Wednesday, May 26, 2010

the filler friend (venting post...dont read unless you can handle that!!!)

Throughout my life (and especially more recently) I feel like I am the "filler friend". The friend/person that people fill in their time with until something better comes along. Not to say that I think I'm deserving of this...I happen to think I am fun and a good friend, which makes the whole situation even more confusing and frustrating. However, when it comes to my friendship, people only seem to want it when they have too much lonely or down time that needs to be taken.

I'm that filler.

Most of my recently made girl friends have all used me as this...whether they meant to or not. They're single and want to have fun and are in desperate need of girl friends and girl time. We bond, become close friends, they find a boy and then all of a sudden "bye filler friend!" No warning, no weening, just tossed aside like yesterdays news.

I understand how girls work, after all, I am one. But it annoys me to no end when girls that I consider close (if not best) friends disappear after a boy comes into their lives. It makes me feel worthless and frankly, it hurts like hell. I do get that girls are just like this....they meet a boy and thats all they can think about- I completely get this (I'm quite boy crazy myself). What pisses me off is the fact that they dont schedule me in, they dont call me to hang out, or they leave after an hour of hanging out because they haven't seen their boy in at least a day... wow, a day. Try a week.

Ok, maybe I'm jealous.... we girls do tend to pick our guys over our friends in the beginning (although with my jax gal friends it seems there's no end to the beginning-once they leave, they leave for good). And I'll admit that I have done this. I'm guilty, you caught me. I've picked the guy over friends, but I've learned. I stopped. Everyone else hasn't...and it's not as if this is one particular friend I am referring to, it's a handful. It almost makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.... but I digress.

So girls pick their boy over their friends, I get that. But I'm SOL in that way and then the boy picks his friends over me. So I get stuck in the middle of.....well I guess I'm having a date night with myself....again.

So yea, I'm jealous because I'm never the first one people want to hang out with....the filler friend is the option, not the priority.



I didn't write this for a pity party or to call anyone out. Nor did I want to make anyone feel badly. I'm just so sick of not having these girl friends or boyfriend to turn to that I had to use the internet as a medium to get out (okay, maybe I am a bit pathetic...). I don't want any I'm so sorry or I feel so bad for you. I hate those.... In fact I don't think I want any comments at all. I just want someone to see me as the #1 priority.......





word.

k

22 comments:

Lindsay said...

I've been there, it's no fun at all. I've earned who is and isn't there for me now, especially when times get tough. I hope you kknow even though we have never "met" that I'm here for ya. I know it's not the same as actually hanging out but I love our letters and feel free to shoot me an email anytime for anything :)
You are AWESOME and whoever is leaving you in the dust for some boy who may or may not be there in 15 minutes obviously doesnt deserve your firendship or doesn't realize what an amazing friend they are losing!
xoxo,
Lindsay

Kristie said...

Girls are sketchy! I've learned the hard way through the years and I have lost so many girlfriends due to them being flaky or shady. It sucks and it sucks bad. We've all been there. Love ya girlie!

Windsor Grace said...

I have become this person for people. My friend most of my life have treated me like that. And, I'm over it. It's more like, they need me to help them through some crisis they are in buy the can never reciprocate and they don't need me anymore once they are ok. I have done a major friend purge lately. I don't need those types of people in my life anymore.

LouBoo said...

Hello. You said you didn't want comments but I just couldn't help but say: it strikes me that whenever you seem down it's caused by your friends! Maybe there's a theme here? It's true we have all been there and half the battle is working out that spending time with people who leave you feeling empty is no good...

Hope it resolves itself... Louise x

Tillie said...

ah girlfriend. Hello! We should start a filler friend club. P.s that name is perfect, hahah i never had a name for it! Thats totally me, but for me its not even for boys, its just something better comes up, like a cooler person wants to hang out, or there is just something more appealing to do. Its a kick in the balls (metaphorical for us ladies of course) but ive come to realise, that sometimes awesome people (like you) need to only surround yourself with other awesome people, and not let the heartbreakers and users get so close, its hard, but sometimes its worth it.

You are not a filler to me dear kellie. You are a lovely blog friend and i hope your day brightens up soon! xo

Curlywiggles said...

I've had this happen to me many a time. I've found that boys who are friends are actually worse, because their gf's get all jealous and so they end up cutting you off altogether!

Jammer said...

I get it. You don't want to be someone's friend just when it's conveinent for them. Something like that happened to me in high school and I mentioned it to my friend. Some girls will get defensive and say your being jealous, but luckily my friend knew that she was becoming completely dependent on her boyfriend, so she really made an effort to be a better friend.

Just talk to them about it. Tell them you miss them - If you watch the Office see Pam's post-coal walk confession in season 3's beach games episode...very empowering but I think the coal walk won't be necessary in this case lol

Renay said...

