a bit melodramatic. I think it almost does to me as well…. I think my main problem has been that I have never really been able to talk about his death—or now that he’s gone I feel unable to talk about him at all. It may seem crazy, but it’s sadly true. The people that knew him live far away. My mom and sister don’t talk about it or him (or I fear to bring it up in because it seems to only upset them), and everyone else reacts so oddly to the subject. I feel as if I ever want to talk about him or his death to anyone they shut off—as if they don’t know how to handle me talking about a dead man, so they get quiet and pray that I quickly change the subject, when the truth is all I want to do is talk about him. I have gone six years without really doing so. Sure, I’ve brought up how he died or certain memories including him, but nothing of lasting conversation. And I hate that. Maybe it was my mistake not ever joining a support group, or something of that nature, to help me get by….. I’m glad that none of my friends have had to go through losing a parent, but I honestly just wish I could talk about him. But instead, I am left writing all of this down in a blog and sending it out into the internet world hoping that someone understands.
But does anyone understand?
After my parents became separated I started really getting to know my dad as a person—not just a parent. He and I became close and I considered him to be one of my best friends. We talked every night and I spent every Sunday for a year with him (which also helps to explain why Sundays can still be so hard for me). The thing is—he was number one in my life and I knew I was his. I never doubted his love for me, and I always knew that I was his number one person. I haven’t been anyone’s number one since, and I am scared that I never will be again.
For at least a month after he died I would call his home or cell phones just to hear his voice- perhaps a little pathetic, but this is me we are talking about.
It’s been six years and I still sometimes cry myself to sleep missing him. I had thought those feelings would subside by now. That all my grief would turn into fond memories and I’d miss him, but not this much—not like this. But my heart is still recovering.
Tonight all I could think about was the weekend of his death.
Thursday I hadn’t heard from him, but I let it go, thinking nothing of it. I would talk to him on Friday.
Friday I hung out with a friend of mine, and still had yet to hear from him. My friend told me not to worry, that she was sure he was fine. (But I knew it wasn’t.) And by the way, this is also why I HATE when people tell me that “everything will be ok” or “everything is fine” or whatever other variation. The truth is, you don’t know- so don’t assume. My mom, friend and I drove to his place after the movie that night. He didn’t answer the door, but his car was in its parking spot.
Saturday. I called him multiple times, never hearing anything.
Sunday. My dad didn’t pick me up from church like usual. I waited for him for over an hour, but he never came. Later I called my aunts to see if they knew anything. They told me they hadn’t heard from him and I could tell in their voices that they were worried, though they tried to hide it. By 11pm my mom decided to go check on him again. She made me pack my bags and go over to my best friend’s house to sleep over. The next day was the first day of high school and I needed to get ready for it. Although all I could think about was why my dad wasn’t there for me that day. We were suppose to have an end of the summer blow out, celebrating me going into high school.
I tried so hard to sleep that night. I was continuously tossing and turning though, picturing what might have happened to him. At 6 am on Monday, I heard a car door in my friend’s driveway. I knew it was my mom. And when my friend’s mom went outside to greet her and they stayed out there for what seemed like an eternity, I knew my worst fear had come true, yet I still wasn’t ready for it. When my mom walked in the door, her eyes were blood shot and swollen. She was trying so hard to put on a brave face to tell me the news. She sat me down at the kitchen table and then somehow found the words. “You’re dad is dead,” still haunt me. Dead. It’s such a harsh and straight to the point word.
I didn’t even cry when she told me. It felt like a nightmare and I was unable to comprehend what was racing throughout my head.
I spent my first week of high school in bed.
Later my mom told me more about that fateful night. She had called 911 before she left, so when she and my aunt arrived at my dad’s, the police and emt had already arrived and found him. When they checked his pockets, they found a note. At first, they thought it may have been a suicide note, but upon further inspection, they found that it was a note from me.
Every time I went to his place, I would leave notes all over his apartment, telling him thanks for lunch or thanks for hanging out with me, or reminding him that I thought he was the world’s greatest dad. I knew that he was sad and the little kid in me figured my notes would help him in some way. So it was one of those that he kept on him at all times, and it was one of those that he had on him that day.
I knew he loved me. And I know he knew I loved him. What hurts (besides the fact that I lost my number one) is that I never got to say goodbye. I don’t even remember our last conversation.
