i'm dreaming of a warm Christmas

...just like the ones I use to know.
I guess when you live in Florida, the only kind of Christmas you'll ever have is warm one...

This Christmas was so completely different from any kind I've ever had before. And it was wonderful. One of the best I've had in a while actually. And for once, I didn't miss my dad so much I ended up crying myself to sleep. It's only taken 7 years, but I finally am healing... :)

Christmas eve my parents and I went to service a church in Riverside that some of our co-workers go to. The message was bland. The music was very traditional. And the people, somewhat friendly. The church though was beautiful. In fact, I think it's one of the prettiest churches I've ever been in.

Christmas day I had church service, just me and a bunch of homeless (with a few other CRM volunteers) under a dirty tent in downtown Jax. Just me, no friends or family. And it was an amazing Christmas service. I loved every minute of it and I felt at ease and peace. I think now I finally understand Jesus and his love for spending time with the less fortunate rather than the rich. If I had to choose which service was my favorite, which people were the friendliest, which place of worship was the most beautiful, hands down it would be the latter. Nothing was so beautiful as to see so many people, all of different types and ages coming down to sit together and worship The Savior in a less than traditional church.
God really blessed me this Christmas and opened my eyes to so many things. I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas too. God bless.

almost thereeeee

I wish that I could finish just one project. Right now I am in the middle of so many; redecorating my room, making Christmas cards, finishing up my 2008 photo journal book, my scrapbooking (that hasn’t been updated since last May), and a project I so badly wanted to put together for my mom for Christmas. (see pictures):

Oh, and I am also on the hunt for a Christmas party cocktail dress for Friday.

I figured that once classes were over for the semester I’d have so much more free time on my hands, but I guess I was wrong.

Last night was our firm Christmas party/dinner. It’s funny how working with people for over 2 years makes you into some kind of little family. As we all stood around the table, holding hands about to say grace, I realized how much I have overlooked. I keep myself so busy I haven’t taken the time to notice the small things that make life so meaningful and beautiful. White sparkling lights on the Christmas tree. Starbucks hot chai tea with vanilla lattes. The smell of cinnamon. Music, from Peggy Lee to Jason Miraz to Ben Folds. Finding new favorite music. Christmas classics like White Christmas. Friends, new and old. Driving with the windows down and the sunroof open while listening to Mae. Dinner with wonderful friends revisiting wonderful memories and adventures.

giving thanks

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. And I have to say, while I usually don't look forward to the holidays, this one was INCREDIBLE!!! Pensacola for the entire weekend. I did sadly have hw to do, but as long as I was with P-cola people, I didn't care. We had amazing food, great company and a white elephant Christmas gift swap. I think that's the name of it, and I won a fondue kit!
So here is what I am thankful for this season:

Yum cookies from World Market. (my dinner wed. night)

Sunsets. Pretty, pretty sunsets.

A camera to play around with when I was bored in the car.

These gals.
These guys.

And all the other wonderful people in my life.
I am so blessed that I have two places to call home. (Pensacola and S. FLA).

Home is not a dwelling with 4 walls, it is where you feel loved, where you can be yourself, where you have a group of people (or even just one) that love you for who you are. No questions asked. No ifs, ands or buts. They love you, even though you have faults and they accept you.
Perhaps thats why I haven't really been able to make JAX my home. I don't feel that I can be myself and be loved for who I am, with mess ups and all. Luckily I was able to bring people with me from S.FLA, but when they are gone for the holidays, I fear I will be lonely again. :(
But here is to now. To knowing I am blessed. To having loved ones in my life, whether they be in the next room, or a few hundred miles away....

change, we need

So I have to admit that Barak Obama was not the candidate I was hoping would win, but surprisingly enough he did. What is even more surprising is that last night when the votes came in and the winner was announced, I was excited. True I felt bad for McCain, I think he could have done some wondeerful things for our country and I see him as one of the most patriotic people in this nation, but what an incredible thing. The most unlikely candidate won. A man who didn't come from a wealthy family, who's skin color has made many not like him, and who I never thought would win, is our new President.
After watching his acceptance speech (and McCain's concession speech) I was close to tears. Here were two amazing choices for President and while one had to lose, they both had the most amazing words to say. I've never been so appreciative to see history coming alive. It was a historic moment and this is going to be an amazing ride (or so I hope).

I am thankful for....

