If only I knew....

The first week of school is always rough for me. I hate starting over. Plus there's getting use to new classes, new teachers, new schedules, new everything...and trying to make new friends. It's only the second day and I am just stressed to the max. I think that while today was for the most part good, at one point I just kind of hit bottom. I feel like tonight everything is falling apart. And I am so worried and upset over so many things, that I am literally making myself sick.
I just don't know if I can hack this.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I really just want to get away from life. Escape it and perhaps never come back.
I don't know why I do this to myself.

I really expected to feel different today. It is after all the day I dread all year long. But for some reason I am not sad. Maybe that part of grieving is over... or maybe I have just come to accept the truth. I fear though, that it's just that I am no longer missing a person, but missing a fictional, dreamlike character. My memories that include him seem so distant and as if I just made them up. I have forgotten what he sounds like (so I watch home movies) I have forgotten his smell but worst of all I can't cry about today. What happened six years ago today is still as vivid to me as if it had happened only yesterday, yet the emotions seem to have vanished.
I still miss him like crazy though. He was one of those rare people that loved me in spite of all my flaws. His love didn't increase or decrease due to mistakes I made. He always treated me in the same loving way, never judging, always trusting. He knew that I would come into my own and never pushed me to be anything but me. He was one of the best people I have ever known, and I don't think I would be who I am had he not been apart of my life. And I must admit, the world also feels just a little bit darker and colder without him.

little miss independent

I absolutely, positvely HATE that because I am a girl I am looked down upon. I know that we are the ones prayed on... with the rapes and murders and kidnapping, etc. But honestly, I can take care of myself just as much as any boy....well kind of. There is my pepper spray.
But when there are 4 of us together, and one could kick the crap outta anyone, and the other has pepper spray permantely glued to her side... do we really need a guy to ruin the moment just so that we can merely "feel" protected. In this case I would have to say it is the common case of the guy needing to look like the hero and protect his girl. I can protect myself thank you.

August 10th = strangest day

Ok, so I do apologize for the weird random previous post. Before I explain though, I need to backtrack a little to explain exactly why Friday was so strange.
Started out with me going to Starbucks (like every other Friday) and ordering a Dulce de Leche for me and my Mom. It's my favorite drink there!!! But no-- they are out of it and they don't think that they will get any more in stock. I let it go though...no biggie.
Then lunch. Or rather, right before lunch I got off the elevator and literally fell forward. Why? My shoe broke and I was left to hobble back into our office like this. I tried to fix it, but couldn't, so my Mom decided instead of coming to lunch with my friends and I, she would go back to my place and get me more shoes to wear. (This is why I love my Mom). So we are driving to meet my friends so she can drop me off and we get stopped by 2 trains that take FOREVER to pass by. By this point half of my lunch is over and I am wearing shoes that a co-worker lent me that are too tight and 2 sizes to small so I looked like a complete dork (but still had shoes). This whole thing didn't really bother me though. I just laughed it off.
Now here's the clincher. I get home at 5:30, go inside hang out with Leigh, play music and dance to it (cause I'm cool like that). 7:30 we walk outside to go to dance classes and as we walk to my car, we see News vans, a news helicopter, police swarming everywhere, police tape and people just standing around talking. I walked up to a group of guys and asked them what was going on...their response? "That's what we were trying to figure out." Which was odd, because they were clearly NOT from our neighborhood, so one would think they would know what brought them into Sail Cove. So Leigh and I go to dance classes (which I will get into more later) come home and the police are still there and questioning people. We freak out, and ask a neighbor what happened. Here's the dirt: 2 buildings away from ours there was an apparent home invasion. To make things worse, the 2 guys that broke in started shooting, leaving one man dead and then ran. There are no suspects, no witnesses, just 2 armed robbers/murders on the loose. Needless to say Leigh and I freaked out. So we decided to pack our bags and go to my Mom's. There's still no more new information.
On a happier note, dance classes were extremely fun. We learned the Salsa. The place is run by a bunch of Christians and they actually play Christian music and pray before dancing. The instructor was rude, but the other dancers were nice and I haven't had so much fun since I don't know when.
Saturday we tried to robber proof our place as much as possible and then followed it up with a PJ party at a friends house. Again, quite fun (and I have pictures to prove it).
Then today had breakfast with friends, and had an interesting lunch followed by watching Fight Club. Which I am actually still trying to figure out if I liked or not... It was insane, but cool. Sorry for lack of words.
Now I am a little depressed because it's Sunday, which means work tomorrow, but hey at least I had an awesome (and odd) weekend.

