Tuesday, November 16, 2010

pain, pain go away (for realz)

I'm not even sure how to start this except to say that I'm fed up and miserable. Oh gosh, it sounds like the worst pity party ever doesn't it?? (It's not I promise...okay well just a tad).

Truth is, I haven't really mentioned my health all that much here. I've talked about not feeling well several times, but left it at that. Today though, I am just miserable and I can't take it anymore.
This time last year I had tons of tests and blood work done to check out what was going on. I finally was put on medicine and it seemed to be working perfectly until about 2 months ago. Since then it's worse than it ever was and the meds no longer help. My stomach is constantly in pain and there have been mulitple days where I've gone without eating because food made it worse (or I was afraid it would). I never thought I'd be afraid to eat because I was afraid of the pain it would cause.
This whole thing has been on and off since middle school (and probably started around the time my parents divorced), but since college it's come back with avengence and in the past couple months it's been unbearable.
Right now I'm working with my doctor's office taking more samples and bloodwork, trying to figure out why I'm still having these problems, but so far the results haven't given me much.
I know that I could be a lot worse off and I know that there are lots of people in more pain than I am. Perhaps this is why I've never mentioned any of this before...I hate talking about something that seems so small in comparison to what others are going through. (And I'm mentally hating myself for writing this post right now).
But today, after I left the doctor's office I just sat in my car and cried. I hate this. I hate that I don't feel normal much anymore. I hate that I have to cancel plans with family and friends because my stomach hurts so badly all I can do is sleep in hopes of not hurting. I hate that I'm afraid to eat. Yes, special diets and laying off specific foods has helped, but these days it doesn't even matter....I hurt no matter what I eat. I'm just f***ing miserable and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Please just pray and/or send good thoughts this way. I could really use all I can get right now.
Thanks everyone (especially if you made it this far into my post!!! kudos! seriously)

much love,


LivKit said...

Ok seriously I know how you feel.. Ive been in a constant state of pain since I was 13 years old! But I cried while reading this, and I am in the library at school.. balling my eyes out! But I will pray for you to get better! So from my heart to yours! Have a good day Kellie! :)

cuppy said...

First of all, I love you & I wish so so so much that you weren't feeling this way & that there was something, ANYTHING I could do to help you & take your pain away.

That said, you should never feel BAD or uncomfortable or anything like that for expressing how you feel & feeling frustrated & wanting to vent about it on your blog. You have every right to feel how you do & to talk about it. I realize that everyone has struggles & everyone goes through ups & downs & sometimes way worse things that neither you nor I can possibly imagine. However, that doesn't make YOUR situation any less valid.

I don't like that you keep stuff inside, sweetie !!! <3

If there's anything I can do, please do not hesitate to let me know. I am here for you always.

love love love & healing hugs to you ♥♥ xoxoxo

Nicole said...

Don't feel bad for venting on your blog! No one expects positive 100% of the time. :)

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, and I hope the doctor can give you some answers and relief from the pain. Sending lots of healing, happy vibes your way!

- Nicole

Carrie said...

I am so sorry you are in such pain I hope the drs figure something soon!



Krystal said...

I'm sorry lovely. I have a good friend dealing with the same kind of thing and they finally have figured it was just stress and her starting law school that was bringing on all the pain. :( I wish your solution was that easy, good luck.

Hearthandmade said...

I know how you feel. I cried many times after seeing the doctors. I started getting sick in april 09 after an operation to remove some tumours and cysts from my ovaries and i started having seizures for seemingly no reason at all.. and ive just got worse and worse and very sick. Ive seen 4 different consultants and it took over a year for me to get half of a diagnosis.. but im still really sick and its hard. I hope you feel better xo

kittycat said...

aw:( i'm definitely sending good thoughts your way! i hope you start to feel better soon!

The Girl with Pearl Earrings. said...

Ill keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Im sending a massive amount of positive vibes your way!!! I hope doctors will finally find a cure for your poor stomach!

(I know how stomach pains feel...Ive been having random, almost unbearable, stomach pains since my childhood years. Ive been tested zillions of times but it all brought no results at all. NOTHING. I feel for you Kellie!!)

Danielle said...

You should never feel bad for being honest in your blog! I think when I really started opening up on my blog and letting myself come out, I realized that I had more followers and actually found some friends that I've connected with in real life!

I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers but wanted to offer some advice. My brother has Chron's Disease and was diagnosed when he was about 13. He went through a lot of blood work, samples, etc before they figured out what it was. He still is on medication for it off and on, but it has become much more manageable. I'm not sure if this is something that your doctors have considered or not, but the symptoms sound similar. I hope that it gets figured out soon, you shouldn't have to live like this!!

...on the brink of something beautiful said...

thanks everyone. all of your sweet comments have really meant the world to me!

danielle- actually chrons is one of the things they are testing for...which is one reason why i've been freaking out a bit. :(

Jenn said...

I know how you feel with the stomach problems. Sometimes, the pills help, sometimes they make it worse. I'm praying that you can make it through this. :) If you ever need to talk about stomach stuff, I'm here for you.

Emme said...

God bless you!
May you have a speedy healing!!
Think Good thoughts. Healing thoughts..Loving thoughts!

I digest life with ease

there's an affirmation..
repeat it often!

brittni said...

Is it an ulcer? :( I know those can flare up by stressful situations (i.e. divorce, college). My sister has a similar problem, more related to digestion and my mom has a hiatal hernia, so I totally understand (through them) where you are coming from. Don't give up on trying to find the problem! I will send good thoughts your way.

xo, Brittni

amy lapi said...

i'm sorry darling :( i hope you feel better

alovelylittleworld said...

Oh my goodness Kellie!
Don't feel bad about saying something, it is major.
I mean, being in pain all the time is definitely something you're entitled to gripe about.
Lots of hugs! Take care of yourself beautiful. And here's a load of prayers and happy thoughts sent your way xo

Miss C (You Next Tuesday) said...

I have a few friends that are having similar problems. One had to take perscription strength pain killers for her back for years and that's what started the stomach problems, we still haven't figured out exactly what's going on with another friend but it definitely affects her day to day. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. (ps I'm new to reading your blog and I love it!!!) And you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for getting this out. I don't blame you for the breakdown either. Frustration mounts sometimes and has to come out!
I wish for you an answer. Hopefully these tests find something new.


Elizabeth said...

I'm sending good vibes your way to help you feel better. I know what a drag it is to feel this way and even worse to keep bringing it up in conversation (I feel so helpless and whiny). Have you looked into taking probiotics? They are magical enzymes (that are also found in yogurt) but you can buy them at a natural food store in pill form. They help aid in digestion and help to ward of sickness. Feel better hun :)

heather dawn said...

i am sending every prayer and good thought your! I hope you get better soon!!