....my mom

My mom is one of my favorite people in the entire world, I must admit.
I honestly don't know what I would do without her. The past few years we've gotten extremely close, probably because I'm now an adult and we can now be more like friends. In fact, I consider her one of my best friends.
She's one of the sweetest and strongest people I know. She's gone through so much and lost so many loved ones, but she continues on, head high. She works harder than anyone I know.She still knows how to have fun and act young (something I'm not that good at). She's always there for me, whether I ask her to be or not. She constantly goes out of her way for me. She knows me backwards and forwards. She loves me, the big mess up that I am. She tries to cheer me up when I'm down. She knows just what to say to make me feel better and turn my crappy day around. She's constantly telling me how much she loves me and how lucky she is to have me as her daughter. No one person (minus of course Jesus Christ) as sacrificed so much for me as she has. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to make my life better
Of course, we have our moments, our fights and our headbutts, but I could not have asked for a better person to be my mother. As corny as this may all sound, it's the truth. She means so much to me and has been there for me, never judging me or pushing me into anything. She's let me become the person I am, she raised me to be the person I am and I thank God for her everyday.

tell me more

I love photohoots. They make me happy.


This week and this past weekend have been crazy. So much running around.
My computer crashed.
Photoshoot at JU and trying to edit pictures.
Football game tonight. And practices like crazy.
Jaguars football game this past Sunday. We lost, but Leigh and I still had fun.
Work work work.
Dropped my field class, no more interning.
Netflix movies :) (one month free)
Homework (or avoiding homework)
Classes galore, although most of them were canceled for this week. No clue as to why.
Midterms are here.

Sometimes I really wish I could be a hippie. But I think I like my showers too much. And my bed.

Today is so far beautiful, but I am stuck inside with a headache. I also have a ton of homework I should be doing, but am avoiding at all costs. Then our football game tonight.

i love

I was bored at work, can you tell?

But this makes me sad, because it wasn't black and white, but it scanned that way for some reason. oh well

What a week.

Thursday I started interning at a new elementary school. I'm in a third grade class for math and science (my worst subjects). Should be an interesting semester. Then we had our first flag football game. We lost....horribly, but at least we had fun. My parents even suprised me and showed up for the game. I have to say, I don't think I've ever been so happy to see them.
Yesterday the girls and I went tubing near Gainesville. It was the most beautiful day and even the drive made me happy. However, the mosquitos attacked viciously and left their 23 marks on me to remind me.
Then today Leigh and I went to Orlando to Universal. So much fun. I love roommate bonding time. And then we rushed home to make football practice.

Things have been crazy and I barely get ANY sleep anymore. But I suppose that it's worth it.

bare essentials

When I was growing up I never once thought about running away from home. I think every one of my friends had or even just talked about it, but not me. Not ever. I guess that (at least until middle school) I never had any complaints. The problems I had didn't lie at home, in fact home was the one good constant thing in my life. Of course my middle school days changed all that and soon home did become a place that I dreaded, but still I never thought about running away.

So it strikes me as odd that here I am, 21 with my own home and I'm grown up and wishing to run away. It is as if everyday I come home from my long day of work and or school and think about packing my things and just hitting the road.

More than anything, I wish I could be like Donald Miller (in his book Through Painted Deserts, read it if you haven't) and just jump in a van with a buddy, packing only the essential items, and some cash to make it through and then take off.
No destination in mind.
No course in mind.
Just a goal--- to get away and see for myself our country and the people in it. But mostly, I just want to get away from the miseries of everyday life. Not just bills, homework and nagging people all around me, but to escape what my life has become. What I have somehow let it become. In trying to find my place in this world, I have made myself so busy that I have lost contact with what I want. I feel as if I can dream, but then I must come back to reality almost right away to fulfil the duty of an exam or planning a lesson. I just want to be rid of it all. Rid of the guilt. The pain. The bad memories. The loneliness.

I just want to be a hippie for a little while and travel to destinations unknown. I want to make my dream, my silly fantasy a reality, leaving everything behind, not caring what it is when I return (should I return).
My whole life people have just walked out, most of which without any sort of reason. I just wasn't enough anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I''m sick of not being enough. I'm tired of being no one's top five. I'm so frustrated with being left out, ignored, pushed aside.... I just want to get away and be with only me and God. I want to throw my phone in a lake, grab my ipod, bible, books for reading, a journal, my camera, a few clothes and just leave-- not worrying about where I am headed or what I am leaving behind.
I just want to go.


If only it weren't just a fantasy.