But for the past couple of years Christmas just hasn’t been the same. I feel as if I have less Christmas joy and spirit. I’m sure most of it is what everyone else goes through. There’s the growing up factor (which includes Santa) then there is the fact that it seems repetitive, as if each year is a continuation from the previous, with the same songs and hassles. Of course, one must also not leave out the commercialization that comes with this glorious holiday. Instead of celebrating this day for what it is all about (the birth of the Savior, Jesus) it morphs into a day about buying and spending all the money you have on people you rarely ever speak to.
However, one real underlining reason as to why Christmas has lost its spark for me, is the loss of a loved one. Ever since losing my Dad, holidays haven’t been the same. It’s a strange feeling. You want to enjoy the season, but you are constantly bombarded with memories of when they were with you—and of how much better life seemed to be then. Whether it’s seeing Dads and their daughters Christmas shopping at the mall for Mom, or just going to church and singing Christmas carols, each time it feels as if my heart is breaking a little bit more.
Perhaps to most this sounds a bit melodramatic. I think it almost does to me as well…. I think my main problem has been that I have never really been able to talk about his death—or now that he’s gone I feel unable to talk about him at all. It may seem crazy, but it’s sadly true. The people that knew him live far away. My mom and sister don’t talk about it or him (or I fear to bring it up in because it seems to only upset them), and everyone else reacts so oddly to the subject. I feel as if I ever want to talk about him or his death to anyone they shut off—as if they don’t know how to handle me talking about a dead man, so they get quiet and pray that I quickly change the subject, when the truth is all I want to do is talk about him. I have gone six years without really doing so. Sure, I’ve brought up how he died or certain memories including him, but nothing of lasting conversation. And I hate that. Maybe it was my mistake not ever joining a support group, or something of that nature, to help me get by….. I’m glad that none of my friends have had to go through losing a parent, but I honestly just wish I could talk about him. But instead, I am left writing all of this down in a blog and sending it out into the internet world hoping that someone understands.
But does anyone understand?
After my parents became separated I started really getting to know my dad as a person—not just a parent. He and I became close and I considered him to be one of my best friends. We talked every night and I spent every Sunday for a year with him (which also helps to explain why Sundays can still be so hard for me). The thing is—he was number one in my life and I knew I was his. I never doubted his love for me, and I always knew that I was his number one person. I haven’t been anyone’s number one since, and I am scared that I never will be again.
For at least a month after he died I would call his home or cell phones just to hear his voice- perhaps a little pathetic, but this is me we are talking about.
It’s been six years and I still sometimes cry myself to sleep missing him. I had thought those feelings would subside by now. That all my grief would turn into fond memories and I’d miss him, but not this much—not like this. But my heart is still recovering.
Tonight all I could think about was the weekend of his death.
Thursday I hadn’t heard from him, but I let it go, thinking nothing of it. I would talk to him on Friday.
Friday I hung out with a friend of mine, and still had yet to hear from him. My friend told me not to worry, that she was sure he was fine. (But I knew it wasn’t.) And by the way, this is also why I HATE when people tell me that “everything will be ok” or “everything is fine” or whatever other variation. The truth is, you don’t know- so don’t assume. My mom, friend and I drove to his place after the movie that night. He didn’t answer the door, but his car was in its parking spot.
Saturday. I called him multiple times, never hearing anything.
Sunday. My dad didn’t pick me up from church like usual. I waited for him for over an hour, but he never came. Later I called my aunts to see if they knew anything. They told me they hadn’t heard from him and I could tell in their voices that they were worried, though they tried to hide it. By 11pm my mom decided to go check on him again. She made me pack my bags and go over to my best friend’s house to sleep over. The next day was the first day of high school and I needed to get ready for it. Although all I could think about was why my dad wasn’t there for me that day. We were suppose to have an end of the summer blow out, celebrating me going into high school.
I tried so hard to sleep that night. I was continuously tossing and turning though, picturing what might have happened to him. At 6 am on Monday, I heard a car door in my friend’s driveway. I knew it was my mom. And when my friend’s mom went outside to greet her and they stayed out there for what seemed like an eternity, I knew my worst fear had come true, yet I still wasn’t ready for it. When my mom walked in the door, her eyes were blood shot and swollen. She was trying so hard to put on a brave face to tell me the news. She sat me down at the kitchen table and then somehow found the words. “You’re dad is dead,” still haunt me. Dead. It’s such a harsh and straight to the point word.
