july 24th

Today he would have been 56.



Funny how things change.

my many loves

Jesus. John 3: 16; Galatians 2:20

Under the Tuscan Sun. I love this movie. Whenever I'm upset or pissed about my current relationship status, I usually watch this. I only wish someone would make a feel good, getting over past relationships movie that didn't include finding a new love at the end.
Pride and Prejudice. One of may favorite movies and books of all time. I think that it's because Mr. Darcy = the perfect man.
Orlando Bloom. Seriously, could there be a better looking man???

Mae- The Everglow CD. No matter what my mood is, this cd seems to fit it, whether I'm sad, happy, pissed, whatever. It's the only cd I know of that can do that. Plus, they write the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. If you haven't heard them, you need to. Carey Grant. Is there really anything else to say about him? OK, well he's British, handsome and I think one of the greatest actors that's ever lived. Albert Einstein. I wish that I had gotten the chance to meet him. He was intelligent, spiritual and seemed to be one of the nicest people. In some ways I wish I was more like him. The Beatles. When I was little, my mom use to sing me to sleep with their song "All My Lovin". I've loved them ever since. And in recently watching movies about them or with them, I must say my love for them (and Paul) has grown. I wish bands still made music like this! Grace Kelly. If I could be any celebrity from the past or present, it would be her. She lived almost every girl's dream. First a successful actress and then fell in love with a prince. Not to mention she was beautiful. To bad the only things we have in common are a name and the blond hair..... Starbucks coffee!!!!!! This is one of the few things that gets me going in the morning and makes work bearable. I also am a firm believer in Starbucks curing all moods. No joke, whether I am sad, angry, tired, whatever, a drink from Sbuck will cure it! My fave. drink is the ducle de leche which is sadly gone....

Ok, so I know that it is a corny 80's movie, but for me its a feel good movie. Not sure exactly why, but perhaps in watching it, it gives me hope that there is a boy out there like Blaine.....

The Berlin flag. I think that Berlin is one of my favorite cities in the entire world, mostly due to the history I'm sure. Maybe one day I'll get to go back....and in time for the Love Parade!!!

New York City. I first went there only for a day and fell in love with it. Then I went back to spend New Years Eve there. It's one of the cities I hope to live in one day. If only I was rich enough!

London. Another one of my favorite cities that I hope to one day live in or near. Again, I think it may be the history, or the fact that Prince William is there, or maybe how beautiful it is....or the history. Perhaps it's a combo.

on the sunny side of the street

So my second day back went so much better. Granted I was bored as everything, but still I didn't absolutely dread going. Plus it's fun to get to dress up!!!

Ok so my life recently:

Last weekend I went to Charleston, SC with my sister. Have to say it was amazing. Even though it rained all day Saturday and was as hot as everything Friday, I still had fun. It's been forever since just the two of us have hung out, and even then it was only for a few hours.

Tuesday before leaving I saw the new Harry Potter movie. The review I read in Newsweek said it was a sore disappointment, but I rather enjoyed it.

And this coming Saturday I have to take the FTCE (Florida Teachers Certification Exam). Can't express how excited I am about that one... I tried to get one of the books to study from one of the 20 libraries here... but not one had it. So I am reduced to going to Barnes and Noble to buy one....30 bucks, but luckily I have just that left on a gift card. Thank God (for real)!

I think I am starting to see the brighter side of life now. While granted my view from yesterday is still somewhat present in the back of my mind, I know that it's not the end of the world, or my life. I just have to see the bigger picture and the good things in life and pretty soon I'll be my happy self again (which has already started to begin).

Well here's to studying!

