Monday, June 22, 2009

tangled up in blue

After a 7 hour driving trip alone, you do some thinking.....

Yesterday was Father's Day (duh, right?) And while I hate writing emotional/sad blog posts, there is something that I have been thinking about so much lately (ok dwelling on...).
It's been 7 years since my dad died. I would have thought I'd be past being sad and feeling heartbroken on certain days (i.e. Father's Day, hie birthday, etc.) but I'm totally not. Last year I tried to go Father's Day card shopping for my Step-dad, only every time I walked into the card section to pick something out I would somehow be reminded of my dad and I left each time trying not begin hysterically crying in the store. Suffice to say I had to make my Step-dad a card....

This year though was different. I got to go to North Carolina to be with my really good friend Jess. We had an amazing time together and she even helped me get my mind off of what yesterday was. But then last night and all today in the car ride I began to think of my dad again. And I got angry.

Yesterday Jess decided to help me "celebrate" the day by doing something in honor of my dad. So for lunch we got Subway (which my dad and I did every Sunday (which was my day of the week with him)). It was a nice memory and soooo incredibly sweet of Jess to do for me. But then I started to think about the fact that NO one called me yesterday. No texts, no anything to check on me. At first I was really hurt and then I got really mad. How could no one care? How could I go so unnoticed on this day. But then I realized that it is all my fault. I put up a wall when it comes to that subject. I don't have really anyone to talk to about him because they either get too upset by it or they don't know what to say and make me feel uncomfortable for even bringing up the subject. So I closed that part of my mind and my heart up. But this past weekend I've realized how much it has been hurting me. Not talking about my dad has become more heartbreaking than talking about him ever could be. Instead of recalling good times or reliving events, I've been forced (on fault alone) to push him aside. Now his memory in my mind is fading. I don't remember what his voice sounds like. I can't recall what his real smile looked like (not the cheesy ones from photos), and I don't even remember what a hug from him felt like. All of these memories of my dad, one of the best people I've ever known, is slipping. I am losing him and that scares me so much.

So I decided to change a few things to make sure I don't forget him completely. I am taking Jess' advice to do something to remind myself.
For starters, I am going to use my blog to talk about him. So those of you that don't want to hear it have the fabulous option to not read it if you don't want to. (A heck of a lot easier than having to tune me And if you do read and wish you had something to say, but just don't know what to say, my advice is to say anything. Say what is on your mind. Anything is better than silence and I have had 7 years of silence, so please, comment (only if you would like to of course).
The other thing I have decided to do is to make a mini-book. I want to create a sort of journal, recalling memories, listing down factoids about him that I remember still, including pictures, and even writing letters to him. Another plus of this is that I get to be creative!

I honestly wish I felt free to talk to people in my life about this. About how much I miss him. About what I am feeling on days like today. I wish that I didn't fear their responses so I felt free to talk, but I don't. Maybe one day I will let down that guard, but for now I think I can only allow myself to share with my blog (and its very few readers, lol).
Thank you if you've actually read all this. I honestly could use any support you can give....


ps photos and more to come on my NC trip. SO much fun. But not enough time there! :(


jessica said...

Glad I could be there with you this year and to help you get through the day. I think your resolutions sound like great ideas and I can't wait to see what your book will look like. you have to show everyone your amazing polaroid mini. You're great and I love you!!!!

nicole addison said...

one of my best friends lost her father around christmas time last year. she deals with it every day and i have to say that post was inspiring. you sound like a very brave girl and thank you for that. god bless dear :)