I didn’t even cry when she told me. It felt like a nightmare and I was unable to comprehend what was racing throughout my head.
I spent my first week of high school in bed.
Later my mom told me more about that fateful night. She had called 911 before she left, so when she and my aunt arrived at my dad’s, the police and emt had already arrived and found him. When they checked his pockets, they found a note. At first, they thought it may have been a suicide note, but upon further inspection, they found that it was a note from me.
Every time I went to his place, I would leave notes all over his apartment, telling him thanks for lunch or thanks for hanging out with me, or reminding him that I thought he was the world’s greatest dad. I knew that he was sad and the little kid in me figured my notes would help him in some way. So it was one of those that he kept on him at all times, and it was one of those that he had on him that day.
I knew he loved me. And I know he knew I loved him. What hurts (besides the fact that I lost my number one) is that I never got to say goodbye. I don’t even remember our last conversation.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Life is short
Break the rules
(and get a tattoo!!) ha
Forgive quickly
Kiss slowly
(Sarah kissing her boyfriend before his band played)
Love truly
(like my nephew and niece)
Laugh uncontrollably
Never regret anything that made you smile.
(even if you look like a complete dork).
scrapbook madness
This is my attempt at being creative in scrapbooking. Granted it is no where near where I want to be, but it's better than it has been I guess (lol which says a lot). Maybe for Christmas Santa will bring me some creativity and originality!?!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
what has become of me?
I am a jerk. A complete and utter jerk.
I have tried to apologize, but let's be honest here....just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean the pain goes away and it doesn't make it all better. The damage has been done and there is nothing left to do, but feel as if you are the worst person/friend in the world. And that is how I feel.
The word sorry means nothing, for it can't change the past.
What's been done has been done and because of that I have let down one of the people I love most in this world. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Change me even. But I can't. The worst is knowing that I have been forgiven by the person I have hurt; yet I can't manage to forgive myself. How could I? I took away something that brought feelings of happiness, love and self-worth.
A million times over I am sorry. And you are a bigger and better person for loving me despite how I have acted and what I have done. I love you more than you know for that.
I have tried to apologize, but let's be honest here....just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean the pain goes away and it doesn't make it all better. The damage has been done and there is nothing left to do, but feel as if you are the worst person/friend in the world. And that is how I feel.
The word sorry means nothing, for it can't change the past.
What's been done has been done and because of that I have let down one of the people I love most in this world. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Change me even. But I can't. The worst is knowing that I have been forgiven by the person I have hurt; yet I can't manage to forgive myself. How could I? I took away something that brought feelings of happiness, love and self-worth.
A million times over I am sorry. And you are a bigger and better person for loving me despite how I have acted and what I have done. I love you more than you know for that.
Friday, December 14, 2007
my bucket list
A list of goals I made up in high school that I wanted to achieve. Things have been added, some things have been blown, but here is the list:
Things to do:
-go to a Goo Goo Dolls concert
-meet one of our Presidents
-drive a corvette
-fly like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-put a message in a bottle
-get a makeover
-protest something
-have the best/most diverse music collection
-skydive
-learn a foreign language
-write a devotion/sermon
-memorize/play a song on the piano
-scuba dive
-surf
-see a Broadway play
-see a kangaroo
-see a koala
-learn different dances
-go on a road trip
-join a sorority
-give an important speech
-help build a house
-write a book
- get married
-have a family
-swim with the dolphins
-learn about other religions
-learn about other cultures and countries
-throw a fancy dinner party
-read every Mary Higgins Clark book
-read every Agatha Christy book
-speak in tongues
-bring someone to Christ
-learn how to grill
-go windsurfing
-go sailing
-ride horseback on the beach
-learn a song on the guitar
-learn how to drive a stick shift
-dance on a table
-adopt a kid
-be a teacher
-snowboard
-sponsor a kid
- race a car
-get acupuncture
-go to a Coldplay concert
-see every Alfred Hitchcock movie
-learn to skateboard
-graduate college
-vote
-be an intern for a magazine
-sing at a karaoke bar
-go to the love parade
-be a donor
-crowd surf
-see a panda
-dance on the side of the road
-get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it instead of just thinking about it
-drive the autobahn
-kiss the blarney stone
-have a good passionate kiss in the rain (like in Breakfast at Tiffanys)
-ride on an elephant
- go on a safari
-ride a camel to the Pyramids, Egypt
-go off roading
-dance in the pouring rain
-be able to make a guy go weak in the knees with just a look
-have a group sing a long (like in My Best Friend's Wedding)
-pull an all nighter and see the sunrise
-find my mission in life
-go to/have a bonfire
