Tuesday, May 1, 2012

indescribable love

Last Friday I had an amazing conversation with a coworker of mine. It was truly a God moment.

She and I barely get to see each other nowadays, since our school commitments take us in different directions, but Friday she was asked to help me out. And she honestly helped me.

We talked about God. About our plans for the future. About our fears of failing. About God's idea of failure.

I felt like everything she was saying to me was striking a cord. She wasn't just speaking about her and her own experiences, but she seemed to know what I was dealing with as well.  As we talked on about our wants for the future, she reminded me that when I don't succeed, while I may view it as failure, it doesn't have to be that way. What a crazy thought.... It's not a failure. It's God simply saying "No, not yet."  Or "No, I have better plans for you and it doesn't include this route."  Of course this epiphany has been recently challenged. While I know that God has great plans for me, 

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord.  " I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.  I will give you hope and a good future."
Jeremiah 29:11

when I hit that "failure" I start to forget this verse. The idea that He has better plans for me seems to slip from my memory.  But it shouldn't.  I should ingrain it into my mind so much so that even in the darkest hour, I will remember this, His promise. 

 The past couple of weeks have been difficult. Not bad, but difficult. I've been struggling with so much. More than I should be, because I should be giving it all up to God. But that giving up part is so hard for me. He knows best.  He even cares for the birds and we are much more to Him than mere birds. Yet they have no worries. (I forget which verse this is, sorry).

Yet I struggle with where I am, where I will be, and where I should be. I've always had lofty ideas for my life and I've always wanted to start early with things like my career. Heck, I've been wanting to be a teacher since I was six (which is 19 years for those of you counting). It's hard for me to take in the fact that I've done everything I need to in order to get to that dream, yet I am still not there. I've taken classes, I've gotten my degrees, I've graduated. I even got my foot in the door at a local school. But lately it all seems to be coming to a sudden stop. I don't know where I will be next Fall, or even where I will be wanted.

This past week I've struggled with these thoughts and other inner struggles. And frankly, I'm tired. Strike that, I'm exhausted.  I've run out of steam to the point where I just want to come home and cry. Not only am I fighting with myself, but physically I am tired from 10ish hours a day of work.
Then tonight, this bible verse stuck out at me.....

Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28


Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset? I should put my hope in God and keep praising him, my Savior, my God.
Psalm 42: 5

 And also....

The Lord himself will go before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forgot you. Don't be afraid and don't worry.
Deuteronomy 31:6 
 (which is also a tattoo I have). You would think that verse would stand solid in my mind at all times.

So after all of this thinking, reading, praying, fighting with myself, what have I come up with?

That God is amazing. The I do not deserve his love, yet he gave it anyway. That as Chris Tomlin put it, "He saw the depths of our hearts, and He loved us the same." Incredible. And that even in the midst of all this fear and sadness, I need to keep up hope and continue to praise Him.

So what are His plans for me? I have no flipping clue. But I do know that I need to be better about trusting in Him and His guidance. I'm not entirely sure what that entails, but it can only be good.

I wish the same for you. That you would find that peace and hope too. And that we can rejoice for all He has done for us, and all He is going to do.


(ps. I hope that this doesn't come off as preachy. And if you are not a follower, in no way do I mean to offend you. This post is simply about things that been tugging on my heart as of late. And I posted it in hopes that someone else feeling the same way might see some hope too. )


Leigh said...

I feel you kel. Its all about trust, and not just trusting when things are going well, but when its hard to hold onto hope at all. I know all your dreams will come true, and I think in some ways as your life changes your dreams will change too. S glad you got to have this conversation, God is with you!

Anni said...

So Kelly, now you've done the same for me as your colleague did for you. I'm in an extreme similar siutaion right now and I really needed someone telling me that God has plans for me and am I not to worry and to struggle. Woah, feels like I can finally sleep that night and that's all because of your fabolous blog entry. Thank you so much!!

Anni (Germany ;) )

Ren said...

Thanks for Sharing Kelli! I understand excactly what you're going through, God has brought me through many of those seasons. The last one ending not too long ago. Remember if our God is for us, who can be against us?

Marty Walden said...

My husband is 50 and is one credit away from his college degree! He never finished years ago but is determined now. It's amazing. He wants to be a church worship leader. Unfortunately, his "regular" job as a painter has completely dried up and he has no full time church prospects. We're in the same wait and see situation. Waiting to see how God wants to delight in us and give us the desires of our hearts. But we have to wait on His timing. Tough stuff. Thanks for sharing your heart!

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