back to work and a bit (or more) of complaining

So today was the first day back at work. I have to say I was less than thrilled. I know that the first days back are always the toughest, but there's more to it than that.
I think I'm just jealous. I'm jealous of the people that don't have to waste away in an office from 8-5 Monday to Friday. And that I am missing out on having vacation time or hanging out with friends. I know I should probably shut up and count my blessings and accept the fact that I need money and I therefore need a job. But I just feel like I'm wasting valuable time. As soon as I graduate college I feel like that is it for me. I will have to work all the time so I only have now to travel and be a crazy 20 year old. I want to go to the beach. I want to keep going to Monday lunch with some of my friends. I want to visit old friends. I want to sleep late and stay up late. I want to sit by the pool and read until I can't anymore. I want to go on a road trip. I want to go to Europe. I want to hang out with friends and be wild and crazy so that when I am older and have a job and responsibilities I can remember now and how happy I was.
My job isn't so horribly bad. I love the people I work with-- all of them and I find that to be a miracle. And what other boss would hold a job open for me for 2 months while I went to school, had oral surgery and had a mini vacation? Plus I got a raise. And I get to work with my mom. So I should be happy right? But I don't like law and I don't enjoy my job. I hate having to leave by 7-7.30 AM to get there on time. I hate that I have to go to bed at 10 (which means I'm screwed since right now it's 10:30 and I still have to shower).
Ok so I'm also a little bit jealous of one of my bosses too. Granted he's owned this company since forever and he has every right to do this, but every month this summer he has gone on vacation. And I don't mean just to visit his kids. I mean to France and Utah and far away places for weeks at a time sometimes. Ok so I don't really have that kind of money-- but still. I just wish I was free of responsibility. I wish that I could just take off and drive like I wanted to before. I wish that I knew where I wanted to go. And maybe even a few friends to go with me. HINT HINT.
But I guess I have to be the poor stick in the mud that stays home and works even though I feel as if it is sucking all the energy from me and most days I absolutely hate it!

too many questions

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE LYRICS
"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" (part of it anyway)

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon

Then I'll follow you into the dark



I hate the whole death thing. I suppose as a Christian we are suppose to be happy about it, the person that dies gets to see their Maker. Yet, all I feel when people close to me die is extreme lonliness. Especially when you're not able to say goodbye. I feel as if death (or perhaps my experiences with it) is almost this paper weight that I carry around with me everywhere. And I hate that. I wish that I could let go of people that aren't coming back. I wish I was one of those people that could just move on. Yet 6 years after he died I still think about him every single day.
Sadly I'm not much better about failed relationships either. Why can't I let those go? Just realize that it was good while it lasted, figure out what I learned from them and then move on. But no, I have to hold onto it and beat myself up about what went wrong. And then worry that I'll never be that happy again....
I'm not really sure why this is on my mind... I'm not even in a sad mood presently. I think that in being alone and in looking through pictures tonight I just miss the old days. I miss people that were once in my life or once had a bigger part of my life. Things change, and I hate that. Most of the time I wish things would stay the same. I wish that the people you loved didn't have to leave. I wish that I knew who I was and I could stay that way. I wish that I didn't lose friends that mean so much to me. And I think I also wish I wasn't alone. I'm not really sure what that means....

Someone once said that life isn't about finding yourself but creating yourself. I think I like that. However who I wish I could create myself into wouldn't quite work. For instance, I have no musical talent or writing talent and I don't see myself with a famous musican/singer as a boyfriend anytime soon. haha. Granted I have wanted to be a teacher since I was 5 years old, and at least that stayed constant, but sometimes I wish there was more I could do with my life. I want to travel. I want to write. I want to have a life full of adventure, leaving when I please, going where I please and taking pictures the entire time to remind myself of the experiences I had.
So who am I? What is it that I really want? And then how can I make all of that possible?
Perhaps I think too much......

<3 <3 <3

I must say I love vacations. Who doesn't though right? But I feel as if I finally have time to read and sleep and run errands.
I had hoped to go somewhere, even if it was by myself, but instead I stayed home and I'm honestly glad I have. I've been able to hang out with people an grow closer with certain friends.

Last night was probably some of the most fun I've had in awhile.... We went to Starbucks for open mike night. Heard "Hey Delilah", which I love no matter who is singing. Then followed it up with sushi!!!! Then raced Jeff. It was sad we were in the car and he ran...yet still managed to beat us to Publix. And of course there was the Boston Creme Cake which was incredible although at first it was frozen solid. Oh well... college kids we'll eat anything!
I must say though, I LOVE my friends. Granted we have tough times (who doesn't) and there are times I just have to get away, but in spite of it all, I love them. Especially lately they have really been there for me in tough times and I just finally feel at home. Like this is where I belong and I have people to share my life with. People that bear witness to me and what happens in my life. And I can do the same for them. I just wish there was a way to say thank you to them. Nothing seems to be enough though, not for all they have done for me!
<3

No Longer a Virgin

No longer a blogger virgin that is......

I'm currently living on 4 hours of sleep, and I honestly have never been more awake.
I'm also eating onion rings and fries....don't tell my oral surgeon.
I wish I had more to say, but right now I'm drawing a blank.