Monday, November 26, 2007

a full moon on a black friday

My dogs on Thanksgiving.

The job I was given for Thanksgiving lunch/dinner. To put the olives and pickles out. Woo for me. Ha. Although, the best part of the day was when flames came shooting out of the oven. Luckily for my mom, I didn't have my camera ready for that one....
What I bought for myself on black Friday.

Matt and I "decorated" Leigh's room and bathroom while she was in Missouri. Did we get a little carried away? Perhaps, but it was fun and that's all that matters (well that and she didn't kill us).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thursday, I went to Daniel Goldhagen's lecture. I think the title basically explains his viewpoint and what the lecture was on.

Monday night, I went to hear Henri Landwirth, a Holocaust survivor.
One thing he said that hit me, was when Henri said that he didn't believe in God while he was in the camps, but when he got out he did, because he feels it was a miracle that he survived and obviously God must've wanted him to stay around and do something big.

And something that one of the professors pointed out that I thought was kinda funny, was when Clinton was President and he was asked about the genocide going on and when the US would step in to do something, he basically responded saying when it poses an interest to the US we would interfere....... hmm

We humans are capable of such terrible and disastrous things and also such beautiful things. - Professor Millicevic

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I love traditions. I think it's mainly because I am a creature of habit. There are few times I like and accept change, for the most part I like things to stay the way they are. Perhaps this is partly why I am dreading this break.
I cannot even remember the last time I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. Ever since I was in the 3rd grade I have been with family for this day. It started when I was in the 3rd grade and my grandmother died on Thanksgiving. And ever since then my family decided we needed to get together every year and since my Uncle (who was a pastor) couldn't get away for Christmas, we celebrated Thanksgiving together. We would rotate where we met up, but every year we spent this weekend together, stuffing our faces, shopping and roasting marshmallows by the fire. Then in middle school my parents split up. That was the first year I spent both with my Dad's family in Alabama (as usual) and then also with my Mom and our family made up of friends I grew up with in Pensacola. Then, after my Dad died, my Mom and I went to Pensacola every year to spend Thanksgiving. Mainly because holidays needed a special touch to them. I guess (not to sound all depressing) after my Dad died, holidays didn't mean as much. I stopped talking to my Dad's side of the family and it was only me and my Mom, even on the holidays, so we needed to somehow make these occasions mean something more.
But this year, we're staying in Jax. Granted, my aunt is coming into town, so at least that. But still, no tradition. No Pensacola. No friends that are more like family. And then of course, no family. I think I'm a little heartbroken by this (especially since everyone is leaving to go home) but mainly because I don't know where home is for me. I don't know where I belong. I thought home was now Jax, but now I'm not sure. I feel like I just wander, with no real home, no real place to call my own.
However, I suppose to I need to put all this aside as best I can and try to be thankful for what I do have. Because what I do have are amazing friends that love me despite my flaws. I have an awesome Mom who's one of my best friends. I have a big, soft bed that I will soon be finding comfort in. And most importantly, I have Thanksgiving food to look forward to. Actually, I guess most importantly I have God and I know that with Him I can make it through all this crap going on. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know if I just hang on and cling to Him, one day I will be on the other end of the long, darn tunnel.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

lost in thought

Nikki Grimes once wrote "pain melts into memory". I'll give her that... but sometimes, memory causes pain.
This past week has been tough and it seems that the hits just keep coming. And all I really want is my Dad. I want him to hold me tight like he did when I was a little girl and tell me that things will all work out. I wouldn't believe anyone else, but I would believe him, because he's my Dad. He knows all right? Or did... But somehow him reassuring me would make it all better. But he's not here. And tonight, I'm having difficulty dealing with that. Tonight, I'm not sure I am ok. And being without him.... hurts like no other pain.

It's hard to describe what it's like to lose a parent and a best friend. Yes, I at least know he is in a better place, but there are so many times when I wish he were here with me, to help get me through life. Or that I was with him. Both of us in a better place. But tonight... we are so far away. Both in different places and all I can do is miss him and try to fight back the tears. All I can do is pray that somehow I won't fall apart.