A-Z // g is for....

G is for.....God

 I've posted about my history and feelings on church, what it should be/can be and is to me before. 
But I guess this is where I should stress that while some people see church and God as synonymous, I don't.  I may have been raised in the church, but my faith on God has not come solely from church. Likewise, while there have been numerous times where I have shied away from church, I have never wandered from God.

I thought about making this post more about church, and then I realized my relationship with God has formed me as a person more than church. Perhaps this is because it's been hard for me to completely trust churches. They are man made- they are imperfect because they are run by humans and humans have flaws. However, God is perfect and being God in the flesh, Christ was perfect as well. This is why I have so much more faith in God and my relationship with Him than I do in church. People mess things up, get confused, and hurt each other. God does none of these things, but instead loves us and forgives us for all of our many mistakes.
So this is my story- the story about how God has taken my life and made it what it is. Of why I chose and still choose to believe in Him.

My relationship with God doesn't have a start date (or at least one that I can remember like a lot of Christians). I don't remember the day I started believing in Christ or even when I asked Him to come into my heart for the first time. His love and presence is just all I have known. But I do remember when I was baptized. I remember several occasions where I've asked Him to come into my heart and make it new- make me whole again.  And I do remember the most pivotal time of our relationship- the moment I knew there was a God and that I was utterly lost without Him.

Twelve years ago I had the worst day of my life. I was waking up out of a horrible dream at my best friend's house. It was the first day of high school and I had just dreamt that my dad had been lying dead on his living room floor. When I woke up, it was still dark outside and I heard a car door slam shut. I waited several minutes until finally my mom came through the front door. Even then I kept hoping for good news. There had to be another reason why my dad hadn't answered my phone calls all weekend, or why he hadn't picked me up on our usual Sunday date. Then my mom told me what had been my worst fear- my dad was dead.
The first week after my dad's death is still  a blur. I remember sleeping in my mom's bed, unable to leave her side. And I remember my friend Kim bringing me makeup homework. But that's it. I don't even remember crying (except for the funeral). I think it just took awhile to sink in. Then, when I found out my bad dream had been similar to what had actually happened, I felt raw.
It was during this time that I struggled the most with my relationship with God. I was angry that my dad had been taken, both at such a young age and without any warning. I was confused why I hadn't been allowed to say goodbye. And I was scared of what life without my dad would mean. I remember knowing that my life was at a crossroads and I contemplated which way I wanted to go. I could fight what was happening and be the troubled teenager. I could just give up caring and trying and it wouldn't hurt as much (or so I thought at the time). Or I could pray. I could turn it all over to God and let Him take away my hurt and pain. This would of course take a lot of faith and while I knew it would be an extremely tough decision, it would also mean an easier life for my mom.
It didn't take as long to decide as I thought it would and I quickly decided that while it would be a difficult road, I wanted to lean on God. I knew within it all that He would guide and love me through all of it. For the next 4 years I was tested on this choice, like I knew I would be. It wasn't easy to take that leap of faith and leave it all to God. When my dad died, our monetary support was gone. We struggled for years to keep food on the table, but my wonderful mom and I both put our trust in God. We knew that He would be with us. Things may be tight, but He would never fail us.
Finally, when I turned 18 things changed for us and we no longer had to worry as much about money. It was such a blessing and it was then that I knew this blessing was God's gift for following Him and trusting in Him to provide.
And He has been providing, guiding, loving, and forgiving me ever since. It was a decision I have never regretted and one that I remake everyday.

Following God has never been easy. It hasn't always been popular. But it is the most fruitful. I have never had more joy in my life than when I have followed God's will for me and my life and trusted in Him.  I may not always be great at it either, but every day I keep trying my best.

-kel

Ash Wednesday

I am a sinner surrounded by sin,
but by the gift of Christ's
birth, teaching, death, resurrection, and grace
I am saved.
(from my Pastor at tonight's church service)

thoughts on.....