This post was just what I needed to read. Fo some reason I am that filler friend! Girl's always want to be best friends with me and want me to be there the second they don't have anything else to do, but as soon as something better...a guy perhaps....comes along, they suddenly are so overwhelmed with "work" and don't have any time to hang out! Right! I know the truth. It's ok! Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with us...they are just mean girls!

little ghost said...

i feel like this all the time!!!! but then i remember that people may not notice it now, maybe not 10 years from now, but in the future, they will realize that they did you wrong, and what a good person you are for being there when they needed someone to talk to or were bored, even though they werent always there for you. being a good friend sucks sometimes. but somebody has to do it. in the mean time, i say try and make new friends, maybe you don't have to be bffs right away, but just a new group of people, so you can always have someone to hang out with.

Natalie Maddon said...

So..I don't really know you but I stumbled on your blog. I have to say, this made me giggle. At least someone is honest in this place!!

The Dorkish Redhead. said...

That is exactly what I was with my so called best friends during and after high school. I just couldn't understand why they treated me the way they did..I was a big fat nothing most of the time.. my birthdays where horrible. I will never forget my 20th birthday. Not only did one of my friends tell me to grow up (all because I wanted to have a sleep over ?!?). The same one gave me... a coupon for my birthday... and it wasn't a joke either... and while we were all meeting at the commuter parking (which everyone was there) one of the other girls decides to call her boyfriend, have him come over to where we were, and talk to him for a bit while I just stood there... and waited and waited and waited. Finally we got to go out to eat which I paid for. ahhh I wanted to scream!

Right around my 21st birthday I decided I didn't need two of those friends, I just got sick of it and didnt' want to be around them anymore. The other girl is still my friend, my best friend to be exact. It's soooo much better. Although it's weird sometimes cause it's like I'm the one that makes plans for us to get together... and she really never does that. I really don't know what to think about that.

But just so ya know... you are definitely not alone... I have been that filler friend... the 3rd wheel... the other one... it's aggravating.

Elizabeth said...

Might be a good time to reevaluate your gf's. If anyone of them are reading your post, shame on them for treating you like filler. You are deserving of friendships that will friend you back without any conditions.

It's this or therapy said...

i think you know my comment to this situation..i don't necessarily think it's actually about that friend.. and that's why i'm not going to say anything on here. You know I LOVE you and you deserve the BEST.

P.S You are not a filler friend to me. We've been friends for umm.. i don't know how many years now.. long time. And even though i'm not there in jax with you, I wish that I was. Really, I do. You are one of the bestest friends that I could EVER ask for, and I wish that we had more time together.

Don't let people treat you like the filler friend, I don't need a million friends, just a handful that I know will always be there for me.

...on the brink of something beautiful said...

Thank you everyone for the sweet comments and letting meknow I'm not alone in feeling this way, although I hate knowing others have been down this road before too. it's a sucky one.

kim-lol dont worry i would NEVER say this about you. you are awesome and divide your time quite well. i miss you btw :)

Courtney said...

This might be the reason (well one of a million!) that I have no real girlfriends. Guys aren't needy but just are not the same.
Just don't let them get you down. I used to feel really bad about friend things until I realized that I just grew apart from so many of them. Once I started to just do what I wanted I was able to find friends that really mesh with me.
Just know that one great friend is enough for a lifetime and your totally worth the time to build a friendship.

Krystle said...

Oh my word. i completely relate. I spent an hour in a parking lot last night telling one of my true friends that i feel like a guidance counselor for all my "friends" who only need me during a major life crisis or as a filler until something better comes along. On a happy note, I just burned a cd for you for our music swap :-)

upatreecupatea said...

Oh girl, I totally feel you on this one.
I am a filler friend as well.
When I get back to UNF in August we should definitely meet up...since after all we are both elementary ed majors! :)

Alyssa said...

i.hear.ya.

all to clearly.

and it really hurts like hell when it happens and the other person is completely unaware of what they are doing.

sigh!

Miranda said...

I've felt like that friend before. :/ Most girls are all lovey dovey when they first get with a guy though. It will subside usually...but I think majority of the time once it subsides they realized all their friends are gone! It's really hard to stay dedicated to a friend when that happens...since it can be really hurtful. I don't really have anything to suggest, but this was just a vent post..so I hope it help you blow off some steam! Now go bake cookies :D!

janel. said...

I totally love you!!
You are way more than a filler :)
love you.
xo
janel

Anonymous said...

Yeah going through this now. Got very close to a friend who keeps breaking up then going back. But keeps complaining the bad relationship but keeps going back. I'm tired being used as a filler it's not right. I'm building the strength to say no more. Figure u can't hang bc u want to anymore then see ya... Bc Im not going to her the complaining anymore to just be dumped in 2 months again. It's sad I'm now questioning if this friend ever cared. It sucks

Shustervrok said...

Oh my word. i completely relate. I spent an hour in a parking lot last night telling one of my true friends that i feel like a guidance counselor for all my "friends" who only need me during a major life crisis or as a filler until something better comes along. On a happy note, I just burned a cd for you for our music swap :-)