Wednesday, July 11, 2007

too many questions

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" (part of it anyway)

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon

Then I'll follow you into the dark

I hate the whole death thing. I suppose as a Christian we are suppose to be happy about it, the person that dies gets to see their Maker. Yet, all I feel when people close to me die is extreme lonliness. Especially when you're not able to say goodbye. I feel as if death (or perhaps my experiences with it) is almost this paper weight that I carry around with me everywhere. And I hate that. I wish that I could let go of people that aren't coming back. I wish I was one of those people that could just move on. Yet 6 years after he died I still think about him every single day.
Sadly I'm not much better about failed relationships either. Why can't I let those go? Just realize that it was good while it lasted, figure out what I learned from them and then move on. But no, I have to hold onto it and beat myself up about what went wrong. And then worry that I'll never be that happy again....
I'm not really sure why this is on my mind... I'm not even in a sad mood presently. I think that in being alone and in looking through pictures tonight I just miss the old days. I miss people that were once in my life or once had a bigger part of my life. Things change, and I hate that. Most of the time I wish things would stay the same. I wish that the people you loved didn't have to leave. I wish that I knew who I was and I could stay that way. I wish that I didn't lose friends that mean so much to me. And I think I also wish I wasn't alone. I'm not really sure what that means....

Someone once said that life isn't about finding yourself but creating yourself. I think I like that. However who I wish I could create myself into wouldn't quite work. For instance, I have no musical talent or writing talent and I don't see myself with a famous musican/singer as a boyfriend anytime soon. haha. Granted I have wanted to be a teacher since I was 5 years old, and at least that stayed constant, but sometimes I wish there was more I could do with my life. I want to travel. I want to write. I want to have a life full of adventure, leaving when I please, going where I please and taking pictures the entire time to remind myself of the experiences I had.
So who am I? What is it that I really want? And then how can I make all of that possible?
Perhaps I think too much......


jessica said...

i think it's normal to carry them with you each day. i think we do that as our way of keeping them alive to us. we all find our ways to do deal with our losses. my family makes lasagna on Christmas to remember Uncle Boomer. he always offered food to people or brought it to your house. one Christmas he brought us a lasagna. I was young and thought it strange, but now it makes me feel close to him and as though he's still a part of us. I think I'm so affected by his death because I loved him so much and admired him. Maybe you can channel that feeling into finding ways to keep him alive in your everyday life. Like I said... we all find our ways of coping. Do what you need to do, not what people thin kyou should. I'm always here if you wanna share a story or a memory or just talk.

...on the brink of something beautiful said...

thanks jess. love you! i'm sorry ive been so bad about calling you!

jessica said...

it's ok, we all get busy. soon I'll be minutes away :) 5 weeks!