So many blind dates, I deserve one of those dogs...

Numerous people in recent days have been trying to set me up. I don't get it. It is as if I have "Single. Miserable. Loser. Unable to find her own date, so please set me up with anyone" tattooed on my forehead. Not sure if all that could actually fit there.... It is just as if they find me to be in need of a boyfriend, who knows why, and they end up setting me up with guys that just are not for me. Or perhaps, they know something I don't. Maybe there is a lesson here. Something that I am suppose to learn from all this setting up. Could it be revenge for all the times I tried to do it to my friends in the past? Or is it something completely different?
This elderly couple came into our office today and it kind of hit me. Not really now, but at some point I want to find my Mr. Right. I want to fall in love and spend forever with him. Although I think it is just that that scares the crap out of me. With divorce being so rampant and occurring to couples like my parents that seemed to be so perfect, forever doesn't seem possible. Then in getting myself all scared about the future I realize the whole thing takes faith. Faith in something bigger than me, bigger than my dreams and bigger than society's expectations.

Let them eat bread

Someone once said that that life is not about finding yourself, but creating yourself. I'm not sure if I agree with this. Granted, we all have to create the person we want to be, but I think there are just some things about ourselves we can't change and so in that aspect, we are finding ourselves.
Here is what I DO know: (random facts about me that make me...well me)

- I LOVE books. I don't think I can emphasis love enough. I could spend all day in Barnes and Noble and not be bored. In fact many times people beg me to leave hours before I am ready.

-I love bread. I think it is in fact one of my weaknesses. But if I could only eat one food, this would be it. (or maybe cake.... toss up)

- I love to travel. Even though I get sick almost every time I travel, I still have fun. I like seeing new places and experiencing new things. In fact, every place I go to now I always come up with a list on why or why not I would move there... so far the list of places I HAVE to live include: DC, NYC and England.

- At times I feel I am OCD or at least annal about things. (Hold back laughter please). I have to have order and neatness. As most of you can attest to.

- I hate when people break promises. I know it is going to happen at some point, but there comes a point when it happens so frequently that I just can't trust people... and I don't think it should ever come to that point.

-I hate when people don't think for themselves. Yes we need advice from, but we need to have our own opinions on things as well!!

- I am obsessed with music. I wish that my life had a soundtrack. It would include songs like: (Suddenly I see by KT Tunstall, Learning to fly by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bittersweet symphony by The Verve and To love again by KACI)

- I love movies and perhaps watch too many of them.

- I hate cheesy romance. In the movies it CAN be ok, but in real life...I don't know maybe it just seems to fake.

- I wish more people were honest with me. If your friends won't tell you the truth, who will? And yes sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it needs to be heard.

- I love the feeling I get after going to church on Sundays. Why I don't go anymore still bewilders me though.

- I'm not where I want to be in life. I don't know what exactly I want to be, I just know that I'm not happy with where I am and who I am. I guess it is just because I still have more growing up and living to do.

- I love reorganizing and redecorating things. Usually I do this when I am bored or depressed.

- I wish there was a song out there about a girl named Kellie (or Kelly, w/e). It doesn't have to be about me, I just want a song that I can sing along with and pretend it was about me.

- I wish that like in the end of TV shows (or Gilmore Girls to be more exact) the end of every night was concluded with witty remarks and bonding.... followed by the camera panning out and the music cutting in while the voices faded and somehow you knew that everything was going to be ok (at least for the moment).