-make my own list of what I think are the 100 most memorable movie quotes
-make out in an elevator
-learn how to fix a car
Places to go:
-the desert
-Omish county
-walk the Great Wall of China
-5 of the 7 continents (already have N. America and screw Antarctica)
-the 7 wonders of the Middle Ages
-the 7 wonders of the Ancient World
-the 7 wonders of Today
-the 7 Natural wonders
-all 50 states
-Key West
-Africa, Cuba, or Haiti for a mission trip
-Mexico for Cinco de Mayo
-live in DC
-live in NYC
-live in England
-visit the Holy Land
-Mardi Gras in New Orleans
How I want to change:
- not care what other people think of me
-help the less fortunate
-have a job that will change people's lives
-be nice to everyone
-stop worrying about the thngs I can do nothing about and work on the things I can do something about
-be independent
-be comfortable in my own skin
-get into shape
-never hold a grudge
-never run from problems
-learn how to take a compliment
What I've done so far:
-get a New Year's kiss
-get a kiss under the mistletoe
-graduate high school
-experience a sunrise
-ski
-ride a motorcycle
-go white water rafting
-go parasailing
-rock climb
-ride in a hot air balloon
-have a job before college
-go to college
-go camping
-donate blood
-read the entire Bible
-go kaiking
-fast
-go to a Mae concert
-go paint balling
-pull an amazing prank on someone
-go on a double date
-get a tattoo
-go to Prague
- go one a cruise
-go one a walk for a cause
-have a pen pal that I have never before met
-ride a jet ski
-experience a sunset (not just see it)
Things to do:
-go to a Goo Goo Dolls concert
-meet one of our Presidents
-drive a corvette
-fly like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-put a message in a bottle
-get a makeover
-protest something
-have the best/most diverse music collection
-skydive
-learn a foreign language
-write a devotion/sermon
-memorize/play a song on the piano
-scuba dive
-surf
-see a Broadway play
-see a kangaroo
-see a koala
-learn different dances
-go on a road trip
-join a sorority
-give an important speech
-help build a house
-write a book
- get married
-have a family
-swim with the dolphins
-learn about other religions
-learn about other cultures and countries
-throw a fancy dinner party
-read every Mary Higgins Clark book
-read every Agatha Christy book
-speak in tongues
-bring someone to Christ
-learn how to grill
-go windsurfing
-go sailing
-ride horseback on the beach
-learn a song on the guitar
-learn how to drive a stick shift
-dance on a table
-adopt a kid
-be a teacher
-snowboard
-sponsor a kid
- race a car
-get acupuncture
-go to a Coldplay concert
-see every Alfred Hitchcock movie
-learn to skateboard
-graduate college
-vote
-be an intern for a magazine
-sing at a karaoke bar
-go to the love parade
-be a donor
-crowd surf
-see a panda
-dance on the side of the road
-get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it instead of just thinking about it
-drive the autobahn
-kiss the blarney stone
-have a good passionate kiss in the rain (like in Breakfast at Tiffanys)
-ride on an elephant
- go on a safari
-ride a camel to the Pyramids, Egypt
-go off roading
-dance in the pouring rain
-be able to make a guy go weak in the knees with just a look
-have a group sing a long (like in My Best Friend's Wedding)
-pull an all nighter and see the sunrise
-find my mission in life
-go to/have a bonfire
-make my own list of what I think are the 100 most memorable movie quotes
-make out in an elevator
-learn how to fix a car
Places to go:
-the desert
-Omish county
-walk the Great Wall of China
-5 of the 7 continents (already have N. America and screw Antarctica)
-the 7 wonders of the Middle Ages
-the 7 wonders of the Ancient World
-the 7 wonders of Today
-the 7 Natural wonders
-all 50 states
-Key West
-Africa, Cuba, or Haiti for a mission trip
-Mexico for Cinco de Mayo
-live in DC
-live in NYC
-live in England
-visit the Holy Land
-Mardi Gras in New Orleans
How I want to change:
- not care what other people think of me
-help the less fortunate
-have a job that will change people's lives
-be nice to everyone
-stop worrying about the thngs I can do nothing about and work on the things I can do something about
-be independent
-be comfortable in my own skin
-get into shape
-never hold a grudge
-never run from problems
-learn how to take a compliment
What I've done so far:
-get a New Year's kiss
-get a kiss under the mistletoe
-graduate high school
-experience a sunrise
-ski
-ride a motorcycle
-go white water rafting
-go parasailing
-rock climb
-ride in a hot air balloon
-have a job before college
-go to college
-go camping
-donate blood
-read the entire Bible
-go kaiking
-fast
-go to a Mae concert
-go paint balling
-pull an amazing prank on someone
-go on a double date
-get a tattoo
-go to Prague
- go one a cruise
-go one a walk for a cause
-have a pen pal that I have never before met
-ride a jet ski
-experience a sunset (not just see it)
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Merry Christmas to myself
So Dani and I finally did it.... we got our tattoos. Another goal accomplished. Mine is a little small and plain, but I think I'm going to add more to it. I really want to add a Bible verse. I was thinking Deuteronomy 31:6. "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. "
Tonight, Leigh, my parents and I went to the Xmas concert at Crossroads. It has started to put me in the Christmas spirit. Although I can't believe it is around the corner.... But I am determined to make this one a good one. I want it to be more about my family and friends than about buying gifts. I want it to be more about Jesus than about me and what I want. Wednesday, December 5, 2007
lost in thought
"This Is The Countdown"
Mae
Are you getting tired?
