Wednesday, August 24, 2011

10 years ago today

Was the worst day of my entire life. No other horrible day has come even close. Sometimes I wish that memory would simply fade from my mind, but at the same time it has helped shape me. To be honest though, if I could change any event in my life, I would change what happened that day (not that I could).
Sometimes I feel like I talk about my dad's death so much it's like a broken record. The last thing I want to do is annoy people or even sound like a major debbie-downer. But it's so hard to pretend like this day is the same as any other day of the year. Even Father's Day and his birthday have been difficult, but over the years I have tried to turn those days into happy ones, where I can celebrate his memory and how wonderful of a person and father he was. The day of his death though is another story....I can't "celebrate" anything. Yes I am glad he's in a better place, but the selfish part of me is angry and deeply sad that he's no longer here. He's missed out on so much on my life, that I know he would've wanted to be a part of.

Dad,
I'm thinking about you today. Honestly, I think about you everyday. I miss you more than I could put into words. While the pain that filled my heart when you left is for the most part gone, there is now a different kind of a pain. A pain of knowing that you aren't here. You haven't see the last 10 years of my life, my first love, my prom, my college years, my first job, my graduation from high school and college.... And all that is to come you won't get to be a part of either. I hate that. But, I am so glad that I had 14 years with you. You were the best father a girl could ever ask for and I miss you like crazy. Thank you for always putting me first and loving me. I am incredibly thankful for those 14 years.
With all of my love,
your Kellie

13 comments:

Leanne said...

I hope you are ok on this sad day.
I am sure you dad is very proud of the lady you have turned into.
x

diane said...

Oh Kellie, I ache for you and know exactly what you are feeling today. My dad has been gone for 10 years too. Although I was much older than you when he died I still am angry about all he has missed out on; his grandchildren's high school,college and dental school graduations, weddings and his great-grandchildren arriving into the world? He has missed out on so much life of the people who loved him. I am so glad my children have wonderful memories of him and I miss him every single day. Thinking of you today!

K13 said...

Kellie-
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at such a young age. I'm sure he is smiling down upon you in seeing all that you have become.

HUGS!!

Krystyn

Melanie said...

Kellie-

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I lost my mother when I was 13 years old, and after all this time (almost 22 years) it still hurts. Time does help make it easier, but you'll always miss him. Treasure all of your wonderful memories of him and try to live a very full, happy life. That is the best way to honor him! Sending lots of love your way today!

BJJ said...

Thinking of you today. This was a beautiful post. Don't ever feel like a broken record for talking about something that changed the rest of your life. There are those defining days in life and then there are the days in between. May you find comfort on this difficult day.

Peace & Love
pickingwildflowersblog.blogspot.com

Carrie Rosalind said...

Aww, Kellie...I'm so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you today and I'm so sorry that he's not around for you. :(

cuppy said...

[[ snug ]]

I love you & I am sending you so much love & strength.

Though the pain does change - it never goes away and you know what? It's OK to hurt & it's OK to talk about him as often or as little as you'd like. He was YOUR daddy & no one & nothing can ever change it or should tarnish it.

xooxoxoxoxo

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you on this hard day. I lost both of my parents (and a much older age than you) and I miss them every day. We have to always remember that the ones we love who are no longer physically with us are always with us in spirit. xo

Ms. Snyder said...

Never feel bad for missing your Dad. There is no shame in admitting that you love him and miss him. He was your father and he can never be replaced. I do hope your day gets better. Take care and Abbie sends her hugs :)

Geri Centonze said...

Kellie, So sorry you are feeling the loss especially today on the anniversary of your father's death. I equate our parents like the sun and the moon. When I was born there was a sun and a moon and a mom and a dad. With my Dad gone it's as if the sun is gone...how can any day be the same without someone who was with us from the start. Diane (a few comments above) is my sister and our Dad died 10 years ago. We were much older as she said, but it was still hard and I still miss and blog a lot about him too. Better to feel the feelings than let them build up inside. I'm sending you a big hug. http://www.myheartartbygeri.com/2010/12/30-days-of-gratitude-day-30-last-day-i.html http://www.myheartartbygeri.com/2010/12/life-remembered.html

Mrs A said...

It so hard to deal with the finality of death, my dad passed 18 years ago, and i think of all the things he didnt get to see or do like our wedding and the kids grow up, but its also a testament to how great a father he was to be remembered so fondly, just like your dad, go easy on yourself,

...on the brink of something beautiful said...

thank you everyone for all of your super sweet words. i appreciate them more than yall could know!!!!

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you Kellie!!!
I wish we lived closer so we could get together and talk. I'm sending you a giant hug!
Beautiful post!
Love you!
Tiffany