- And I wish that work was more enjoyable than a chore.

that's what I call a good night

So, I must say tonight was better than I thought it would be (and there are 3 albums on facebook to prove it, although there would be more if I hadn't of run out of batteries).

- where the wedding was, there was also a gay pride even going on.... a lot more traffic, but I also saw my first real live drag queen. Don't ask why that interested me so much, I don't know. lol

- the wedding was beautiful. But hot, the castle had no AC

- the reception was fun and reminded me of how much i LOVE my friends

- i got a little crazy, but had so much fun. I only wish I had written down quotes, so many funny ones were said!!!

- followed the reception with going to Freebird. got double xed again, but it was fun. And I know realize I misjudged a friend. She's so much of a better friend than I could have ever dreamed of!

-- Plus I wasn't socially awkward as some (including myself) have believed in the past. Meeting new people can be fun. And it helps when wearing a new dress and feeling pretty for once....

Here a few pics to explain the fun and madness of the night!

Carly Simon should write a song about me

There is a definite line between love and hate. I don’t know what it is but it seems as if everything that I honestly love now I once hated with a passion. Perhaps it is that my taste in things have changed, or maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s because the things that you really grow to love in life you don’t always love right away. Those things seems to be fleeting. But the things you love forever and more deeply as time goes on are things that take awhile to develop. Not to quote a horribly cheesy movie (although it does make a point) but maybe love does come softly.
I know this sounds odd, or as if something extraordinary in my love life has occurred, I am actually talking about my questionable love for Marie Antoinette, the movie. I know this sounds shallow, but whatever I have my moments. In fact to prove my strangeness, I am currently listening to the soundtrack, which I bought while running errands for work. I’m debating on whether I should take it back to Blockbuster or not……. Any suggestions. lol

Other than that... new things in my life:
- I created a Last Will, Living Will and other Advance Directives today at work. We signed the papers and everything... I feel old now.
- I bought so many things that I shouldn't have. Including: a dress for the wedding tomorrow (but a few alterations need to be made) but I love it. The only thing is that now I need shoes to go with it... isn't that always how it s for us girls. First the dress, then we need new shoes, then we don't have a purse to go with it, then we need a sweater... and then we are broke. Luckily I only need flip flops and then that's it. Although I did buy a new wallet (bright orange...hmmm) and hang bag (dark brown). And while many may find this odd, I also bought a red flask. My purposes for this aren't what they seem and in fact I'm still wondering what I was thinking..but I believe it has more to do with an inside joke with my Mom than anything.

So there's my being shallow and completely vain .

rainy days

For some reason I love the rain. Of course, when it's raining in the morning I hate it. It's then that it makes me look like a complete disaster and people forget how to drive. But coming home tonight, I liked it. I think I love the noise and how it usually puts me to sleep at night. That and it makes me feel ok to be lazy. If I don't want to go out, I can use the rain as an excuse to stay in and watch movies or read and be anti-social.

When life is good, enjoy it but when life is hard, remember God gives good days and hard days and no one knows what tomorrow will bring. Ecclesiastes (sp) 7:14.

I must say that yesterday was an incredible day (and not spoken positively). It was one of those days where nothing went right from the start. But so far this morning has made up for it. Of course I woke up late (seems to be a common thing these days). But then I got Starbucks. Somehow that makes things so much better.... maybe the caffeine?? Plus I actually like how I look today, I think the artistic side of me came out. Anyway, I guess I'm just providing evidence that the Bible verse previously stated is in fact true.

While I'm looking forward to what this weekend has in store for me, I must say that I'm afraid it won't hold up to my expectations. I know that sounds like a major downer... but I just am in need of some fun and adventure and I suppose that I am worried that this weekend will not be what I thought it was going to be. Why can't I have just one day to be wild and crazy--- say what I want, do what I want and not care about people's reactions or even what the consequences might be?