I decided that there should be a new feature here. Tuesdays were once fact tuesday, but that feature has long since been abandoned. However, I feel the need to discuss...to write blog enteries more based on my ideas, thoughts, goals, and beliefs rather than soley what outfit I wish I had in my closet. Don't get me wrong, I love those wardrobe posts (and am planning on continuing to write them) but I feel the need to also be more serious here. I created a blog to have something to look back on years down the road to see how I have changed and grown. Along the way I've also gotten to know and visit some incredible blogs, so the purpose of "get the words out/ on the brink of something beautiful" has gradually changed. But now it's time to yet again redefine my blog. :)

so here it goes....

so my thoughts on....
church.

keep in mind my history and present employment now....

I was raised a methodist and throughout childhood and my youth my parents were extremely active in church. I even have an uncle who's a pastor. :) (One of my favorite people too, fyi). My parents were a part of tons of wesley groups (a/k/a bible study groups) which I was also taken to. My mom was the director of the homeless facility our church hosted, taught sunday school, was a lay leader, and served as a stephen minister. My dad served on staff parish (the group of elders that decided on important factors and changes in that paticular church), also participated in homeless feedings, and as a family we helped set up and take down communion for our incredibly large church. (Along with other things).
As for me.... I was an acolyte, went to sunday school and youth group, and later on became a youth leader (plus all the family things we did as a whole).
Of course there was a slight time (of like 5 years. ha) where we stopped going to church and stopped being active members. It started after my parents divorced and continued until a few years after my father's death. I slowly started to work my way back into church, but was very apprehensive about it. The people of the church hadn't really been there for us during those harsh times. Yes, our church friends had been, they stuck by us, but the other members of the church, that knew us but didn't run in our "circle" if you will, talked about us constantly (well until the next big drama event came around). It took me a long time to realize that the church is just a bunch of people, so it is easy to get hurt and let down. No one is perfect. However, I felt that as church memebers, trying to be more like the One that was perfect, we should be doing better..... Since then I have tried tons of churchs, joined mulitple study/bible groups, read a zillion books on the matter, and now find myself a youth minister/leader.
Now I'm not saying my idea is the only right one or that it's a perfect idea. Far from it. This is merely my opinion and the background of how it came to be.....

To me church should be:
a place to feel connected to God and other Christians around you;
a place where you feel safe and welcome;
a place where you can learn more about the God who loves you;
a place where you can speak your mind and feel safe doing it;
a place where you can feel God's presence;
a place where you can worship God by singing, praying, etc. (no limits);

church can be:
a place where people feel left out or out of place;
a place where the design seems more important than the message;
a place where everything is timed and planned, leaving nothing to the imagination of God;
a place where you must be quiet;
a place where you cannot be yourself;


This is all my opinion (again). The fact is these are ways in which I have felt in the past. But several things I keep reminding myself are:
that church is made of people (imperfect people); and we make mistakes and sometimes make other Christians look bad. We are not perfect, but we should be trying to model the One we live our lives for.
the church does not have to be a building we go to on Sundays; church is when you are with other followers of God and can learn together, pray together, and just be in community together.
the church is not always pretty; as a saint once said....the church is a whore, but she is my mother.... truth is, it may not always be pretty, but that's because we live in a broken world. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop trying.

I'm still young and learning, but in my opinion, church is a vital role in our lives. I try to convey this to my youth every Sunday. Yes, there are other times when you can be with God and it's just as important, but as someone who has strayed away from a church family, I know the importance of it. Church shouldn't be about making an appearance and giving our money (as some may make it out to seem). Church should be a place where you go to feel like you are at home. It should be a place where you can safely learn about, talk about, and praise God. It should never be a place where people feel left out or unwelcome. Church (to me) is coming together with your community members and living life together the way it was meant to be lived.... It's making sure you are setting aside time for something that is important in your life...God.

-kellie

church picnic

No lie, I have been looking forward to our church picnic for about a month now. Besides the fact that I love picnics, the idea of the whole church taking part in it just seemed so quaint and awesome. As it turns out, the picnic was more fun that I even imagined. There was volleyball, hot dogs (and tons of other amazing food), a dunking booth, heads up 7up, music, tons of awesome people, and I got to wear a vintage dress from etsy and my cowgirl boots.
Here are some photos from today :)




















all in all a pretty awesome day :)
xoxo
kellz