I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire.
But I don’t wanna fight anymore,
I’ve had enough, of this town.
I can see the signs,
and I can read between the lines.
But I don’t know what we were fighting for,
I’m just trying, to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
You put your nets out,
but still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch the butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and
As seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
Should've known better than to listen.
When the dreams and the words started falling apart.
Should've known i would've hit the ground running.
Did you think that the night would posses us,
Take us over like the rain that’s falling down.
Did you notice when the clock stopped running.
Running…
This is the countdown;
You see our time is running out.
I tread to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fighting for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
Mae
Are you getting tired?
I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire.
But I don’t wanna fight anymore,
I’ve had enough, of this town.
I can see the signs,
and I can read between the lines.
But I don’t know what we were fighting for,
I’m just trying, to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
You put your nets out,
but still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch the butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and
As seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
Should've known better than to listen.
When the dreams and the words started falling apart.
Should've known i would've hit the ground running.
Did you think that the night would posses us,
Take us over like the rain that’s falling down.
Did you notice when the clock stopped running.
Running…
This is the countdown;
You see our time is running out.
I tread to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fighting for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
Monday, December 3, 2007
<3
The weekend I was dreading turned into a really amazing one instead. (Minus a few plans I wanted to do not working out).
I have been so close to the breaking point lately due to school, work, and other drama concerning friends.... Friday I finally broke. It was sad, something that usually would not have gotten to me as much finally just broke me. I spent my entire lunch hour in tears. But it was kind of a relief. I needed to get it out and once that was over, I was able to in a way start over.
Friday night I was able to hang out with friends that I have been missing. Plus there was chinese food (and a fortune that promised me cake...although I have yet to see it).
Saturday was a lazy day. I was suppose to study, but every time I tried I just couldn't concentrate. Which was then followed by Jess and I eating way to many calories (thank you awesome blossom) but I enjoyed every minute of it. And then of course, Dan's show.
I finally feel at ease (or at least more than before). Life is still hectic, but I don't feel like I am at my wit's end anymore. And what is even better, is that I feel that I am able to enjoy life more and see the good more clearly. While I hate that I had to get to that "breaking point" I'm in a way thankful for it.
I have been so close to the breaking point lately due to school, work, and other drama concerning friends.... Friday I finally broke. It was sad, something that usually would not have gotten to me as much finally just broke me. I spent my entire lunch hour in tears. But it was kind of a relief. I needed to get it out and once that was over, I was able to in a way start over.
Friday night I was able to hang out with friends that I have been missing. Plus there was chinese food (and a fortune that promised me cake...although I have yet to see it).
Saturday was a lazy day. I was suppose to study, but every time I tried I just couldn't concentrate. Which was then followed by Jess and I eating way to many calories (thank you awesome blossom) but I enjoyed every minute of it. And then of course, Dan's show.
I finally feel at ease (or at least more than before). Life is still hectic, but I don't feel like I am at my wit's end anymore. And what is even better, is that I feel that I am able to enjoy life more and see the good more clearly. While I hate that I had to get to that "breaking point" I'm in a way thankful for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)